Sunday, October 16, 2005

Extreme Hate: Weekend Edition

...You are the blonde guy that was sashaying through the bar Saturday. Ok so you are a younger version of the blonde guy from the Queer Eye show, but how on earth can you be more gay? You really freaked me out, it took at least 2 minutes of staring to figure out that you were indeed male and not female. I think that's your hook, you prance around looking like a woman, with your shirt half open, every guy in the bar had to stare for 2 minutes to figure out if you were a girl, then you make your creepy eye contact and sashay your way over. There is only one thing that freaks me out more than you and that's waking up to the King. Although I can definately appreciate your creep factor, I still must hate you.

...You are an overly excited waitress in a restaurant. Alright face the facts, the acting career, not going so well, but you don't have to act while you're bringing me food. Now I'm not saying I want you to sulk and complain and be a snot because you're serving some obnoxious over privelaged, overpaid individual as myself, but let's keep it to a sensible tone. It's as if you had vaseline on your teeth keeping you from being able to close your mouth. This isn't "Fridays" you don't have to orgasm while explaining the artichoke dip. For an appetizer I'll have some dislike and for an entree, I'll hate you.

...You work in the ski shop and were hawking me the entire time I was there. It's as though I was your prey and you were hunting the most dangerous of game. What's your purpose anyway, you ask if I need any help, um yeah this whole shopping thing is tough, but I think by 28 I've got the process pretty nailed down. Do I need any help with that? Uh, well I'm a complete idiot, I'm looking for a medium, but I just can't figure this system out, the tags have these letters on them, I'm not sure what this whole S, M, L, XL means. In fact, yes I do need some help, can you help me not hate you?

...You tell me I can't get a side salad instead of fries. I order a chicken salad sandwich from the diner, it comes with fries, then I, taking this whole health food kick a little too far, ask for salad instead, you say no I can't do that. What? You can't replace fries with a salad? I don't understand, you can charge me more for lettuce if you want, why is this so complicated? Do the fries come shrinkwrapped with chicken salad before they're prepared? Well my order comes shrinkwrapped with hate for you.

...You call people any of the following: Guy, Chief, Boss, Big Guy, Tough Guy, etc. I know who you are, you're the same guy that's playing a pickup game of co-ed vollyball at the beach and get's into I was all state high school running back mode. Guy, that was 15 years ago, you're 50lbs heavier, slow, out of shape and suck at volleyball, your time would be better spent trying to get me to not hate you.


Bettina said...

Vaseline? HAAAAA

Too good.

jessie said...

too funny. my husband is petrified of anyone gay. it's soooo funny when one is around while we are out. i really can't stand the over happy waitresses either, no one is truely THAT happy working in a diner. They must have given out prozac that shift.

Doofi said...

or petroleum jelly, whichever you prefer.

Doofi said...

Apparently I wasn't too creeped out by the sashayer. I've just learned that in my drunkeness I had a sashay off with the blonde guy and lo and behold I won. A little tip, 7 wiskeys are 6 too many.