Monday, October 24, 2005

The Cider House Hate

...You are at my apartment for a social gathering and you make a comment about a certain song in one of my workout playlists on itunes. I’m not going to mention the song, it is actually a little embarrassing to have had that song on a workout playlist, but I can do whatever the hell I want, its my music. And why were you snooping around my playlists anyway? You’re lucky you even had the chance to change the music, especially since I don’t know who you are. That’s the same thing as looking in my medicine cabinet, did you do that too you little shit? I hate you.

...You are a man filling out a form and get confused at the section that asks your maiden name. You speak English fluently, you appear to be literate since you are reading this form, but in your 36 years of existence you’ve never come across the word “maiden”? oh you have, why would you ask me if you need to complete that? first of all, I don’t know you or who you are or why you’d ask me, but you did and now you’re hated.

...You use cologne instead of showering. In America, we shower daily, actually twice a day is more like it. We like to waste as much water as possible and for good reason. We don’t have to bathe only once a week anymore, technology has made some real breakthroughs actually the whole indoor plumbing was like 100 years ago why have you still not come around? How does your cologne actually gain strength as the day goes on? Do you think that’s a better smell than your B.O.? that’s a really tough call perhaps the combination creates some type of toxic fume. Then there’s the varsity version of the uber stank, it’s the gym cologne wearer, dude you’re at the gym the one place in the world where its okay to smell, but you’ve decided to make it just another place for me to hate you.

...You see several buttons pushed in an elevator and make the comment “we must be on the local”. I just have one word for you…wow. You are so clever. What an observation, you took one mode of transportation and used it as an analogy for another, I tell you, you must be a writer with that kind of wit. Your use of the English language is mind bloggling, I’m blown away. I mean the originality that went into that. You must have never heard that before or taken it from someone else, its THAT good. You see your sense of humor is the more warm and fuzzy, unicorns and rainbows, pie in the face type, you have no idea that I’m being sarcastic and that I actually hate you.

...You don’t understand that if you are talking to me and I’m just smiling and nodding, I really have no interest in speaking to you. If you have not caught on to the formality of the smile and nod, let me fill you in. You are having a dreadful conversation with the most banal of people (meaning you), yet you must, for the sake of society, pretend as though this person is speaking something of interest, so you smile and nod. This is the universal sign that you are not funny, not interesting and not informative, therefore you must stop speaking before I hate you.

...You are ugly and trying to make it as an actress. I’m sorry it’s cruel cruel world, but at some point in your life you are going to have to face reality, ugly women don’t become actresses. There may the off need for a Kathy Bates type, maybe some extras, but seriously, you’re not going to make it, not even in live theater. You may want to consider teaching high school drama, then in 20 years you can lie to the students about your glory days when you were a dancer on Broadway, those kids will never be the wiser, but never fear they will hate you too.

...You are the computer guy that stops by my office everyday to ask if everything is working all right for me. Not only do you cause awkward conversation on a daily basis, not only do you literally speak in HTML, but then you send an email out saying if I have questions or problems I need to go through the help desk instead of going straight to you. So you ask me everyday if I need any help, on occasion I may actually need something so I ask, but apparently you don’t want me to ask you directly, so why the hell do you ask me everyday? Hello helpdesk? I have a problem, I need you to keep me from hating you.


jessie said...

i hate people who snoop around, it's plain rude! people who don't shower are just gross. the computer guy, well it's pitiful but the more pathetic ones are the ones who aren't any sort of employed computer person whom feels the need to speak computer lingo in normal conversation. now that's down right pathetic and nerdy!

elvira black said...

I hate when there's an ugly unshowered "actress" with bad cologne on a crowded local elevator that gets stuck and then she talks your ear off and you have to nod and smile even though she's boring you to death with stories about her latest date with the computer nerd in your office who stops by every day and asks if everything is working ok.

Doofi said...

I just spent a week having to nod and smile, nod and smile...oh it's the worst, my face is actually sore from it.