Friday, December 30, 2005

Absolute Hate, Corrupts Absolutely

...You make a color coded graph and use colors that are almost identical. This year’s profits are in blue, last year’s are in light blue, 2003’s are in teal, 2002 is in aqua, then you will notice our profits compared to market which has been highlighted in sky blue, and you will notice industry shown in a lighter shade of hate.

...You walk around the office with your blackberry attached to your belt. Do you work for the volunteer firefighters? I know it’s rough to be a whole 25 feet away from your computer while you poop or get coffee, but wearing that beltpack is entirely unnecessary. It’s kind of like your own little power source that let’s you zip all over the office to earn two nicknames, zippy and hated-by-me.

...You are a reporter/New Yorker and feel the need to pat yourself on the back for being resilient in the face of adversity. I guess walking a couple miles in the cold makes you a tough new Yorker, “they” keep throwing things at you and somehow you manage to get by, how doooo you do it? I’ll tell you, because you have to. These things tend to happen to the largest cities and NY being NY gets more press coverage anyway. My favorite was after “the black out” two years ago, some homeless guy was selling T-shirts that said, “first 9/11, then the blackout, what next NYC?” didn’t that blackout shut down the entire northeast? I’ll tell you what’s next, the wrath of my hate.

...You call my office phone thinking it’s the person that used to have this extension and then try to sell me something just because I’m on the phone. How did you not understand that this is an office? Do people normally answer their home phones by stating their name and company? I can picture you at home answering the phone saying: Annoying Customer Service Rep, how can I hate you?

...You come into my office right after I fart. Part of the joy of having an office is the ability to drop bombs at will, then you have to come over to my office and catch me in the act and ruin it for everyone. Now there is going to be gas buildup, people will be walking around the office bloated, their fat guts hanging out even further than normal, and then from time to time we’ll all have to endure the loud bangs that erupt from the bathroom when the gas is released filled with hate.

...You pronounce the ‘h’ in words like “what” or “where” or “whom”. Were you taught the same English as me? Maybe they changed the lesson plan somewhere along the way, but last I checked the ‘h’ is silent. I realize that you are the same person that says “leever” when pronouncing the word “lever”, but the silent ‘h’s are too far. You’ve crossed the line with me. Its as though you are telling everyone, I’m so sophisticated, I only go to the opera and art exhibits, have dinner with the governor, and hob knob with people that hate you.

...You set up camp on the sidewalk when trying to figure out where you are going. What is it with you people? You come from your small town and have no concept of what to do in a big city. Hmm how do I get to 48th street? Well Einstein, you are on 55th so try walking 7 blocks, you dig? And why are you touristing with your infant children in NY, in the winter? No thought went into that one did it? When you get lost, yes, please, stop in the middle of a busy sidewalk, all 14 of you, forming a wall of hated humans.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Edward ScissorHate

...You work in a hair salon and only know how to do three different hair cuts. You know how to shave a head, do the standard a little longer on top but short on the sides, or nothing at all. I haven't had my hair cut since June, when I got haircut number 2, it's been a wonderful ride since. Watching my hair go through different lengths truly a great experience. But like all good things, the hair growing experiment had to end. How did I know it was time? Well, when another Jerry Seinfeld look-a-like sat near me at lunch today, well then I knew. There are only so many times someone can call you Jerry before you go insane, especially since I think I look nothing like him. Perhaps the back of my hair was a tad mulletish, but I liked it. The moral of the story here folks is that if you go to a salon for a haircut and say take an inch and a half off all around then thin it out, just know you have no control over it, sit back and don't ask questions when they take the clipper out. My god, I'm insane to have thought they wouldn't have completely fucked it up, I went from 4 to 5 inches (OF HAIR PEOPLE) to barely half an inch. I'm now only a 1/4 of the man I used to be, because I hate you.

...You say why don't you get them all cut when someone says I'm getting my hair cut. So did you come up with that one yourself? I know you are just being stupid and joking around, but only I can say that, otherwise, you are just hated by me.

...You are in orientation at a new job and feel the need to either ask the dumbest questions or to make comments throughout the entire time. We've all had jobs before, we've all gotten the benefits lecture, we don't need you to chyme in every two seconds with, oh yes I agree, well even if you live in another state you can get your doctor there. Really? You mean it? You are really hated by me?

...You have ever said "there is no such thing as a stupid question". The only reason you said that was because someone just asked you a stupid question. There are pretty much ONLY stupid questions. When I was in school I dreamt of becoming a teacher for the sole purpose of saying on day one, contrary to popular belief, there are such things as stupid questions, think before you ask one, or else you will be hated by me.

...You are at the gym and refuse to workout on a treadmill or cardio machine simply because the TV is broken. You don't go to the gym very often do you? the point of exercising to get away from sitting on your fat ass watching TV and move toward standing on your fat ass being hated by me.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Boulevard of Broken Hates

...You stand on the opposite side of an exit, right in front the door. Hey cork soaker, wha tmakes you think you are above everyone else and stand in the way of 30 people a second? Why didn't you understand that you were in the way the first 79 times you got hit by the door? Why did you get angry when I pushed the door as hard as I could with my hate for you?

...You begin crossing the street when the blinking hand stops blinking. I'm ok with you begining your cross when the walk sign is gone and it's now a blinking hand, but when it stops blinking, you see how the other side of the street now has a red? You are just holding up traffic or going to be killed. Well that means you are now hit with my hate, because I'm not slowing down.

...You run a red light when there is ridiculous traffic only to block cars coming the other way through the interesection. People, we have a social contract here, you see you can't make it, so you don't, the same goes for you crosswalk violators, just follow MY rules, which happen to be the same anti hate rules that everyone else follows.

...You work in an "adorable" little boutique store on Christmas eve at 3 in the afternoon. You realize that everyone in the store forgot to buy something for their Aunt so now they have to run out at the last minute and buy some stupid christmasy basket of some sort filled with crap that she'll love. Point being, DO NOT ask every single person in a 14 person line if they want the gift wrapped. You're the only one working and everyone in line still has to hit up the liquor store for all the other last minute gifts they forgot to get, now I'm out of time so all I have is my hate.

...You are at my parents house for Christmas eve and ask me if I want to go outside for a smoke and then proceed to pull out your batty. Dude, if that's your thing, hey that's cool, but come on, we're 28 that's like soooooooo right before I got this job that has random drug tests and right before I hated you.

...You are secretly spying on people for no other reason than being a fascist. I hate you if you are spying on me for writing my previous hate that sarcastically references drug use. I hate you if you think drug use is a crime worthy of prison rather than rehab. I hate people that call authoratative figures fascists, that's so WWII. I hate you if you notice my spelling is atrotious.

...You are on the subway standing less than three inches from me, staring me in the eye, and eating your candy bar with your two huge buck teeth sticking out. Dude, I don't care that you have buck teeth, or even eating a candy bar, that's an acceptable food product to consume on a subway, as opposed to chicken wings, but the literal 3 inches from my face is creeping me out, hysterical, but creeping me out to the point of hating you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Take, Eat, This is my Hate which is given to you

...You approach the Starbucks in the lobby of my office building and notice that it's closed and instead of saying, oh that sucks, you say "OH NO, HOW AM I GOING TO GET COFFE, WE'RE DOOMED". Yes you are indeed doomed, a big hole is about to open up in the floor and suck you into the depths of hell. Forget that there is a starbucks across the street, oh and another one on the twelvth floor. No sir, you may not be doomed, but you are in fact hated.

...You constantly beg for attention, literally. You are one day from work and say, oh did you miss me? Do you like my pretty christmas sweater? Do you think I'm 10 or 11? You are an idiot if you are an adult and still need constant reassurance that you are not hated by me.

...You are at the gym and HAVE to use a cardio machine that is right next to your best girlfriend. Um why do you need to this? You both have headphones, you both hate each other because no two females can ever be friends. Oh and I hate you if you hate me for making that comment, deep down you know that you really hate your best girlfriend, she's only your best girlfriend so you can keep tabs on her to make sure that you hate her more than she hates you.

...You are a cab driver and think it's appropriate to charge 10 bucks to get from roc center to grand central, but then another 50 bucks to go to the east village. Hey, Muhammed Jihad, how does an extra 35 blocks equate to 50 bucks, you must be kidding you gouger, first you have all the oil, now you have all the cars....and all the hate.

...You speak to me in the bathroom. I don't know you, I've never met you, why do you know me? And yes I'm still in the office on the other side of the floor, I just started last week, what do you mean still? Maybe after a month or two or three, then it deserves a still, but now? It only deserves a hate.

...You call me from my old job to ask me a question. Maybe you didn't get the memo, but I quit. Now you are going trust what I tell you? Here's what you need to do. Go into the shared drive and hit select all, then hit delete. Next you want to uninstall word, excel, and anything else that starts with micro and ends in hate.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Metropolitan Transit Hate

...You work for the MTA and are about to go on strike. If I was at my last job I wouldn't have minded as much, it was only 30 blocks away, but now? Oh god, I've got about 4 miles each way to walk and since I'm such as selfish bastard, it's 20 degrees outside and it's all about me, I hate you MTA.

...You work for the MTA and are about to go on strike because you want a pension. And I'd like a 10 inch penis but some things just aren't in the cards. Why the hell should you get paid when you no longer work? Wait what am I saying, I sound like a Republican, but you know what? I won't ever get a pension, and neither will you, you'll get my hate.

...You are the MTA and are more concerned about people spilling a cup of coffee than keeping the trains running. You randomly close subway entrances making me have to go out of my way to get in. You project massive deficits yet somehow come year end you find a $900 million dollar surplus, well I've got 900 million hates, for you.

...You are the Federal government that drains tax dollars from NY and the Northeast while allowing our mass transit systems to crumble all because you want to make sure Jim Bob keeps his farm in Nebraska for another generation where you pay him to NOT grow food. Here's an idea, let us pay our ridiculous tax rates and actually benefit from the services instead of just hating.

