Friday, September 23, 2005

Gleaming the I hate you

...You still do not understand the EZ pass lane. There are signs for about 3 miles before the toll that say EZ pass lane, they are colored pink and white, always have been. Yet somehow, this is such a foreign concept and so confusing to you that you have to try this lane out, well hell, there’s no one in this lane right? I’ll go here, look honey, all those other people are idiots....yes sir you’re really showing off now, backing up an entire lane, waiting to get your summons, you suck, I hate you.

...You are under 5 feet 4 inches tall and drive a monstrosity of a car, or tank rather. Love to see the suburban mommy driving round in that escalade or Land Rover. Don’t they drive land rovers in like Africa where there are no roads and people actually need 4-wheel drive? Aren’t you even more pleased with that purchase now that gas is about $3.50 a gallon? And why is it that people who own these tanks have no idea how to drive them or do they just think they own the road? I mean they’re worse than a UN diplomat driving those things…and that’s bad. Go back to the mini-van, I hate you.

...You have a car alarm. Has anyone ever come running when a car alarm goes off? Has this ever deterred anyone from actually stealing a car? When I hear a car alarm, I never, ever, ever, even think that a car is being stolen, all I think is that some asshole like you was dumb enough to buy one and even dumber to turn it on. I know nothing about cars or electronics and I can disable one in 10 seconds. You stupid, stupid, stupid person…

...You refer to anyone working in a position lower than you as “staff”. When you were first hired, the interns were staff, you got promoted, then everyone in your old position was staff, you were promoted to manager, everyone below you…staff. You’re a VP, oh yeah the managers are now staff. I hate to tell you but everyone is staff except for the senior executives/partners. Making yourself appear to be more important than you are is commonplace in corporate America, I guess because people have wasted years and years of their lives sitting in a 4X4 cube making someone else rich, the only thing they have to show for their sorry existence is their job and when their job sucks, they embellish as much as anyone will believe. What happens when the rich guys decide they need to be even richer and cut staff? Well now you’re the worst staff there is, the expensive staff. It’s more sad than anything, but no matter how tragic, I still hate you.

...You have ever asked a subordinate to do something and then call, email and IM every 5 minutes to ask if it’s done yet. You can’t seriously be that impatient, no sane person would expect someone to be able to concentrate with your annoying interruptions, so what’s your deal?

...You are fat and wear spandex. I know, I know, it’s sooooo cliché to say that, I neeever heard that before. But the more we make fun, the worse the situation gets. I say we pass a law that bans the manufacture, sale, importation, etc of all spandex products. The only people wearing spandex are the ones that shouldn’t, so why do we even sell or make them, it’s a crime against humanity.

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