Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Attack of the I hate you's

…You drive slow in the left lane. I don’t want to hear, oh I’m doing the speed limit, you can’t get mad at me. That’s like being 4 years old standing next to your sister pointing in her face saying, I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you. Or you are a lawyer because “technically” you are not going too slow. But let it be known, you are hated by many, just because the speed limit says 55, it doesn’t mean that you should go 55 in the left lane, commonly known as the PASSING lane. Do you hear that? The passing lane, people use this lane to pass slow drivers like yourself. When we have to go to the middle or right lane to pass you, you can be sure to know that you are indeed hated.

…You use one of those umbrellas that are wider than the sidewalk. Why is it that all the normal people in this city can use a sensible umbrella and go about their business but for some reason you need to carry a tarp over your head? This umbrella is so big you have to hire 4 off duty bicycle delivery guys to carry it for you. But then when people bump into your personal mobile tent, you get mad at them. Do you think you are THAT worthy? If you were, I would expect you to have your own car and driver, you would definitely not need to be walking outside in the rain, I therefore hate you.

…You are one of the drift walkers. Let me explain. I am walking behind you and you are walking too slowly, I move to pass by you on the left hand side, but what do you do? You gradually just drift to the left getting in my way. Apparently you were absent on the day they taught the whole walking in a straight line thing. This not only happens on the sidewalks, it can be found on any highway, people just drifting into another lane, apparently the lanes are extra wide, do whatever you want, because there’s no one else on the road, it’s all yours.

…After two hurricanes damage the oil industry you respond by saying we need more oil. That is a completely asinine response. There’s a traffic jam, I know how to solve it, send more cars. How about using those huge tax breaks you gave to the oil companies two months ago and use them for research and development of new energy that doesn’t come from the people that are trying to kill us. It’s a completely retarded system, energy independence doesn’t come from drilling in Alaska, it’ll come from something grown in those stupid midwestern states that continue to vote against their own interests. How about we stop paying farmers to NOT grow food and start turning some of our crops into energy?

…You provide some kind of service to people and provide your service at the last possible moment or when it’s too late. Example. Imagine if you will, that you are a lawyer, you are asked by a client at 9 in the morning to provide an answer today. In the normal world of business, when someone says today, they would like that answer somewhere before 5PM of their own time zone. As a lawyer, well today could be anytime from 9 in the morning EST to 11:59 HI Time, because technically speaking by the legal sense of the word “today” well that could mean today anywhere in the country, how was I to know, you never specified, really that’s no one’s fault but your own. So basically I hate you lawyers, yes that’s right LAWYERS, that find every possible way to evade any responsibility for your actions or should I say lack thereof. When I say today, I mean by 5PM EST TODAY.

…You tell “cute” stories about your pets. I don’t care if you’re an animal person or not, but your animal is your pet, not mine. I don’t like your pet, I don’t like stories about your annoying pet. If your cat was hiding in a bag or handing from a tree limb, I don’t want to hear about it, there’s debate that this even cute at all, but at most, it’s only you that thinks this, we don’t need to know. If you see a squirrel opening an acorn, it’s not some supernatural event, this happens all the time, don’t point and look to say awwwweee how cute. Yes a squirrel is eating, when you eat it’s like a cow chewing grass, yeah I don’t want to see that either, I hate you.

3 comments:

Nikky Egland said...

OK, I am guilty about telling stories about my pets.. I can't help it, I love animals! And I do live in the midwestern states, and I must say, not all of us voted for George W and his retarded theories of energy resources. Dick Cheney is from WY and you would expect him to look out for our best interests, but I guess not!

Doofi said...

Dick look out for anyone other than himself? now that is funny. I'm sure everyone is guilty of some of the i hate you's, well that is, except for me of course....

I think it's debatable if anyone actually voted W

jessie said...

yeah, some people are guilty of the i hate you's and some people don't realize it till you bring it to their attention.
as for george, well i can say i didn't vote for him but apparantly someone did, he's in office.