...You are naked gym guy. Nothing to do with an impending strike, but COME ON. This is just getting ridiculous, there's no reason that I should be seeing more naked men than naked women in my life. No reason!! What's with the hands on the hips, wearing socks, and then arching your back pushing your twig and berries out as far as possible where they get nothing but hate.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Better off hated

...You have the best equipment and clothing yet suck at skiing. So you blew 5 grand on all that gear but you completely suck, you can barely make it on to a ski lift lift and snow plow all the way down the mountain on greens. You aren't fooling anyone, especially not me who hates you.

...You are "the guy" wearing jeans when skiing. At least you know you suck and didn't blow a ton of money on ski gear but seriously, you can get yourself some cheap ski pants, don't you get it? Your wearing jeans skiing, do wear them playing basketball, well yes you do, but being from the Bronx is not an excuse to escape my hate.

...You go up to Vermont for a ski weekend, go to the cheesy bars and wear the same Banana Republic stripe shirt that you wear when going to your favorite B&T midtown bar. Guy, you're in the sticks, yes the bars think they are nightclubs for some reason, but didn't you notice everyone else wearing jeans and t-shirts, maybe a fleece? You're not clubbing here, you're sitting around watching the girls with the tank asses shake them thangs on the "dance" floor and being hated by me.

...You are the dude that insisted on sitting at our table at the first bad bar we went to. So that chair was about 3 feet away from me, why did you insist on pushing it right next to me to the point that your leg was less than an inch from me? You sat down, got up to do whatever it was you were doing on the dance floor, I pushed the chair away from me, then you came right back moved in next to me again. What goes in that retardedly drunk mind of yours? and spilling your beer on my shoe will only get you hated twice as fast.

...You run one of the cheesy bars on a VT ski mountain and charge $15 just to walk in the door. I'm sorry I must have missed the velvet ropes and Richard Greco, what do you think you are running here? The worst part is, I actually paid it, putting a blonde with large breasts hanging out of her shirt at the door was a good move, well played, but you are no doubt hated.

...You card me at the bar in a ski lodge at like 3 in the afternoon. Carding me, although a compliment, gets you hated. Carding me when I order a second drink is worthy of loathing and guess what? You are loathed by me.

...You are naked gym guy that broke your own record at naked time in the locker room. After 3 days of skiing and drinking, there's nothing quite like a nice 5 mile run to end the weekend, but naked guy, please please spare the rest of the sane world and wear clothes when drying off. I mean I went to get a tissue and you are standing there right in front of them, naked, blow drying your hair with your pup dangling in the tissue box. Why the need to weigh yourself after working out? Are you weighing in for a wrestling match of some sort? You're like 50, what are you competing for, how fast you can be hated by me?

...You think it's odd that I took a day off of work after being at the new job only 4 days. Some people plan and pay for ski weekends well in advance, some people have important matters to attend to in VT on at a ski resort, some people are obnoxious assholes that hate you.

...You are at my old job and for some reason using my old computer. I'm not sure who you are or what you are trying to find on my old computer, but seriously log me off of AIM, I mean everyone on there must have asked 7 times why I didn't respond to their IMs. To people I know, I can't IM at the new job, it's an imposter trying to find the hate, don't let them in on the secret or else you run the risk of being hated by me.

...You are my old job and feel it's necessary to mail my last paycheck instead of direct deposit it. Um hello, I was going skiing for the weekend and needed that money, it's not going to me any good sitting in a mail box rather than my bank account. That reminds me, I hate you if you run a cheesy bar in VT and when asked if you have an ATM you say I can take money from a debit card for $10. I spit in your eye for that comment. I'm not some drunk idiot 21 yr old kid getting a ski weekend in after finals. I'm a drunk idiot 28 yr old kid that took a day off after starting a new job to avoid christmas shopping, look for cougers and to hate you.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Mason-Dixon Hate

...You think the bible supercedes the Constitution.

...You sought a court order to say it's okay to marry your first cousin.

...You think Jeff Foxworthy is funny because it's true.

...You voted for Bush because you're not an issues guy.

...You spend Sunday afternoons watching cars drive around in circles.

...You go to church for 5 hours with 50,000 other people.

...You think it's okay for a preacher to be a millionaire.

...You think Sadaam was responsible for 9/11.

...You call gay people, "'dem dare queers".

...You call people with common sense liberal elitists.

...You think the Bill of Rights is synonomous with the ten commandments.

...You have no idea what synonomous means.

...You went to 30 debutante balls when you were in high school.

...You see no irony in Bush claiming to restore "honor and dignity" to the White House.

...You refer to Massachusetts as taxachusetts.

...You see no hypocrisy in opposing abortion but supporting the death penalty.

...You have said the phrase "guns don't kill people, people kill people."

...You think country music and Christian rock are good.

...You don't understand what it means to conjugate a verb.

...You do not have a passport and see no reason to ever leave the country.

...You thought it was appropriate for the House to waste time in declaring that french fries will be called freedom fries, even though this is a food item, has nothing to do with the law and they were actually invented in Belgium.

...You have no idea what I mean when I saw Belgium, that's just a waffle to you.

...Your favorite movie is Top Gun because they kick some ass.

...You are white, use the N word and think nothing is wrong with it.

...You think there should be a fence on the US-Mexico border.

...You are the exact reason Canadians sew a patch of their flag on their backpacks.

...You wear shorts and florescent t-shirts on vacation, no matter where you are or the time of year.

...You own and wear a "fanny pack".

...You have been to Graceland and thought it was nice.

...You, nor anyone in your family has ever served in the military, but you love going to war.

...You always agree with Bill O'Reilly because he tells you he's right.

...You beat up the smart kid in school because he knew how to read.

...You have only owned a truck and would never consider buying a car.

...You have three kids, all with different fathers.

...You refer to anything cooked on a grill as Bar-B-Q.

...You know at least 2 people that have been on Cops.

...You still make reference to the Mason-Dixson Line and would never cross it.

...You participate in Civil War Reenactments even though you LOST.

...You only voted when someone threatened to change your state flag by removing the confederate remnants.

...You are laughing because this describes you.

...You are enraged because this describes you.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

You hate me right round, baby, right round

...You work in a shoe store and ignore me when I'm asking you a question. The one time in my life when I actually want an annoying sales person to help me, you just walk away. Not only did you walk away from me, but later as I was contemplating my hatred of you, you plow me over to get to someone that "looks" like they're about to spend a lot of money. Hey asshole, I'm starting a new job and need a couple pairs of nice new shoes, you just lost out on about $500 bucks and now all your left with is me hating you as I walk out the door.

...You are shopping for shoes and set up camp right in front of the shoes I want to try on. As if I don't hate shopping for shoes enough, you have to be in my way. You are also the same person that just stands in the middle of an aisle, not looking at shoes, not doing anything, except staring up at the ceiling and being hated by me.

...You walk through a door and immediately stop when you get on the other side. You in your bubble of a world. You obviously saw the person right in front of you keep on moving, you can't be that self centered to not notice OTHER PEOPLE. Move on sir it is time for me to hate you.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Where the Sidewalk Hates

...You ask me to actually do work on my last day of work. Maybe you didn’t get the memo, but I don’t really care what happens once I’m gone, I didn’t care what happened while I was here. I was supposed to quit last week, I stayed the extra the week because you asked, and of course there was zero point in it. Now on the last day you ask me to actually do something, I scoff at your request, but not before I hate you.

...You wear striped shirts out. I can not stand by without saying something about the striped shirts. Can someone please make a new style? Can you please shop somewhere other than Banana Republic for your clothes? Don’t you get it yet, you are cheesy, you have no personality and are a clone of everyone else in this city, yet somehow being an idiot gets you laid more than me. I guess I just hate myself for not looking like a clone, but no I say this in jest because it’s clearly you that I hate.

...You are traveling to another city and find out someone you know from home will be there the same time and insist on meeting up. We don’t hang out when were home, so why would we hang out in another city? How are we suddenly best friends? Don’t worry I won’t have to plan something, I usually end up running into you anyway, if I hate you and you’re traveling to where I’m going, well unfortunately, I’m going to run into you and then hate you.

...You are 5 feet tall and you are carrying an umbrella and still feel the need to try to lift it up over a tall person’s umbrella when passing each other. One person is 6'5" tall and if you would just leave your umbrella at it's normal height while over your head which is about 5"5" there will be no problem but no you insist on lifting your umbrella up to try to clear over the top of a tall person and get to about mid shoulder causing mass confusion on the streets. For some reason, I’m a normal height and can easily adapt when walking by a tall person or a midget like you. Leave the lifting to the tall people so I can stop hating you.

...You work at an Indian call center and use an “American” alias such as “Bob”. You are not fooling anyone here “bob”. It’s okay to go by your given name, all Americans are not ignorant, xenophobic idiots. Besides those dumb people don’t even own computers or have the wherewithal to make a call to a call center because they can’t articulate their problem into question format. So please, just go by your own name and I’ll go by mine, first name hate, last name you.

...You read out loud while you are typing. I’m pretty sure you need to have an IQ lower than the president’s to do this, and that’s low. You’re brain doesn’t have the capacity to process your thoughts, and then translate that into your fingers to hit letters on a keyboard. Yes this is a complex function for humans, so complex that I will start doing this, can you guess what I’m typing now? I hate you.

...You are a vegetarian and yet somehow are still morbidly obese. I’m not even talking about being a little overweight or even a little fat, I’m talking about being about 5’8” and weighing about 250 and being female. Vegetarians should be healthy should they not? Isn’t that the expectation? Isn’t that a rule in your vegetarian circles? Maybe that afternoon piece of cake will have to go. Or the weekly cheese parties? Who are you? Where am I? This past year has been a crazy episode of the Twilight Zone where I hate absolutely every single person I encounter, especially you.

...You fart during yoga and then try to cover it up with something even more obvious. So you farted during yoga, it happens, not to me, but I’ve heard it does. While everyone is trying to maintain composure you draw even more attention to it by slapping your hand on the floor as if to let everyone know, hey you all thought that was a fart but in reality I was slapping my hand on the floor, not a fart, got that, not a fart…..nooooo fart, just hate.

