Thursday, September 29, 2005

This will hurt me more than it hates you

...You ask the omnipresent question at work…are we having fun yet? What does this mean and why do you continue to say it? Can you think of nothing better to day? Are you being ironic? Oh, well, that IS funny, I get it, you mean you really are NOT having fun, so now you are asking if we are? Wow, how did you come up with that? And how do you continue to come up with that same “joke”, day after day after day? I mean after the first 25 times heard it, I was still thinking, how does she do it, how does she continue to come up with such fresh material like that? I tell you, this place is insaaaanity, the constant humor just really keeps you going. Oh and that one when you ask if it’s cold enough for me, oh wow, I’m really looking forward to the winter, just to hear that joke, it’s THAT good, I mean I’m still laughing about the is it hot enough for you joke, I’ve retold that one countless times.

...You walk around the office barefoot or in socks. Feet are a precarious subject, you really don’t know what you are going to get. You might have odor problems, you might toe nail problems, hairy feet, stumpy feet, missing toes, yellow toes. Whatever the foot, there is always something wrong with it. Feet are gross, they are utilitarian, these people with the foot fetish, I don’t get you either, but to stay centered here, leave the shoes on in the office. Have some dignity man, some self respect, some simple consideration for others.

...You don’t say thank you when I hold the door for you. This is a common courtesy, I do something nice for you, you reply with a simple thank you. I realize that you are special and deserve to have doors held for you, you should expect it, it would be rude if someone didn’t, so naturally why should you thank them. You want to know why? Because the next time I see you, I’m going shut the door in your face, then hold it shut so you can’t open it, then I’ll laugh and laugh, maybe I’ll even point, all because I hate you.

...You are a consultant of some kind and as soon as someone raises and issue or question, your first reaction is to ask “who do I bill?” Can you please have some tact in doing business? We all know that “consultants” were created in a CIA lab in 1973 to bill people for doing nothing, but do you have to be so obvious? I know you work to make money, I get that, but how about a ‘no problem’, or maybe a follow up question for clarification? No, straight to the fees. You’ve become everything you said you would never become back when you were 19 and pulling from the 3 footer. What happened to you man…you changed….i hate you…

...You have ever sent spam email. Your world is full of small penises and mortgage refinancing, I’m not sure how email has been reduced to this, what went wrong? Does anyone ever fall for your longevity potions or debt reduction gimmicks? I hate the people that actually respond to these emails even more. Don’t you get it? you are giving purpose to a pointless sector of our economy. For anyone with a small penis, there is nothing you can do man, I’m sorry, get an operation if you must, but don’t support the spammers, it can’t be THAT small. And to the homeowners, try legitimate banks for your loans if they have solicit via email, probably not legit….did I just write “via”? What have I become?…and you have no long lost relative that just died and now you don’t stand to inherit millions of dollars…

...You are sending a fax, you have the wrong number, you hear loud obnoxious sounds (i.e.BEEP BEEP), then walk away. Oh and you do this right outside my office mind you. As pleasing to the ear as that beeping sound may be, I prefer that it go away. When you dial a phone number and it find out it doesn’t work, do you put the phone down and walk away? NO you hang it up, a fax machine works the same way, you see that big red button that says “stop”? well you guessed it, that stops the call and all that noise. And what is your deal with sending faxes? Why does it never, ever work for you? After 30 years have you not learned that you also have to dial ‘9’ to get out of the office or ‘011’ to dial international? Is this such a complicated process that you need trial and error everytime you go attempt to send a fax, which is 10 times a day? Here’s a fax….I HATE YOU.

2 comments:

cleverabuse said...

i really enjoy yours too. can you do me a favor, im not real computer literate. i signed up with stat counter but dont know how to install it with blogger. could you tell me what to do. i would appreciate it. just post it as a comment

jessie said...

I hate spammers too. Even with my spam settings set to high i still get the shit!
As far as feet go. I hate feet! I will not walk around any place in my house without at least socks on. Feet are gross and smelly and funky and just plain ugly. These assholes who think they have pretty feet need smacked, kicked and beated. Just the thought makes me cringe!