Thursday, October 13, 2005

Eternal Hate of the Spotless Mind

...You see leftovers from a meeting in the conference room and you attack it like it’s your last meal. You are such a savage. Not only are you gluttonous beast at work, you’re a cheap one too, actually wrapping up the food to take home? Oh the humanity, I pray to the good lord above that you are not feeding that to hungry children at home. The congealed grease that covers everything is repellant, just like you.

...You eat chicken while using mass transportation. You have no idea how much it pains me to see some slob gnawing on a chicken bone while riding the subway or bus. In fact, I’d like to place a ban on ALL public eating. It’s always the people that don’t need to be eating and eat the nastiest, like grease all over their face and hands, lips smacking together making all kinds of chewing noises, they don’t even swallow the food in their mouth before they’re taking the next bite, oh you’ve seen them and you’ve hated them.

...You were shocked when Kate Moss got busted for cocaine. First, you can’t be that stupid, no one aside from a hipster doofus can be that skinny without using the burny. Second, why does anyone care? She’s a model, her lot in life is to wear clothes, that’s it. No one looks to her for anything other than being skinny, having a gaunt face and smoking cigarettes. Your lot in life, on the other hand, is to be hated.

...You still don’t have voicemail or an answering machine of some kind. It’s 2005 right? yeah I think it is, get "on board" and pay the $5 it costs for an answering machine. In fact you have only two years left of answering machines, it’s all voicemail “going forward”. Get your ass out there and get yourself voicemail so you can get your first message that I hate you.

...You are so fat that you take up an entire aisle in Duane Reade and then you refuse to move out of the way when people try to get by. Hey Jo Jo, yeah you, Jo Jo the Whale, move that thing out of the way so we can get by, oh that thing is your ass? Well I don’t apologize, I hate, and right now I’m hating you.

...You slurp your food while you eat in the office. Your life is so pathetic that you sit in your cube and scarf down your food in 2.2 seconds all while making as much noise as possible. Why should the rest of us be penalized for your disgusting eating habits. I’m sitting here busy at work writing about how much I hate you and I get disturbed by the sound of your fat lips smacking together, who makes noise like this when they’re eating? Honestly! Some days I wonder if it’s even a human over there eating, since I hate non humans would I hate you?

...You are still saying fo shizzle my nizzle. I’m sorry but if it shows up in a car commercial with Lee Iacocca, it’s officially over. Yo yo word up homes, dat was da bomb diggedy, yo fo shizzle my nizzle….yeah that is all sooooo done, it’s been done since about 95 I don’t know how any of that’s still around and once YOU start using it, yeahhh, not so much cool as it is sad. Yo hizzle thizzle. Translation: I hate you.

12 comments:

jj said...

I hate the mid-level executive person even more who comes running through the office to announce that there is leftover food after a meeting. As if that is some kind of compensation instead of a bonus. And then I admit, I hate myself for sometimes being one of the hawks, eating the leftovers, and realizing that I'm doing this to save money because my job pays THAT little. I hate everyone then, including myself.

Doofi said...

i hate you if you still eat the free bagels given out every friday even though you've been eating them every single friday for the past 12 years. I hate bagels on friday, i hate bagels every day actually, because of you. I hate cream cheese, i hate butter, i hate anything that you would even consider putting on a bagel. I hate donuts because they kind of look like a bagel. I hate bagel stores, i hate bagel ovens, i hate people that make bagels, i hate those bagel slicer contraptions that don't really work, i hate the letters B-A-G-E-L.

jessie said...

OMG you didn't bring up bad eating habits! the thought makes me not want to eat! gross! my kids are the grossest little people you'd ever want to see. i guess thats kids though but my grandmother, she's utter disgust. she smacks her lips, sucks her teeth, chews with her mouth open and breathes heavily while doing so. god old people are just as nasty as kids!

Doofi said...

i could go on for days and days on eating...I've removed foods entirely from my diet for the sole reason that they remind of a nasty eater i've encountered.

Bettina said...

Oh Mother, I love America. What a Motley crew of people you are. If you're not morbidly obese, you're in therapy. If you cant afford therapy, you're homeless. If you're homeless, you usually dont have teeth, and eat stale bagels like an animal. I admit I'm addicted to watching the fat people of america in the Biggest Loser. I am trying to organise a corporate version of this. Nothing sexier than fat middle aged men and women with cheap suits and bad hair sweat and get emotional about being "thin" again, like in college. God bless America!

Doofi said...

Do you have the celebrity fit club down unda? nothing beats washed up actors and actresses trying to make a "come back" by going on a televised diet. The best part is the giant scale they all have to stand on together...oh what good times, they're keeping America proud.

Suburban Woman said...

"....You are still saying fo shizzle my nizzle.".
That's too funny! I said something similar like that to my 15 year son, just to be funny, and he said, "Mom, please stop. My ears are bleeding.".
I am so not hip.

Bettina said...

What is this celebrity fit club?
Shouldnt it be celebrity fat club? Tell me these so called celebrities havent already tried taking speed and various eating disorders before. God, can someone nominate Oprah to go on this. Now I have to download this program, unless someone wants to tape if for me? I hate you if you dont.

Doofi said...

i hate you if didn't do a search for celebrity fit club.

http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/celebrity_fit_club_2/92340/episode.jhtml

Bettina said...

You hate me for not being pro-active, showing initiative, creating efficiencies? I hate you.

Doofi said...

I hate you for not thinking outside the box and not "taking ownership"

Bettina said...

I'm not taking ownership because I wont be able to gain traction in your hateful patch. We need more clarity around the issue. I hate you.