...You are thoroughly entrenched in the blog environment. You hang out all day in the blogosphere and get excited when there is a blogstorm on your daily dribble. You beg people for them to add you to your blogroll and then call them a blogsnob when they refuse. You report flogs and splogs to whomever it is you report things like that. You go out of your way to look up stupid blogspeak that no one uses just to make fun of them on your own stupid blog which is all about hating you.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Should I Hate or Should I Go

...You are on the phone with me and eating at the same time. Do you have any idea how disgusting it is to have to listen to your chewing while I’m on the other end? I have a hard enough time dealing with chewing in person, but then to have it amplified directly into my ear, it’s just disgusting. I don’t understand why it is necessary to eat right now, you can’t wait five minutes longer until we’re done or just say, I’ll call you back WHEN I’M DONE EATING? The long pauses when your taking your next bite, the ums, ah, um, this that and the other fucking thing, please stop chewing while I’m hating you.

...You wear a huge backpack on the subway during rush hour. You’re 30 and still wearing a backpack? I won’t even hate you for that, but for taking up the space of three people in a crowded subway, oh that’s hate worthy. You don’t even just take up more than your allotted space, you like turn and turn and turn and hit as many people as you possibly can thereby creating an entire circle of hate.

...You strategically flip up half of your blazer collar. You are so cool because you’re a little disheveled and you don’t care. So apathetic about your clothing, you just threw that blazer on as you were running out the door, just because. I wish it were true, but tragically, you are a loser. You painstakingly labor for hours in front of the mirror trying to get the look juuuuussst right. Get it straight, you are not 16 anymore, you are not in prep school rebelling against an authoritative figurehead. You are a banker that makes a shitload of money and has nothing better to do than to be hated by me.

...You are a girl I met a few weeks back and have a name that begins with an A and is now the first number in my phone. Ok I probably should have given you the cell phone delete by now, but I didn’t, just never thought of it. Then of course last night I’m going to dial someone’s number and somehow hit send on the first number that came up. Now I look like the loser for calling you weeks after our conversation fizzled out. I get it, there’s nothing there, I really didn’t mean to call you, either way, you suck for having a name that begins with an A even if you have no control over it and even if I hated you less.

...You are shopping in a supermarket and stop with your cart right in front of where I need to be. Apparently you think you are the only person in the entire store shopping for food. Otherwise you would have the common decency to leave room for other people to get through. Why is it taking you 15 minutes to decide between the creamy or chunky peanut butter? We all know the chunky is far superior to the creamy, why is there even any thought involved here? From now on, I’m taking your cart and just pushing it as hard as I can down the aisle so you’ll move and I’ll hate.

...You see me drinking Whiskey and then proceed to ask if I like Duwer’s. I want to make this clear, Duwer’s is like battery acid, any Whiskey that has to advertise on the subway, isn’t exactly quality, it’s cheap and it’s swill. And also, please stop calling Johnny Walker simply black label or red label or blue label…I know you are just naming things you have heard of and don’t actually know what you’re talking about. I can do that too, but I don’t, I just hate you.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

We got the hate

...You are on the subway and are hugging the center pole. Dude seriously, the 40 people crammed into this tiny space would all like to hang on to that pole, that’s why it’s there. I realize you have a latent desire to ride a pole, but there are clubs for that, the subway at 8:30AM is no place for it, it’s only a place for hate.

...You refer to making copies or sending mass emails as a “project”. Yes quite a project that any person age 7 and up can accomplish. Let’s see I give you a list of names, and you have send an email to them, yep that’s a project all right, why don’t you make that a bullet on your resume so you can a new job, get away from me, and stop being hated.

...You walk with some sort fake limp because for whatever reason you think that’s “cool”. Hey buddy, you’re not “ghetto” or “gangsta” you’re from the suburbs and are fairly well educated. I don’t understand this fascination with pretending to be poorer and dumber than you actually are, why on earth would you want to pretend like you live in a roach infested housing project living on government cheese when you live in a nice house with a yard and never have to worry about money. That’s why people are “gangsta” they’re dirt poor and have no other option. But seriously the limp thing? Kids were doing that when I was 14, I’m 28 now, get some new ideas of what’s “cool” or I’ll just have to keep hating you.

...You place an order at a deli or at similar take out feeding establishment. You order, see a large crowd around the counter waiting, each with lower numbers than you. You then proceed to push your way to the front even though you are last on the list to get their food. You stand there getting in the way of 15 other people who now have to get around your fat ass just to hate you.

...You don’t reply to all when clearly you should reply to all. There are five people copied on this email, all people that need to know what’s going on and add their two pointless cents. There is a reason I cc’d them to begin with, but apparently you have no idea what that even means because you have ask what why there’s a cc. And forget the Bcc, that’s a concept that’s four years away from your understanding. I have a new one, it’s Bch, blind carbon hate.

...You use words that way too sophisticated for spoken language. The story as to why you use your first initial then your middle name then last name (as in C. David Douchebag), is not apocryphal – who the fuck uses that in daily conversation? How about the story is not interesting, not important, not worthy to be told in my presence? This first initial business is retarded too, the only thing worse is if its followed by III or IV and you went to an Ivy league school you inbred wasp. You are worthy of one thing in my presence and that is to be hated.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Springtime for Hatred

...You have bad breathe. Not just bad breathe but the, I’ve been in my office drinking coffee all day stale breath, bad breath. It’s so bad too, on the subway home you smell at least 7 people that suffer such trauma and they’re not even near you. they’re standing 15 feet away, all 7 of them in a huddle combing their stink which then moves throughout a subway car like an acid rain cloud. These are the people that have never heard of gum, or breath mints or Listerine breath strips. And yeah I’ll say the brand name giving a freebee corporate plug, I want to make sure you stank breathes know what to buy before I hate you more.

...You reply to all on a mass email. How can I get you to understand the difference between reply to all and reply to sender? These are not complex matters, if you can’t even get this straight, how on earth do you get through your daily life? It’s so nice of you to tell the entire office of 200 people that you will be attending the Christmas party, why thank you, now I have a reason to go. No doubt you will be the subject of so much hatred, but do me the personal favor of paying attention to your replies, before I reply to you with a simple I hate you.

...You are the douchebag that said “I don’t need some accountant to buy me drinks” when I offered to get the next round of drinks. Ok so this may have been like 4 years ago and I seriously don’t hold grudges (contrary to the evidence on this blog), but this was the one and only time I met this dude, so tough shit. Let’s get another thing straight here too, I am not an accountant, nor was I ever. I may have worked at a Big 4 firm, but I prefer the catch all, I really don’t know what I do title of Consultant. Now to the point at hand, I’m out with my girlfriend of the time, her friend and her boyfriend and this guy is douche. He’s the “my parents pay my rent so I can pursue my dream of acting even though I’m ugly and have no talent” kind of kid. There’s common thing that those of us in society do, call it a formality if you must, but when someone is going to the bar to get himself a drink, well he asks everyone else if they’d like one, no matter what. It’s a rule in life. I did not want to buy your next drink either, but I know the laws of society. Here’s another law of society - I hate you.

...You are a DJ that takes his “craft” way too seriously. You stand there your ear pressed to your left shoulder with the giant headphone covering only that one ear. Your hands work a furious pace of “spinnin” and bee bop all the while. You are especially hated if you are a “DJ” in just regular bar playing crap Bon Jovi and other overplayed 80’s music, no mixing, no electronica, no creativity at all, yet when someone asks you to play a certain song you get all offended as though they just insulted your alleged talent. Making a shitty playlist is not a talent, you want shitty playlists, just look at my ipod, in the meantime I’ll keep busy hating you.

...You write BR instead of best regards in emails. When you have to abbreviate two simple words, do you really mean the regards you are intending? Worse still if you write thnx, I know those two extra letters will just kill you to write, I mean in the time it takes to write two letters, there an innumerable amount of things that can be done. If it wasn’t for these nice abbreviations, where would we be today? We’d live in a blissful world of no acronyms and no pointless abbreviations, where people like you are hated, that’s where we’d be.

...You are standing at the front of a crowded elevator and don’t move out of the way when it stops for someone else. You are in the front, there’s you then the door and about 10 people behind you. At the first stop, the doors open and you stand still. I guess you are either so self centered that you can’t be bothered with moving out of the way or you believe that some sort of magically device will allow the people behind you to morph into some kind of paper thin being for just a moment so they can slide by and then hate you.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Wake me up, before you go Hate

...You are pissed off because I waited a mere 4 days between posts. Um, yeah, you’ve apparently been spoiled with the daily posts. For that, I’m going to try to find a way for you to have only limited access to the hate. Sometimes I get haters block, sometimes the rage just consumes too much of my daily life, so until my next hate, you can know that I only have hate for you.

...You are AOL Time Warner. You didn’t process our last payment properly and felt the need to shut off our cable at 11:17 AM on Saturday. Yes that makes perfect sense, how do you arrive at this time? How is it possible to not be able to speak to a live person on your touchtone phone service? Why was I hung up on three times? You have quite the racket going, make your customers give up they’re entire day to wait in line at your store to have the guy say, prove that you paid, when it’s done electronically. Well I need proof from you, proof that I don’t hate you.

...You feel you and your time is so much more important than 400 other people waiting in line. Asshole, we all have numbers, it's all first come, first serve, there’s nothing you can do about it. Shouting at the entire store is not going to get you anywhere except hated by me.

...You are on a train talking on your phone and talking at a volume where the entire car can hear you. Not only are you loud, but the topics you are discussing are simply amazing and should not be discussed over the phone at all, let alone over the phone in public. Having an abortion is private matter as are STDs. Keep it down for your own sake before I hate you some more.

...You are obstructing my view of a cute girl while I’m on the subway. Um excuse me, do you see that CG standing behind you? well before you got in the way, I was staring at her to the point where she was starting to feel uncomfortable. If I have to be cramped on the L, smooshed up against the door with one arm the air and one leg lifted, then I better be able to gapingly stare at the cute girl or the too cool for school hipster chick or anyone else that might be hating you.

...You are on the subway and refuse to hang on to the handles and then wonder why you are falling all over the place when the train moves. You see the bars are there for a reason, for you to hold. I don’t want your fat ass falling into me when the train starts moving and neither does anyone else. I don’t want to hear that there are germs, try washing your hands before you lick your fingers to get the very last bit of artificial nachoy dorito flavoring and before I hate you.

