Wednesday, September 09, 2009

You say you want a hate-olution

...You do not exit the elevator when it arrives at your floor. Come on little turtle it’s okay, no one’s gonna bite you out here. I’m not sure why it takes so long for you to exit, that by the time you decide to leave, the doors are closing and then someone has to push the button to open them again and then we all have to stand around and wait for the doors to close yet again before we start to hate you.

...You think it’s so hysterical that a plastic flower will play music and “dance” whenever you press a button. Do blowing bubbles still get you too? I can’t believe we work in the same company and that you probably make more money than me, how can it be that a fortysomething year old man gets so happy at a piece of plastic with a speaker and how is it that a thirtysomething year old man can spend so much energy hating you.

...You are finished with your work for the day and leave the office at 5:00 where upon leaving the office shut all the lights, including the hallway, even though you obviously are the first person to leave. Well, that’s the end of the day for me, so that’s the end of the day for everyone. I commend your effort to shut it down by 5, but seriously, everyone is still here, it’s not like it’s even close to being late, in fact, I think the actual office hours are until 5:30 and I think my actual hate is for you.

...You have headphones that are actually a radio. Look at yourself, no take a really good look at yourself, are you wearing cutoff jean shorts, roller skates, white tube socks pulled up to your knees? Are you on Venice beach? No, of course you’re not which means you are ineligible to wear radio headphones (with an antenna mind you), you are only eligible for hate.

...You are in a supermarket and refuse to carry a basket or use a cart. You’ve got about 19 items that you’re juggling in your hands and balancing on all parts of your body, but you just won’t break down and admit that you need the basket. Is there a sense of pride here? A sense that you are too much of a tough guy to use a mechanism that allows you to carry many more items that would otherwise be possible? Rest assured knowing that you are not too much of a tough guy to be hated by me.

...You work at the gym and bring your McD’s dinner to eat in front of all the salivating blobs as the aroma permeates the building. I’m still conducting studies as to if this actually aides in the weight loss regimen or contributes to obesity. Are the blobs incentivized to work out harder so they can get home and eat or are they demotivated to the point that they give up after 5 minutes and head straight to the nearest Wendy’s? This is an eternal question and also an eternal hate.

...You are some sort of automated dialing system that whereby you receive an email from me, your phone instantly dials my office. Apparently you miss the point and the beauty of email, this can be used to avoid long winded conversations with people such as yourself. I’m trying to have the least amount of communication with you while still getting work completed, this can be achieved entirely through email with a little bit of hating you.