Thursday, September 15, 2005

From I hate you to Kelly

…you use the stalls in the office rather than a urinal and pee all over the seat. I might excuse this if we were at a bar where no one expects to receive a clean stall. But there is no reason to have to double or even triple crows nest at the office, that’s unacceptable.

…you talk to the person in the stall next you. I am perfectly comfortable using a stall, but making small talk or worse, asking personal questions while on the crapper is crossing the line. One has to wonder the thought process that occurs before a statement is made through the thin metal barrier that is just oh so important. Some seek solace with their stall time, others simply want privacy, but if you have such bravado that you feel compelled to begin a conversation with anonymous stranger sitting next to you, think twice, do us all that favor.

…you drive a car with diplomat plates. Just because you have diplomatic immunity doesn’t mean you take complete rule of an entire city. If you see someone driving the wrong way on a street, definitely UN, blowing red lights, UN, parked on the sidewalks, you better believe it’s UN, mowing down pedestrians….that’s right UN. Way to abuse your privileges!

…you check your blackberry while out in social setting, i.e. bar. So you want to feel important do you? Hey everyone, look at me, I’m at a bar, but I’m soooooo important that people need ME to answer THEIR questions. Seriously Paco, you’re not fooling anyone except the idiot girl that’s impressed by some guy that says he’s a “banker”. And maybe that’s your angle, maybe that’s what you’re after, but just know that you’re not really fooling anyone, and of course that I hate you.

… You work at the gym and talk to people while they’re working out. The main offenders are the steakhead dudes who are hitting on every girl with a big ass to try and get them to go to the club at which they “bounce”.

…you are a bouncer that takes your job way too seriously. You “train” at the gym all day for your super important $10/hr job bouncing at the local club named after some state of matter or precipitation a la rain, ice, lava, liquid, snow, etc. etc. I realize this is your only sense of power in the cruel cruel world that the rest of us call reality. I must admit that the skin tight black spandex t-shirt, does however, make you cool. kudos on that.


jj said...

What about that asshole vice president or someother midlevel executive who talks on his phone while he's peeing in the urinal next to you? I hate you enough as it is. I hate you even more for standing that close to me. I hate you even more than that because you are pretending your life of pushing papers and holding senseless meetings and using phrases like "outside of the box" is SO fucking important that you have to "multitask" and pee and talk to some other asshole at the same time. I hate you. All of you.

Doofi said...

...I hate you if you do all of the above mentioned while wearing a headset phone...I really hate you.