...You were on the uptown 9 train Friday December 2 around 8 PM. This was the single most bizarre subway ride of my life and will always remain so, aside from a murder or view of public copulation. I enter this magical mystery ride at 14th street, the doors close and the fun begins. The first thing I notice is a man standing opposite me in a bright red and white suit. Now the suit is actually white with bright red writing of some kind, I’m guessing it said Sean Jean, and on the seat was his bright red leather jacket. He finds that it's appropriate to see how close he spit next to me without actually spitting on me. It’s a fun game for all involved. But we’re not even done with this one patron. My favorite part of his existence was his listening to music with an old school discman. He is doing some kind of dance that resembles the humpty dance, arms flailing all over the place, legs in the air, border line falling over. It gets better still. While all this dancing and spitting is taking place he is yelling, and yelling loudly. Of all the words that came out of his mouth, the N word was every other one. I think you all know what this word is, I’m not allowed to write or say it, but he can, I guess. His final glorious attribute was every 10 seconds or so between his N bombs and dancing, he’d stop and stare at me with his crackhead smile, like he either wanted to eat me or violently sodomize me, either way he could obviously smell the anxiety. Although he was the highlight of my subway ride, there were others. Example, the pan handler wearing an all leather suit whose line to would be suckers was “only in NY can a man wear a leather suit and beg for cash”. Another treat was the drunken Irishman, I mean seriously would you expect anything else, who’s American Idol aspirations manifested themselves at the 23rd street station, but I believe he was auditioning for the dirty version because the only words I understood were Fuck and Pussy, repeatedly and he wasn't so muh singing as he was screaming and the tone was more a Limmerick. So to all those undertook such a wonderful tour of NY’s finest I say, I hate you.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

International Man of Hate

...You are Eurotrash. The all black look pretty much went out with the 90’s so please do us all the favor and stop. Not only are you wearing all black skin tight nylon clothes, but you load up on cologne, you listen to only techno and you chain smoke. You frequent hooka bars for some reason, as if flavored tobacco is the end all be all. Your favorite pastime is to tell Americans how much they suck and how much better life is in the old country because people there don’t give a shit they only get shit, my hate.

...You sold my roommate that annoying bird 15 years or so ago. First I don’t know what would possess you to want a bird or what pothead convinced you that it would be cool. Did you not realize that loud screeching noise would only magnify 10,000X in an apartment? I’m sure the store owner thought it would be funny, ha ha, I’ll sell this 17 yr old kid a bird that will outlive him, he’ll be stuck with that thing the rest of his life. Thanks asshole, did you ever consider there would be other people involved here? No you didn’t, consider this, it’s 15 years later and now me, my roommate and the bird all hate you.

...You are at a party and gravitate towards the kitchen. What’s up with the kitchen, why are you all so drawn to it? is it your obsessive culture of eating? No matter the party, the house or the kitchen, it will indeed be packed with people. My kitchen is rather large for NY it’s about 3X3, we had at least 10 people in there at a recent party, all of you standing around just being hated by me.

...You insist on reporting every tropical storm and insignificant hurricane on national news. Can someone please tear out my eyes and shove sharpened pencils in my ears, I can’t fucking take it anymore. I don’t need to hear about every little storm in the Caribbean. There are other things happening in the world, in case you didn’t notice we started a war in the dessert, but for some reason running out of names for hurricane is more important. Unless it’s another catastrophic storm, keep it in the local news PLEASE, I don’t want to hear it. In other news, I hate you.

...You feel the need to have a conversation directly in front of my office. Not only are the two of you speaking in direct of earshot of me, but you are both speaking at the same time and borderline shouting. It is not necessary to speak so loud, it is not necessary or even productive to both be speaking at the same time or walk around in a huff slamming things on desks all while I’m hating you.

...You have lived in New York City for over 20 years yet don’t understand that Queens, Brooklyn, the Bronx and even Staten Island are all part of New York City. I really don’t even know what to say to that. There are no words to express my utter fascination with the bubble in which you live, other than I hate you.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The old hate-a-roo

...You don't go to http://cleverabuse.blogspot.com/ to read today's hate. What is wrong with you? You can't click on a simple link to go to a different blog to find some hate and some good abuse? You disgust me and I hate you.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Along Came Hate

...You are angry that assertive women in the workforce are called bitches. Let’s get this straight, women that step on people’s toes, talk behind people’s backs, are crafty and will do anything to get ahead, are full fledged bitches any way you look at it. The difference between you complaining and my accepting reality is that there is no double standard. There are plenty of men in the world that act the same way, and they are called dicks. Do you really think men that act this way are admired? Of course not, everyone they have ever worked with thinks they are dicks and hate them, almost as much as I hate you.

...You are waiting for your luggage at the airport and stand in front of the conveyer belt as close as is humanly possible without actually standing on it. So if you stand in the way of everyone else, this will somehow help you get your bag faster? There’s like a chain of assholes that form around the entire baggage area so no one else can get in there. My bag will always be first out in this situation and then I end up having run the entire length of the chain trying to catch up to my bag because yours is apparently more important than mine and cause to block me from getting my bag and hating you.

...You are a girl I haven’t seen in over 10 years that didn’t remember my name. OK, it’s been a long time, I haven’t seen or thought about you in over ten years, but seriously, we knew each other pretty well. If I’m going to get all liquored up at some hick bar at home, I’m going to talk to some cute blonde I knew from high school. I mean it’s not like we were strangers, did we not get caught by your parents making out on your couch in HS? I think we did, at least remember my name, I feel stupid and now I hate you.

...You are from my hometown and the biggest night of your year is the night before thanksgiving. Without fail you will for some reason be a “bouncer” at the local white trash bar. You don’t work there, your only connection to this bar is that you spend the other 364 days year of your miserable life in there. The bar of course is called Porky’s, but you are one of those special patrons that calls the owner “Pork”. You think it’s some exclusive club and try to let a line form outside and when people come up to you to go in, because you’re “checking” IDs, you love that power trip to say “you gotta wait 5 minutes, it’s too crowded.” But you have to say that in your most dumb jock kinda voice, with a cross between a Brooklyn and Bronx accent even though you don’t live in either place and have probably never been. And forget that you know me and yet you continue to ask for my ID to get into a local dive bar and forget that I am actually older than you and you know that and you call me by name and say Hi, let me see you’re ID and then I say, Hi I hate you.

...You are a salesman helping me get fitted for suits and says to the tailor, let’s clean up the seat. This referring to the ass portion of the pants. How about this, people that make pants for men, try making them so the ass doesn’t sag down seven inches. It’s not like I have a back with a line in it either, I actually have an ass, so what is the problem? I can almost understand on a suit because you get fitted for them anyway, but regular pants, jeans, and…if you actually wear them, shorts too. I can’t understand the problem with making pants that actually fit and don’t look like you are carrying a load in your ass while hating you.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Hating In America

...You immigrate to America and then complain about our culture. So you want to come to the US, get a good job, have a “better” life, but then you don’t want to adapt to our customs? In America, we don’t bargain over prices, whatever it costs is what you pay, that’s the beauty of this country business owners are so rich they don’t have to actually sell to you, they only have to hate you.

...You were some kind of engineer or Dr from the Middle East or Eastern Europe, and now you either drive a cab or make pizza. Was this your American dream? You missed the ride on that train, the glory days are gone. You need to come here already rich otherwise, you best be getting used to full cavity searches and driving over privileged assholes like me from bar to bar to bar blowing my easy earned money on hating you.

...You are American and are “guarding” the border of Mexico, shooting immigrants as they try to sneak into the country. Why the fuck do you care so much about some poor Mexican that wants to come to this country only to serve you? You realize there are limited jobs they’ll do, but no matter what you benefit tremendously and it will cost you is a slightly higher tax bill to pay this guy’s medical bills when he’s dying which unfortunately for him will be in about 15 years seeing as your life span is about 85 while his is maybe 50. So keep shooting and arresting them, then your children can work the slaughterhouses, clean hotels, deliver food and laundry and anything else I want to my door where I’ll be hating.

...You say the US should end immigration. Yes the country of immigrants should end immigration. The whole point of the US is to attract the best and the brightest from throughout the world, some of THE most important and influential Americans were immigrants. Not to mention, your family once immigrated to the US, unless of course you are Native American, which you can’t be because they were all killed by immigrants like your family or run casinos that take your money and hate you.

...You are trying to get to the US as a mail order bride. You post pictures on online dating sites and say in your profile, me like American men. You are either in Asia or Russia, no where else. You could of course use more traditional mail order bride services, like becoming a prostitute first, oh wait that’s exactly what you are doing. Then you get here and your new husband is a complete oaf and you’re actually kind of hot and then people look at him and laugh and snicker and then they look at you and hate.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The HATE Riot

Contributed by guest hater cleverabuse

www.cleverabuse.blogspot.com


...You are the person that refers to New York as The Big Apple. Los Angeles as The City of Angels. Chicago as Chi-town. You say things like "the price of poker just went up" when a bet is made in a nickel, dime, quarter game at my fathers kitchen table. You liberally use the phrases "you go girl" or "who’s your daddy". You insist on calling me "dawg" or "slick" or "chief" and if you have ever made the mistake of calling me "boy" or "son" know this...I am not only thinking of ripping out your tongue and mailing it to your eighties lady wife, I am also hating you.

...You have bumper stickers that say things like "America, love it or leave it!" Fuck you! I was born here you prick, and you know what, I don’t love it...but I’m not going anywhere and you cant make me. I pay my taxes, I contribute to society and I bad mouth it all the while and there is not a goddamn thing you can do about it. You want to be patriotic, fine. Feel free to drive around in your 1988 ford ranger with an American flag in the back window, throwing Budweiser cans in the back and touching yourself because you are excited that you and Bush say "nuclear" the same way (its like wees was kin!). You can yell and scream all you want about how I can leave anytime I want, and you're right I can, but for now I’m content just hating you.

