Monday, September 12, 2005

License to hate you

…you are middle age with children and talk to your twentysomething coworkers about how great little johnnie is at soccer. You know little johnnie is an asshole, this kid is great at soccer, baseball, has straight A’s, the little girl next door has a crush on him and he’s the best in choir practice. I hate little johnnie too.

…you reply to the common courtesy of “how are you?” with a 45 minute dissertation on your daily activities. Do you think people really care that you couldn’t sit down last night because your hemorrhoids were acting up? That’s the kind of information that should be revealed on a need to know basis. On a similar note, the TMI (too much information) has got to stop. I don’t need to know that you claim to have blown Keith Richards circa 1976. Where was that little inner voice? Did it say, hmm I work with this person, ok he needs to know about my oral sex habits…well actually I do, so that point is moot, but the other stuff I definitely don’t want to hear.

…you enter someone’s office (or cube) and see that they’re on the phone yet proceed with your conversation as if the phone was nonexistent. Of all the absurd and rude behavior this is THE most perplexing. Phone, ear, someone talking – yes this is a good time to ask that age old question of “what does that picture of the little disk in the upper left hand corner mean again”?

…you are Joe Lieberman.

…you offer advice to people when no one asked. No one cares what you have to say and if they did, they would ask. What makes your wisdom so much better than anyone else’s? Where were you when real advice was needed, like make sure to lock up your bike.

…you are the guy that stole my bike. So we know it wasn’t locked, my bad, but you took it from the bike storage room in my apartment building, then apparently sold it. Then to make matters worse, when I saw you riding it in Union Square and chased you for two blocks, the least you could have done was tell me to fuck off to acknowledge me, but instead I get nothing.

...you are the person that told my boss I left work at 3 last Friday. What the hell is wrong with you? You are obviously that person from high school that told the teacher "oh, you forgot to give us homework" when will you realize that this is not the kind of ass kissing that gets you ahead in life, it's typically the kind that makes you a victim. (Disclaimer to Big Brother: I do not seriously intend to inflict harm upon anyone).

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