Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Hate your enthusiasm

...You work at starbucks and don’t know what I mean even when I order a grande. I’ve already described hating you for not understanding how the rest of the world sizes cups, but if I stoop to your lingo and actually use the Grande vernacular, it should be understood that unless otherwise stated, that means coffee. And I refuse to order a grande drip, it's coffee not some kind of STD. Coffee, (not "drip") is the backbone of your establishment, you’re bread and butter if you will, now all you can do is survive on my hate.

...You are a cougar. Cougar defined: You are a woman, 35 or older, you frequent dive bars in hick towns in search of younger men, if not boys. You excel at bar “sports” such as pool, darts and photohunt. You often tuck your jeans into your cowboy boots and wear large oversized belts. You have rinsed out blonde hair, with about 6 inches of roots showing (don’t ask me why I notice that, I just do). Your favorite drinks are “shooters” and Malibu bay breeze, you get very loud to attract attention to yourself and can talk more football than John Madden. You go home with the first guy that buys you a drink and doesn’t hate you as much as I do.

...You actually expect me to get any work done while at work. Can’t you see me typing here? Can you not see that I’m extremely busy, busy blogging about how much I hate you?

...You pronounce words that end in ‘er’ with an ‘a’ instead. Example, my favorite restaurant is sizzla, well no it’s sizzlER and the fact that you have actually been to one and refer to it as your favorite makes me hate you more than you calling it sizzla. I hate you even more if you do the inverse of this, for instance, you are at lunch and you want a tuner fish sandwich. What the hell is wrong with you? why are you adding letters to words? I have a couple letters for you to add, how about Hate and U?

...You run a charity 5k and take it way too seriously. Buddy, it’s a 3.5 mile fun run, I realize this is intense but mowing over 10 yr olds and old ladies walking? And those huffs when you get stuck behind a slow person, yeah that makes sense. If you are trying to compete in a charity run, then you are not a serious runner and should be embarrassed to be wearing those little short shorts. So unnecessary btw, unless you are a serious competitor in a marathon, those little short shorts should not be sold to you, the world doesn’t need to see that pale white bony ass because they already hate you.

...You ask me a question at work, I give you the answer, the correct answer mind you, then you go ask the person in the cube right next to me the same question. Um hello, I can still hear you. You obviously don’t trust me or I didn’t give you the answer you wanted, even it is was correct, but then you go to the person directly next to me and ask the same thing knowing that I can hear you. Hey how do I do this? Well it starts with a little bit of hate, hate for you.

...You keep asking me to send you a link to this blog. Seriously as much as I like the support, that's really annoying. It's not exactly a complicated title, you know what it's about, I've been dropping the I hate you if's for years and you know it's a blog, so all you need to remember is the word spot. It's called your favorites, now add it because I hate you.


Bettina said...

I'm about to ask you a question, and I scoot over on my chair, creating a whirlwind of sound. You're looking at figurines on ebay, and you alt-tab, thinking I cant see, didnt see, or wont see. But it's too late, I see, I saw. You're a slack mofo and we all know. At least when I'm sitting there reading a blog about hate, I dont pretend to be doing "work". I admit that I might paste the data into an email and send it to myself, to then read it in my outbox, but that's different. But you pretending to work just ups the ante. We all have to start pretending to do work, and then someone has to spoil the paranoia and start working. The cultural transformation bullcrap they peddle should have a Game Theory component. If we stick together and do nothing, we can all be happy doing nothing together. We might even have "fun". But no, you have to pretend to work. Now we're all stuffed...you're stuffed...I hate you.

Doofi said...

I hate you if you refer to work as fun without using quotes as in "fun". since when did any kind of work become fun? Fun to me is sitting at the beach all day, but still getting paid. taking three months paid leave to go bum around south america, that's fun. sitting in an office with no windows and annoying people like you? that's call hell, not fun.