...You want to give me the sob story about how my 37 cents a day can feed little Nakadumu for a month or week or whatever the hell it is. You drag this poor child in front of a camera that costs enough to feed the whole village, and not only that, you don’t bother to swat the fly out of his eye before you take the picture! This commercial has been on for years, why are you showing me the same kid? Why has he not grown? Is his agent not getting him royalties from this? I would send 37 cents a day, just to have the opportunity to hate you to your face.

...You wish you could hate but you don’t have the stomach for it. You sit in your cubicle all day thinking about what you want to say to the asshole next to you that won’t turn his radio down. You don’t say a word to the woman in front of you at the drugstore that continues to cough and hack all the while not having the courtesy to cover her mouth so as not to infect everyone with god knows what. You just smile and slightly turn away and give a slight nod as if to say "I understand". The problem is this; if you don't say it, who will? "Turn that fucking radio down you inconsiderate fuck before I make you swallow it with your lunchables during your 2 hour lunch break!" "Lady, how do you think you got that cold? I bet it’s because some rude bitch was not covering her mouth last time you were at the drugstore and infected you with whatever strain of epizudic they had. Now cover your face or get the fuck out of my way!" If you are one of those people, I don’t necessarily hate you individually, I hate all of you as a group and wonder if you read this and think "that’s what I would say..." but you never will because you can't hate, you, my sad friend are just hated.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Wuthering Hates

...You make your job sound more important than it is. Your job is not important, you’re not saving lives here people, you’re just another cog in the wheel. You have one purpose and one purpose only, to make some rich guy, richer. You can sit there working your 15 hours a days, talk your productivity and tell jokes about this months revenue, but stop kidding yourself, you were hired by someone because he’s that rich, he can pay you to do his job while he’s the one getting rich. I hate you more for being offended that I’m saying “He”, when I say “He” I of course mean a rich white guy or a corporation founded by a rich white guy. Guess what? This not-so-rich white guy hates you.

...You give advice by bragging about how great you are and how great your life is. Don’t give me career advice by telling me how you grew up poor and now you make more money than your lawyer brother any every single person you know. I would never expect a non lawyer to be as evil as you, but kudos on that. Telling me how much you paid for your house in Westchester or that you took your family on a $25,000 ski trip to Colorado does not impress me. Not to mention that you’re about 45, I’m 28, who are you trying to impress? You also pegged me completely wrong, money? No, I didn’t grow up poor, I grew up hating, hating the likes of you.

...You send me a full report from your website database instead of just sending me a link to the website like I asked. I’m not a tard like you, I asked for a link to your stupid website so I can get what I need myself. Although I like you doing my job for me, allowing more time to hate, I must hate you for doubting my intellect and thinking I’m as dumb and hated as you.

...You tell me I’m not allowed to use a company envelope to mail something personal. Why are you so loyal to a corporation? Why do you think that no one else does that, including the executives that pay for absolutely nothing? You make what, about $50k a year, but you have to buy your own lunch, your own coffee, your own dinners, pay for your own transportation, the executives make what? At least $1.5 mil? They get free lunch, free coffee, “entertain” clients nightly, free sports tickets, company car, housing allowance, etc. yet you are sitting there concerned about my single use of an envelope that costs the company about ¼ of a penny. And yes if everyone in the office did the same thing, the company might be out a whole dollar. That’s right, I hate you.

...You reassign a “project” to me without any authority. So I try to play the nice guy role once in a while, offer some assistance when I get a little sick of blogging. So if I ask you, do you need help don’t come back and dump days and days of your work on me. Even worse, if it’s not work related, like when I know a guy that knows a guy that can get you a deal, yeah well now it’s not my job to call him, it’s not my job to do anything, I’ll give you the number, that’s it, but I can guarantee what he’ll say and that will be that he hates you too.

...You are sick yet continue to come into work. This goes along the same lines as bragging about how much you work, you just want to be able to say how sick you were but still came into work. If you’re sick, stay the fuck away from me. You come in coughing all over the place, not covering your mouth, you have snot literally dripping from your face, using your hand to wipe it away, then extend your arm for a handshake. You are repellant. Stay home, enjoy the day or two off, watch your one life to live and your GH, some springer (is that still on?) just don’t come to work. I’m trying to keep up my streak, I haven’t been sick since March of 2000 and by not being sick I mean that I hate you.

...You think a floating holiday has to actually be taken on a holiday we don’t get off. You are such a silly pointless person. Was it necessary to call HR to ask the rules on floating holidays? Did you really not believe me? Thank you for trying to tattle on me as well when you told HR it was me who gave you the allegedly bad information. Of course you looked like the fool when HR told you I was right and that they also hate you.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I'll Stop the World and Hate With You

...You overfill the shredder every time you use it. You’d think after the first one or two times that you put too much paper into the shredder at once, you’d learn. But no, you think the more you try it, the more papers you can stuff in there, the better it will work. I guess everytime it jams, which is everytime you use it, you don’t comprehend how this works at all do you? A few papers at a time is all you need for me to not hate you.

...You send me an email with pictures of “cute” dogs. Don’t you get it? I hate animals, I don’t like yours and I don’t like strange dogs, I don’t like em. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that when I was 5 my lip was torn off by a dog. And don’t ask me why it was my lip, when a 5 yr old bends over to pet a dog, where’s he gonna get bit? His face you dumbass. Thank god for plastic surgery otherwise I’d be on a mission to rid the world of every canine; that of course would be after I hate you.

...You call me into your office, your phone rings, you answer and leave me sitting there for at least 10 minutes, me fed up, finally leave get back to my office which is the furthest point in the building away from you. Within 10 seconds of getting back to my office you call and say you are off the phone and ready to see me. I get back to your office and you’re on the phone AGAIN. Hey dickface, you have voicemail for a reason. You’re not saving lives here, you don’t have to answer the phone. You call me to your office, you better fucking respect my time and not waste it. it’s funny because when you’re boss calls me, I don’t always answer the phone you little kiss ass, so if some punk ass twenty something obnoxious prick like myself can not answer the phone once in a while, you can try it or continue to be hated by me.

...You think just because someone has a baby, they assume you now want to see all babies. Call me a heartless asshole, but if I’m not related to the baby I really don’t care. It’s not me with the baby, I’ve got a nephew, probably the only baby/child I’ve ever actually wanted to see. First of all, a baby just sits there, cries and eats. What the hell am I supposed to be interested in? so I’m with my sister at family events which of course involve about 75 people of which I know about 2. Every old lady asks my sister, did you see so and so’s baby? Oh this one has two, she’s got three….my sister and I couldn’t give two shits about someone else’s kid so we just sit there hating everyone’s babies. Yeah, I said it, I hate everyone else’s babies.

...You are my neighbors that insist on slamming doors. These walls are paper thin, you know that because you can hear me hating from my apartment so why do you think I can’t hear you? Everytime you leave or come home you let your door slam, everytime you go into or out of the stairwell, you let the door slam. It’s not too difficult to hold the door until it shuts, common courtesy people. I hate myself for actually hating people that slam doors, I sound like my parents…..what have I become?

...You are a grown adult and obsessed with children’s stories. Star Wars, lord of the rings and you guessed it you magical freaks, Harry Potter. As with the books, the movies are FOR CHILDREN. There is no land of mordor which by the way, for some reason there is a mordor in every single children’s story that has dragons. Mordor must be the center of dragons OR it’s the capital of people hated by me.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Yours, Mine and Hate

...You make a movie or TV show and think it will be better if you can add even more kids. First we were blessed with the Brady Bunch, then we had Just the Ten of Us, I'm sure there was a bad show in the 90's, then a kiddie movie with Steve Martin - Cheaper by the Dozen. Now the suits in Hollywood are pushing the envelope even further. 18 kids? Are they even trying anymore? Maybe there is a secret hollywood code to make movies and TV progressively worse. Some rich guy that knows nothing about movies has a bet with another rich guy that knows nothing about movies to see who can produce the worst money while making more than other. So today the Simpson's was interrupted by a commerical for a retarded movie where Dennis Quad has 8 kids and marries Rene Russo who has 10. What a genius concept you annoying people. I especially the clip where they are all standing around the answering machine trying to leave a message with all there names...wow that's Adoooooorrable. Now apparently new answering machines have time limits? Do people still even have answering machines? Do people even still have phones? Isn't it all voicemail and cell? Hollywood, I really loathe you, I have everything you make, I have every recycled idea, I hate movies where kids just play on the screen. I'm not a kid and I can't say I watch kids movies, but come on give the kids something to watch instead of how maany kids can this family have...or in my case, how many kids can this blogger hate, well for starters YOU.

Friday, November 18, 2005

It's the end of the hate as we know it

...You started singing that infectious song after reading the title. That's it sing away. I hate that song too, I looked up the lyrics once and a verse literally said gibberish. Actually that's kind of funny because some idiots out there in their tight rolled jeans were trying to figure them out at one point in the 80's. I say we bring back the tight rolled jeans and loafer look, but you go first, then I will hate.

...You think I’ll be able to continue my hate blogging at such a furious pace when I start my new job in December. Tragically, I’ve decided to trade in the 2 hour workday for another real job thereby thoroughly reducing the time I can dedicate to hating. I can make one promise to the all the little hatesters out there caught up in hate-a-mania, I will try my best to keep the hate alive. I hate you if you think this immediate and not just a forewarning. I hate you if you think there will be no more hate. I hate you if you still don’t check every single day, morning and afternoon just in case. I hate you for not checking when you get home from your mind numbing job. I hate you for not doing that now and I hate you more for not doing that in the future. Until the reduction in hate, enjoy and hate your fellow man.

...You call IT because you pushed the power button on your computer and it didn’t shut off. You stupid idiot. Why is it that as soon as something doesn’t work you immediately call for help? Can’t you do anything for yourself? It’s called trial and error. You would have been dead within hours in the hunter gatherer days. Even so, if the computer power button isn’t working, how about shutting off the power cord? Ever think of that? The worst part is you just sit there going on and on and on about how you can’t shut it off and then tell everyone that walks by and complain and get hated by me.

...You are shopping at the supermarket and feel it is necessary to stop in the middle of a narrow aisle with your cart perpendicular blocking passage for anyone. First off this is NY, you shouldn’t be shopping with a cart anyway, use the basket and please do not bring your own cart that’s just weird. If in the burbs, ok you can use the cart because you shop for a month at a time and eat 20 times as much as city dwellers even though you get in your car to go less than a mile away. Either way, if you are in the supermarket at the same time as me, I hate you.

