Thursday, September 22, 2005

Have I told you lately that I hate you?

...You “brag” how much work you have and how late you worked. Are you a fool? Since when did working until 11 or later becoming a bragging point? Let’s compare shall we? Me, I left work at 530, I went to the gym, I ate dinner, went for a few drinks with some friends, came home, ate a PB&J, watched a little Conan, went to sleep. You, worked until 12:30 came home passed out from exhaustion, woke up 2 hours later twitching because you forgot to send that email. Yeah good for you sucker, keep bragging, I hate you.

...You came up with those verification words on websites and use a font that is barely legible. You are asking for verification for god knows what? Especially on this site to post a comment, what are you protecting? I need to use my little orphan annie decoder ring to write the simple comment…I agree. At least we’re not wasting technology, like blogging does.

...You work security at an airport and made me take off my flip flops when going through the metal detector. I wish I was making this up, I really do, but tragically it’s true. I would like to employ a mandatory common sense test to all airport personnel. Metal detector = take off rubber pseudo shoe. Forget that a flip flop is a quarter inch of rubber, how about that you can see my foot? Where would I be hiding something? I had to walk barefoot on the disgusting floor of a public airport. My feet will never be the same, I hate you.

...You laugh at your own bad jokes. Ok you’re not telling a funny story, it’s going no where, realize this and abort. Don’t drag it out to a point where it becomes painless to even look you in the eye. When you see people not laughing and then you start to laugh to encourage us to join in or to say hey, this is the funny part, you should know that you are not funny. And if you are really socially incompetent you don’t notice when someone is fake laughing just to be polite, from now on I’m issuing a fatwa on fake laughing, if I see you doing this, I’m so calling you out. If I feel compelled to be polite and fake laugh at your bad joke or story, I am simply going to give you a blank look instead and if you still don’t get it, I’m going to flat out tell you, that’s not funny in any way, shape or form, oh and did I mention that I hate you.

...You have used the word glib (in a legitimate sense) since Tom Cruise said this to Matt Lauer on the today show. I don’t know if I’m just noticing this more because I was making fun of Tom Cruise for using a word of the day or if people are actually so enthralled with this “new” word that they just have to use it now. Whatever it is, when you say it in a serious context post the Lauer incident, you sound stupid, you sound like your only source of “literature” is People magazine. Is this how you want people to view your intelligence? You are on par with a high school dropout that believes aliens are the savior. You should be proud.

...You drive around parking lots looking for that ultimate closer spot. Parking three spaces further away is just too far, I mean the 15 extra minutes you spend driving around in circles you could have been in the store and almost done. But seriously, we need people like you so people like me will park in the first open space they see and get on with our lives.

...You say you love sushi and then I take you out for sushi and you say I only eat California rolls. You’re living a lie, you don’t like sushi, you like the IDEA of eating sushi. You watch your sex and the city and see the four sluts eating at these trendy places and think, well if I say I eat sushi then it’s just like TV. No, it’s not. If you want to pretend you are on sex and the city, then go out and bang a bartender or some rich old dude, but please do me the favor and don’t tell me you like sushi. Which, btw I now hate because of people like you.

6 comments:

HateAndLoathing said...

. . .You have two bumper stickers on your lame, baby boomer, I’m-semi-successful-but-won’t-spend-the-money-on-a-real-car Saab convertible – 1 for the Grateful Dead, 1 for George W. Bush. You should be publicly whipped and beaten, in alternating 5-minute increments, until your painful death, by supporters of both. You do not deserve the rights of free speech that you simultaneously support and degrade, you pretentious a$$hole.

HateAndLoathing said...

. . . You have a George W. Bush on your car, period. Better yet, you have a bumper sticker with just "W" on it. Wow, that's very hip. You probably have it right next to your "MV" or "NAN" sticker. You are a douchebag with absolutely no worth to society. Be a Republican, I don't care - more power to you. But don't advertise your stupidity by choosing sides with the most vapid, empty-headed, culturally insensitive, economically ignorant, easily provoked, "gosh, I'm lucky my daddy was president" commander in chief that this country has ever seen. I hate you more than anyone in the world, and that's saying alot.

HateAndLoathing said...

. . . You are the same asshole with the Saab and the Dead/Bush stickers. You go to my gym, and whenever you come into the lounge area after your workout, which coincidentally is the same time I am trying to watch ESPN, you change the channel to SquawkBox. F.U. That's all I have to say. I don't even insist on ESPN, or even something more escapist like MTV's WakeUp show or whatever, but give me a break. Squawkbox? How about CNN? The Today Show? Something a little more middle of the road? The only thing worse would be C-SPAN, you middle-aged, number crunching accountant a-hole. I hope you slip on a banana peel and break your neck.

HateAndLoathing said...

. . . You go to my gym and use the public blowdryer to blow dry your balls and ass crack. Now me personally, I don't have much hair, but I'm feeling pretty bad for the next guy up on the old blowdryer. You are disgusting and should have the decency to at least bring your own blowdryer. What in the world ever gave you the idea that this sort of behavior is appropriate? We're trying to live in a society here, people.

Doofi said...

...I hate you if you are trying to trump me on my own blog. I also hate the VT circle bumper stickers. Is this to say hey everyone look at me i'm cool I go skiing in Vermont? Does this pass for cool now?

...I hate you if you even know what squakbox is. A bunch of professional gamblers talking about stock prices. That's entertainment, these guys have never given one rational piece of advice, it's some guy with big hair saying WOW look at IBM, it's down 5 points...WOW...I hate you.

...I hate you if you think I don't see the hypocrisy in my last statement.

jessie said...

I know how you feel about corporate idiots! you can't even take kids to the doctors without seeing these assholes from pharmacutical companies, who are just as pompous as stock brokers, small talking the secretaries like they're in a bar trying to get a piece of ass! They even have corporate "treats" for the kids! This one guy gave my son a lollipop with their corporate insignia on it! They're marketing to kids now? Is it laced with Ritalin? I took it from my son and threw it out and said we don't take candy from assholes. He spent the next few minutes till we were called back calling this guy an asshole. I don't condone such behavior normally but i felt this moron deserved it!