...You are reading the hate on my computer screen when I get back from the bathroom. Ok it was my fault for leaving my hate up on the screen, but it wasn't the blog, I do as any fake employee would do and that is to have my hate saved as a draft email that has now far surpassed the 15 page point. At least now you have a subtle hint that you are the one that is in fact hated.

...You are the executive down the hall that smokes in his office. I don’t really care that you came up with such a “priceless” slogan, it doesn’t entitle you to do whatever you damn well feel like. Smoking doesn’t bother me, but if the rest of the world has to follow laws, well my friend so do you. Oh and the “employees must wash hands” also includes you, try it sometime Mr. Delicate Genius. I hate you.

...You think I’m not computer literate enough to trace the ISP paths of everyone that visits the hate. Actually I stumbled on this while bored at work recently, seeing as I’m “checked out” with the new job coming and all, as opposed to the rest of my 13 months here. Anyway, I know who’s been here, when you’ve been here, how many times you’ve been here and I’ll be sending reports to all your employers, because it has their names too. I mean I’m totally in favor of sticking it to the corporations, but you people reading this from schools? Oh that’s so wrong, won’t somebody think of the children? And there are a lot of teachers out there that apparently hate, it’s good thing you’re all teachers because you’ll get hated right back.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Hatiburton

...You said "What we're hearing now is some politicians contradicting their own statements and making a play for political advantage in the middle of a war”. But it is absolutely no problem to mention 9/11 about 50 times during an acceptance speech for a presidential election? Apparently there was no opportunism there, apparently you have an affinity for newspeak as well, I hate that, but what I am doing is taking this opportunity to hate every Tom, Dick and Bush.

...You said of people questioning the war, "one of the most dishonest and reprehensible charges ever aired in this city." Well Dr. Evil, I don’t think you holding secret meetings with your energy pals about how to profit from taxpayer money is reprehensible at all. I mean think about it. An energy task force, never has it been headed by a VP or Pres. therefore, the minutes of these meetings have always been available for the public, as they should. But you with a stroke of pure evil genius decided to head that task force yourself so you can claim executive privilege and never release the minutes to the likes of me, brilliant old chap, brilliant. I have an idea, I am in need of finding some new people to hate, I’m going to ask you to head a committee to find that person, but in the end, just like the VP, I know you will choose yourself.

...You have a gay daughter yet prey on people’s fear of gay marriages. Seriously I don’t know how you can stand to wake up in the morning, granted I think you are actually dead and a robot has been used in your place even before the 2000 “election”. Your own flesh and blood is gay, but you evil one, you scared a bunch of red necks to think that somehow if your own daughter was able to be married, it would threaten billybob from getting married and divorced 7 times, fathering 8 illegitimate children and from sleeping with his first cousin, which he obtained a court order to do. I, on the other hand, I obtained a court order to hate you.

...You are DICK Cheney. I know it didn't need to be said, but words cannot express my hatred of such an evil person. Dick, in what military unit did you serve? Oh that's right you didn't you had "better things to do with your time." I wish I was making that up. How fucking dare you call any human being on the face of this earth unpatriotic? You had better things to do than serve in Vietnam? yeah I would have dodged to, but I'm not the asshole calling people unpatriotic for not wanting to fight your goddamn war. Not even a just war, its a fucking religious crusade. Maybe if those better things to do included history lessons we wouldn't be in this mess. I think I've found the answer to an earlier hate, people named Richard choose to be called DICK for good reason. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Dick Cheney you have officially been hated.

Please Sir, May I Have Some Hate?

...You ask me if I have a tan when I clearly have a tan. Wow HD do you have a tan? No last week when I said I’m going on vacation to the Caribbean I really meant that I’m taking a week off to lay in a coffin like bed so that I can come into work on Monday to have you ask me if I’m tan you stupid fucker. Better yet in the Summer when I come in on a Monday with a tan you ask me this: “Wow, were you outside this weekend?” No, it was sunny and 90 degrees Saturday and Sunday, I was pale white on Friday and now I’m tan, nope wasn’t outside, you can apparently get tan by sitting inside and hating you all day.

...You don’t know the etiquette of revolving doors. Let’s make this clear ladies and gentlemen. If the door is not in motion the man goes first, you savvy? It’s not like a regular door where you open it and then let a woman go first. The revolving door takes a little muscle to get going therefore the chivalrous action is for the man to go first. I hate you if you are a woman and offended at my hate of people not knowing manners. I hate you if you are a woman and don’t understand this rule and think I’m being rude by going first when in reality I’m doing the right thing. if the door is already in motion, the woman goes first, unless of course you are a woman hated by me, then I break all etiquette and will just hate you.

...You ride a bike in the city and feel you are above basic traffic laws. To you, one way streets don’t mean a thing and those red lights? Why on earth would you even slow down to see if someone is coming the other way. You can rest assured that if you’re crossing a semi main intersection no less than 3 bike messengers/delivery guys will cut you off. I’ve seen you ride directly into oncoming traffic and then be shocked that someone almost hits you. Sidewalks, no for you these are just an extension of the street, that’s why I push you off your bike and say I hate you.

...You are the person that constructed the bathrooms in my office building. Was it necessary to make 1.5 inch wide gaps between the panels? Do you have any idea how awkward it is to walk into the bathroom and to be able to see someone on the thrown trying to cover their bits and pieces? Do you have any idea how awkward it is to be the one on that thrown and have someone walk in and make eye contact with you through the gaps in the panels? How about when they say hello? It’s the creepiest most awkward situation in the entire world aside from hating you.

...You take things off the printer without checking to make sure it’s only yours that you’re taking. I guess you are the only person that uses that printer and no one would dare print to yours. I’m glad you live in a world that revolves completely around you and only you. I’m also glad that whenever I see something you printed, I throw out a couple of the middle pages so when you mail something out or give it to your boss you will look like an idiot for missing pages 4 through 7 all because I hate you.

...You see 100’s of people walking up the stairs from the subway and think you deserve to walk down. What do you not understand about this? The train just let everyone out, they’re all walking up the stairs, the train is gone by now and you can’t simply wait until the people all get out? what makes you so important? And why are you rushing to stand around in a steam bath for an extra two minutes? Do you have any idea how hot it is underground? You should know that once you make it down the stairs, I’ll be there waiting to hate you.

...You are someone at my company doing market research and send an email survey with a subject line: Fun online survey - first, it’s a survey, nothing fund about it, second don’t use the ol bait and switch job on me. For the sake of the blog I began the survey, which starts as all others do and asks the question, if this website was a person who would it be? If this website was an animal what kind would it be? What are the first three words you think of when see the name of this website? How about: I HATE YOU.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Let me hear your body hate, body hate

...You look at me like I’m some kind of genetic freak for sweating at the gym. I don’t know what you do, but I go to the gym to exercise, you know running, elliptical, cycling, one of those things, people tend to sweat. I realize you come to the gym for the sole purpose of making me have to wait for a treadmill. A little hint, if you can read while working out, you’re not working out, you’re just being hated.

...You refer to cycling as spinning. Have we been dumbed down so much that riding a stationary bicycle now is just referred to as spinning? Oooooo, look at the pretty colors, it spins, lets call it spinning. And what’s with the techno music they blast during this? It’s like a headache and heart attack all mixed into one, don’t forget to include a seizure in there. Flashing strobe lights, techno music blaring and a cracked out chick yelling at you to peddle faster, that’s my idea of goooooooood livin, I hate you.

...You are doing cardio at the gym and take little baby sips from your bottle of water every 3 minutes. First of all, you’re barely moving and not even close to breaking a sweat. B, you can’t go 30 minutes, wait for you its 10 minutes, without having a sip of water? How do you get through the rest of your exhausting life? I mean what happens if you have to walk a flight of stairs? What happens when McDonald’s is closed and you have to walk all the way next door to Burger King to feed your fat face with some of me hating you?

...You drive to the gym and circle the parking lot for that magical parking spot in front of the door. These people are going to the gym, to presumably work-out, either lifting, cardio, both or whatever – but for some reason walking that extra 30 feet is just too much workout for them. These are probably the same fat asses that go to the gym, wait in line for a treadmill for 15 minutes, finally get on, walk for ten minutes sipping water all the while and then think they’ve had enough of a workout. Well I’ve reserved all the spots in front of the door, you’ll notice the signs that say I hate you.

...You are naked locker room man. You are over 55, you just finished your “workout” and are about to hit the showers. For some reason you really enjoy wearing no pants, the first thing you take off, even before your sneakers, are your shorts and of course you’re not wearing underwear. Then you take your sweet ass time taking the rest of your clothes off and then to the shower. After your shower, you don’t use towels like the rest of the known universe, no, you prefer that good old fashioned air dry, even though you are in public. Just standing there, completely naked. You finally get your clothes together to dress, you put on everything except your pants and just stand around, you talk to people, pantless, comb your hair, pantless, get hated by me, pantless.

...You are the guy at my gym that is bald and wears a towel over his head fastened with a sweatband, iron sheik style. Dude, you’ve got no hair I’m sorry, but a towel is not fooling anyone, anyone at all. It also gives you no right to walk around the gym like you’re some kind of tough guy workout prodigy. You’re 5’4” and a little runt, don’t stand there telling me I’m working out “wrong” or give me the nastiest look for asking if you’re done, but then it’s okay to ask me if I’m done with that, well no I’m not, I still have another 10 minutes of hating you.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Good Will Hating

...You are paying for something in a store and insist on counting exact change. If the exact change is not in your hand already, you lose. You are not allowed to dig around in a big bag looking for 67 cents. And why can’t stores price things so no change is ever needed? Or at least only quarters? There is a way to make something that costs $2.92 cost a nice even $3.00. And while I’m at it, you’re not fooling anyone by saying it costs $19.99, we all know it’s 20 bucks and if you don’t know that, well my friend, you have just been hated.

...You say your favorite movie is pretty woman. Yes what a lovely story, it would be nice to think this could happen to you. You know it’s every girl’s dream to first be a filthy whore on Hollywood Blvd. to then be purchased by some obnoxious rich guy that thinks he owns you and then you being such a money hungry rabid animal think that having him buy you clothes is just the greatest dream come true. Don’t ever tell me that’s your favorite movie, even if it is, if you do…..HATED.

...You make an appointment to see me at 2 and then show up at 1:45. Are you trying to impress me by coming early? Do you think this will keep you from being hated by me? There is only one way that you won’t be hated and that is to not show up at all, never call me again, never email me again, never have someone mention your name in my presence, then and only then will you not be hated by me.

...You come up to me and start talking to me in a bar and ask me my hobbies. Is this the extent of your interesting conversation or was this just a line so I can ask you and then you can ramble on and on about how you do theater for fun. I didn’t realize that I was on a bad date. As a matter of fact I do have a hobby, it’s hating you.

...You have an entire bar to lean on, yet you insist on unnecessarily leaning right up against me. Dude what is your deal, can you give me like 2 inches of breathing room here? You’ve got about 10 feet of open bar space why the closeness? And why is it that every time I go to piss or out for a smoke that girl you’re with puts her bag on my chair? You know I’m coming back in 1 minute so I can hate you.

...You are middle aged and think the only way to connect with someone younger is to brag (pretend) about how much you drink. You’re 40, you’re not impressing me if you’re still single and running around getting wasted 5 nights a week, that’s what being in your 20’s is for. Just because you ended up alone leaving you the “ability” to go out drinking doesn’t make you cool, it makes you hated by me.

...You tell me I can afford to have a “treat” because I’m thin. Love this situation, one thin person, one morbidly obese person. Obese person tells thin person, oh you can afford to have some chocolate cake and extra frosting because you’re thin. Hmmm, so you can afford to have it because you’re already fat? There’s a reason people are thin, because they don’t eat that shit everyday. Thin people have found enjoyment in their lives through means other feeding 30 times a day, try ditching the cats for some real human interaction so I can stop hating you so much.

Monday, November 14, 2005

10 Things I Hate About You

...You are about to cross the street and a car runs through the red light during the walk sign and you throw up your arms and make a face of outrage. Yeah that’s it, that will reverse time and make the car go backwards through the light so you can cross. This also happens when you are driving and someone cuts you off, you throw up your arms in outrage or when someone in front of you is going too slow and you sit there stewing over it. If I see that in the rearview mirror, I then go even slower, if you try to pass me, I’ll move over just as you do, and then back again, you can’t win because I hate you.

...You are my cousin that doesn’t shut the hell up. I go up to CT for one of 1000 family events and I’m careful to avoid talking to a certain cousin the entire time, then just as I’m getting ready to leave, I get cornered and lectured for over 3 hours. Everyone’s gone at this point, they’ve all gone to bed, I’m standing there with my keys in hand ready to leave, it was 3 hours before there was even a pause in the conversation for me to say, all right then I gotta get going now. It was torture. We really need some new laws on torture because it’s not right to hate your cousin.

...You come up to me in the Union Square subway station and ask my thoughts on men’s fragrances. Was it necessary to come right up to my face, ask me to take my headphones off as though you had some important information or were possible in some kind of trouble, not that I would help you anyway, but then ask “if you were a men’s fragrance, what would you be called?”. Yes thank you for making me stop for that. Then you got mad and starting shouting at me making a scene when I said I don’t have time for this and started walking away. It’s a good thing I told you I hate you, otherwise that commotion would have been for naught.

...You ask me if I have read the Da Vinci code. That is sooooo 2003, who hasn’t read it by now? And if you haven’t yet, don’t, because honestly it’s not that good. I’ll give away the obvious ending right now, the cripple did it. and while I’m at, in angels and demons, which is slightly better, there is no way he can survive jumping out of a helicopter 5000 feet into the air, and yes the pope’s right hand man did it, I don’t remember his name because I read that like 5 years ago, hello people these are old. I can’t wait for his next book where the “guy you least expect” is actually the one that commits the crime. Try a new idea Dan Brown. I hope you hate me now, because I hate you.

...You set up a conference call or meeting between the hours of 12 and 2:30. PEOPLE, this is obviously lunch hour, please do not bother me at this time. And yes that’s right, 2.5 hours for lunch. I’ve got a lot of things to get done during the day, I need to take a walk to get away from you, I need to get some lunch which will inspire at least 3 hates, I need to read some other nonsensical blogs, usually about some 20 something girl complaining she doesn’t get enough sex, then I think to myself, how can that be? And then I hate.

...You wear sweatpants that say juicy on the ass and your ass is far too juicy. There’s not much I can say here, everyone loves a juicy ass, but when I can see dimples through your juicy pants, you’ve gone too far and have officially become hated by me.

...You call me out on a lie I told when I was drunk and hitting on you. Ok, so I’m really not good at playing guitar, but I honestly never thought you’d ever be in my apartment. I don’t really have a trust fund and do actually have a job that I have to show up to, but I don’t actually do any work there, so that’s not entirely a lie, I just get paid to hang out, tell some jokes, keep the peeps laughing, and to blog about hating you of course.

...You think I will actually hate on 10 things because of the title. Um, yeah just a title. You also think I've jumped the shark for using a title that already had hate in it. I've got news for you, hate blogging jumped on day one when someone actually read this blog. So in the future look for hate blogging to have a wedding, add a new character named Oliver, have a guest appearance by Jefferson from married with children, and have a big 2 part vacation episode to either Europe or Hawaii where we'll hate for an entire hour.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Friday Night Hate

...You tell me that my hate isn't posted early enough the morning. Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me how to hate or when to hate or where to hate. I'm sorry I didn't get the memo that I have to follow certain rules of hating. There is one remedy and that is to pick me up a bottle of Maker's on the way over before I hate you even more.

A Streetcar Named Hate

...You are making about 150 copies at the copy machine and then don’t clear the machine before you leave. Thanks, because now I have 150 copies of my receipt I’m submitting as an expense. Yes, I hate you if you also point out that I can hit cancel on the copier. I’m making a point you literal fucker and Moses really did part the Red Sea just to get to the promised land where he hated you for eternity.

...You still don’t know how to hail a cab. Hailing a cab is not a science, not a talent, not a skill, it’s just a basic fundamental daily activity, like breathing. There are three stages of a cab, all with clear indicators, there’s obviously available, in which case the light will be on. There’s off duty, in which case the light says: off duty, surprise surprise. Then the all too confusing third category is when someone is already in it. I’m not sure why this is such a confusing one, but if someone’s in the cab, the light is off, get it? don’t put your arm and then look like your going to cry or kill when the cab drives by you. You see there’s someone in the back. And for the love god, when hailing a cab, DO NOT just leave you’re arm up in the air waiting for one to see you, especially when there are none coming, even more especially when there are no cars coming, and even most especially when I’m hating you.

...You call me from another country and don’t leave your country code. I’m in the US, you know Americans are completely ethnocentric and have no interest in learning the country codes, other languages or even simple geography. Our country code of course is 1, simple and everyone knows that, and I expect you to know that because again, I’m American. But there’s like 50 countries in Europe alone, not a chance in hell I’m going to remember all of em, if you don’t leave me your country code and I actually know it, I’m still not calling you back because I hate you.

...You are the person that keeps pissing in the stairwell of my apartment building. WHY? As soon as it’s cleaned, you are in there within 24 hours taking a piss. The smells is so repellant I gag every time I walk through it. Once I find out who you are I am going to pee under your door, everyday and leave you little love notes so you know why you have become a victim of my hate.

...You are singing some kind of unnecessarily long drawn out note and your lower lip quivers as though it was 20 degrees in the room. Then as your lip is quivering, you throw out a hand with a little point thing going on as though you are conducting yourself. Perhaps you then do a dip of some sort, maybe snap with your other hand, yeah you’re grooving to my hate.

...You are male and eat a banana straight out of the peel without breaking each piece off first. This is gross. I’ll admit I eat bananas on a daily basis, but I recognize the phallic shape and break off pieces as I eat them. There is no way any male, gay or straight, should be deep throating bananas as they eat them. Women, don’t be discouraged from this behaviour, please. Although, if you start gagging, I hate you too. I’m talking about bananas, the fruit, you sick perverts.

...You wear space alien sunglasses. Who decided that these are cool? A little hint, you don’t have to buy something just because someone is selling it. By Spring no one will be caught dead wearing them and then you’ll be out another $300 because Dolce will have new fad eyewear. You may as well throw them in the big pile with your leg warmers, jelly bracelets, parachute pants, cargo pants, flannel shirts, acid was jeans, and your concept T-shirts that say things like “I’m a pimp” or “that’s hot”, sorry those are done too, I hate you.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Video Hates the Radio Star

...You were my neighbor who eventually got a job working during the day at the video store. Ok you are working the day shift during the week, no one comes in during this time, I think you can afford to vacuum and put away the porn movies in the back. Me, I was 17, looked about 12, working after school and/or at night the time when people actually come in to rent movies. Not to mention, there’s no way I’m putting away the porn movies in back, do you realize how many comments I got from people when I'd come walking in from back there? It was bad enough the bathroom was there and after taking my afternoon poop people would see me walk out and assume I’m up to no good? Who would think I would do that in the store anyway? That’s kind of creepy that you even thought of that, I mean if you were in my situation, would you? of course not because then you’d be hated.

...You were the nervous the guy renting your first porn. First, you didn’t have to pay for membership, that was only applicable in like 1983, but I’m glad I charged you 20 bucks to join. Second, you are not going to a stag, it’s Tuesday. Don’t tell me to just pick any porno, because without fail I’m picking the gay porn for you. So one, if it really is for stag party, you’ll have some explaining to do or two if it’s really for you, you’ll be wondering for months, does he think I’m gay? Do I look gay? Maybe I am or maybe I’m just hated.

...You were my rather largess co worker at the video store would insist on giving me sex advice. I never wanted to hear this from you in the first place so I forgot it over the years, but it’s back. “All you need to do in bed is circles. My man does circles and it makes me come every time.” Ohh I shudder at just thought of her saying this, then I get the image of her copulating in my head and become nauseous, break out in a cold sweat and feel a panic attack of horror. Not to mention she also met her “men” online and again this was circa ‘94. That one computer programmer guy from Colorado was a keeper that’s for sure. The worst part is, this poor guy flew all the way out east just to bang you, I’m sure even he was disappointed when seeing you in real life, my guess is he hated you too.

...You were my kinda hot, slutty co worker from the video store. So I was 16 in high school and this girl got around a bit. I would sometimes have the “honour” of working with her on a weekend night. I could keep the girl entertained while at work, all with ulterior motives of course, but entertained nonetheless. Of course to my dismay this girl apparently would sleep with our entire high school, except me. Nothing, nada, nathan, I hate you.

...You were a girl from my class’s father that would rent porn every single night I worked. You made it so difficult to sit through Spanish class, but seriously guy, you’ve got problems. A little porn from time to time, not bad, in fact I encourage it, but every night? And man those callous’ on your hands, I mean your entire hand is callous. I really hope you lubed properly, unless you and the Mrs. were freaks. Which reminds of this girl I used to hang out with’s parents, who both happened to be teachers at the high school, that both happened to be large and gross. The girl was not large and gross at the time, well maybe gross in a hot kind of way. Anyhoo, one night at her house, yours truly stumbles upon her parents porn collection and her parents sex toy collection. I ran out of that house so fast kicking and screaming I hate you all the way home.

...You are my friends from high school that just assumed you should get free movies from me. Well actually you assumed right, god help me if I would charge anyone I knew to rent a movie. I mean even if I barely knew you, why should you pay? That’s crazy. And if you had more late fees than the movie was worth, suddenly when I’m working, they were gone. Hmm, how does that happen? I don’t know, because I hate you.

...You were the guy from my church that came in the store to return two movies, both porn. It wasn’t awkward for me, I laughed and I laughed, must have been weird for you when I saw you in church with your whole family, all dressed nicely, speaking with the minister about what a lovely day it was. Yeah, lovely day for you to rent some of the dirtiest porn ever made. Oh I think I just came up with a new book idea, secrets of the video store guy or should it be hated by the video store guy?

...You "interview" me to work at the video store to replace the other guy working there, DJ, and say you are looking for another DJ. Then throughout my long sordid tenure slinging videos to the likes of you, I had to hear constant comparisons. DJ could get anyone to rent any movie, DJ would work late if someone was in the store, DJ never took home any of the porn, DJ was just the best, DJ always dressed so nice, DJ, DJ, DJ, DJ. I fucking hate DJ and I hate you.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Everybody Hate Chung Tonight

...You are the people that live in the apartment above me and feel the need to move furniture and vacuum and clean only at 1:30 in the morning. Who cleans their apartment at such ungodly hours? And why is it at least 3 days a week? I know it’s not rough sex because I know when that’s happening too, in fact, on occasion the rough sex comes before the furniture moving….wait it all makes sense now, I hate you.

...You are at the urinal and think it is appropriate to pee hands free. I’m sorry but all missiles need guidance. At any moment that thing can lose control and start spraying everywhere, namely me standing right next to you. Not only are you not guiding it, but you put your hands on your hips, let out a groan and lean your head back. You disgust me and please for the love of god, shake before putting it away maybe then I will not hate you so much.

...You have me on your mailing list for pointless email updates about your job and the services you sell. I must say I have friends guilty of this and will come to the blog to find themselves hated, but it must said. Even worse than having your email address on the mailer, is having two of your email addresses on the mailer. Tragically I must now mark your address as spam and leave an automated outgoing message that I hate you.

...You tell me my blog is “actually kind of funny”. As if it is some major surprise that I could possibly come up with such pure hatred genius? You are basically telling me you thought I was totally incapable of being so hate filled. You know, you are actually kind of intelligent, I would never have suspected that judging from your actions, but no you kind of are, just kind of because you’re not really, I’m just being nice, in reality, I hate you.

...You stop in utter amazement gawking at subway performers. Wow look at the guy banging on an empty bucket, let me just stand right here in front of the stairs so I can get the best view while getting in as many people’s way as possible. After all, wouldn’t everyone want to stop and stare at this for at least ten minutes? I’m doing them a favour by forcing them to run into me, miss their train and hate me.

...You miss a huge spot on your face shaving. How do you not notice this when you are actually shaving? It’s a big spot on the side of your face and not even like a one day shave miss, it’s a huge spot, as though you had grown a beard in one place for 10 days, purposely shaving around one general area. You are repulsive and disgusting and hated.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

She Blinded Me With Hate

...You are emptying the only available dryer in the laundry room and folding the clothes as you empty it. You selfish, self centered bitch. Why are you so deserving as to make me wait for you to fold your precious underwear? I guess the folding table are there for nothing. Then you turn to me to ask oh are you waiting for this one, oh no go right ahead take your time, I just came down here to the laundry room to watch your masterful clothe folding skills. What am I waiting for? I’m not waiting for anything except to hate you.

...You email people a picture of your child and send along every picture in your online photo album. It’s bad enough you’re sending me a picture of your child that I don’t want to see, but then I get exposed to you in a bikini from your trip to Mexico, which we really don’t want to see. We have to see you in your florescent tourist clothes in Disney. We don’t want to see pictures of Aunt Sally’s 93rd birthday party. All we want to do is hate you.

...You see me wearing headphones yet continue to attempt to have a conversation with me. You see these two white headphones that say hey look at me I’m so cool, I have an ipod? Well I’m wearing them for a reason, so I don’t have to speak to the likes of you. I can relax, listen to some tunes and hate you.

...You come over to my office and proceed to give me an in depth detailed description of what you did after work yesterday. Oh what a great story about how your two cats were snuggling up next to each other. Two things, did you notice that I’m not a woman? I don’t care about your “cute” animals and second, did you notice that I’m still typing on my computer, talking on the phone and ignoring you? no you didn’t, leave me alone I have important blogging to do here.

...You make a pointless comment to me saying, oh you eat healthy too, we all eat healthy around here. TOO? WE? No, no no. I may eat healthy but you most certainly do not. How can you possible say that with a straight face as you’re eating a bag of potato chips with a triple choco mocha latte? The calories in that “coffee” alone are enough for your total daily intake. How about your daily calls for tea parties full of cake and cookies and god knows what else? Why do I work here? I had no idea these type of people existed, but I’m glad they do so now I can hate them.

...You are fascinated when someone has the same last name as you. You’re not too bright are you? I’m sure the other person wants to compare notes and guess where in Italy you’re both from, I bet it IS the same town because just like in the States, if you have the same last name you MUST be from the same town. Have you ever used a phonebook? Probably not, because no matter where you are someone always has the same last name, you’re not that original, but you are hated.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Not Another Teen Hate

...You are the woman that owned the video store I worked in while in high school. I could have written a novel on this woman by the time I turned 18, but alas, it's 10 years later and 10 years of hating has done quite the damage to my memory, so I only have a few to share, but they're beauties...

...You decide to take inventory of the adult section with the only 16 year old male working in the video store on Sunday afternoon with a store full of kids. Not only was is it inventory, but you made me stand there behind the counter and yell out the titles to you while you were in the "back room". THE single most uncomfortable moment in my life was when a nice lady was at the counter while I yelled to the back and I quote..."Marie, come on my face".

...You are the creepy video store owner that wore a wig. The most confusing part of your wig were the sunglasses that were permantly on your head, not wearing them, but resting on the top of your head holding your hair/wig in place. and why the same outfit every day. If humpty dumpty was a person his body would be like this woman's, very eggish in the middle with two little sticks for legs and two sticks for arms, wearing black stretch pants pulled up to her sagging breasts and a blue moo mooish type shirt...how about this, come on my hate.

...You are the chain smoking video store owner. oh there's so much on this woman, but i love her for giving me a key to the store on my very first day of work. You had no less than 7 cigarettes lit at the same time, ashtrays all over the store on video racks, some with lit cigarettes some with mounds of ash and how what about the brand, Lark? I know that sounds made up, but it's true, cartons and cartons of these things laying around the store, waiting to be hated by me.

...You are the very same video store owner that met a guy on the internet, IN 1994 PEOPLE, and married him. This was in the days of dial up when it took about 19 minutes to load a page. Let's not forget about all the freaks that were on there at the time, weren't people all worried that somehow the internets would rape your 10 year old daughter? I'm not sure how the internets can do that, but one thing they have certainly perfected is my hated of you.

...You are the 3 women working at the video store all at the same time when I walked in with a girl and you all started pawing at me and trying to take my shirt off for some reason and totally freaked out the girl and then we spent the next hour laughing at you and hating you.

...You are the guy that rented 22 movies every new years. Is this how celebrate? wow, bring in the new year with 22 movies. I hate you if you think I'm even exaggerating, because I am probably underestimating the exact number, this guy must have gone on lock down for 3 days straight, they sure know how to party in that house. if this is how they celebrate new years, what the hell is the rest of your life like, it must be horrendous to be so hated.

...You are the guy that came in to rent porn and felt it was appropriate to tell porn watching stories to the 16 yr old kid behind the counter, yours truly. It was all about when you were younger and made your little brother watch dirty movies, then tied his hands down so he couldn't play with himself...yeah all things I don't need to know and why is this one of the select few things i've chosen to remember, I'm scared, makes me want to tear out me glazzies and I hate you.

...You are the omnipresent customer that would pick up THE worst movie, turn to me and say is this good? I just love that Charlie Sheen. Ok, you love the man in some of the worst all time movies, ok, proceed. You pick up what, terminal velocity? did i see that? um noooo, are you going to see that, ummm yes. that's the best movie i ever saw, you should definately rent that and then when you return it, you can give me a very thorough critique and analysis of this fine motion picture at which point I'll hate you.

...You think that working a video store was not my best job to date. How can anything compete with being 16 making good money at $6.50 an hour (this was 93-95 people, inflation, I was 16), I had a key to the store, ate the snacks when i felt like it, free soda from the machine, free movies, free porn, free video games, abuse of "petty cash" and what was my job? to sit around, do my homework, watch movies and hate you when you came in to rent a movie.