Monday, October 10, 2005

The Hatred of the Travelling Pants

...You have old lady smell. I think when old ladies hit 75, they receive government issued old lady perfume, maximum strength. You know exactly who I’m talking about, she’s not your Nana, she’s your Nana’s friend or maybe Nana’s sister, a distant relative, a crazy old person that’s so lonely she just shows up at every family event without being invited, whoever she is, she wears THE strongest and THE most foul smelling fragrance called Le Stink. The worst part is that it not only smells bad in her presence, but the odor stays with you, it get’s into your clothes and your hair. On the way home the smell detaches to your car’s upholstery, it gets into the seams and burrows, you don’t notice it right away, but it’s there, lurking where it will remain for days, weeks even. You get home, throw your clothes in the hamper, shower with disinfectant that says in large print AVOID CONTACT WITH SKIN, but you know it’s the only thing that will work. The next morning you go to your closet, the smell moved from your hamper to all your clothes, you get to work people are you looking at you life your having an affair with the little old lady receptionist, you get fired for carrying on office romances, all this, all of this, because some crazy old lately had to pinch your cheek and give you a hug….to the old lady smell ladies, I hate you.

...You swipe your subway card and it says insufficient funds, you swipe again – insufficient funds, you then proceed to swipe another 8 to 11 times all with a response of insufficient funds. After the 10th time a line of 20 people has formed all yelling at you that you need to add money to your card. You continue to ignore the angry mob until one of the big brother bag checkers has to intervene to say – insufficient funds.

...You almost hit me when I was crossing the street, in a cross walk, with a walk sign. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re Asian. I mean I never heard any stereotype about Asian drivers and frankly they must be unfounded. I guess the whole symbol of a person walking and the crosswalk, not to mention that an actual HUMAN BEING was standing in front of you, I guess these things slipped your mind when you decided to make that left hand turn which now requires me to hate you.

5 comments:

jessie said...

i cannot stand the smell of old lady's perfume. it must be some cheap knock-off brand cause i have never smelled such a stench from good quality ones. OR MAYBE, FDS! yuk!!!!

Nikky Egland said...

Yucky yucky, old lady smell. My nana wears a cinnamonny smell perfume, i love it, but i do know what youre talking about... also i did get knicked by a car during a walk sign, a girl who was trying to turn right, then she yelled at ME!!! how dare she! i stopped in the middle of the walk and yelled, hey do you have a problem reading signs bitch? and she zoomed off

jj said...

...god i hate that smell. Could it be worse than subway hobo smell? At least the latter seem to have an excuse. I think it is the companies that make all of the products you must use when you get old....bengay, V-O Five/Hairnet, deep heat, etc...as if getting old doesn't suck enough, now you have to pickle yourself in stank and feel even worse...Maybe dementia isn't a bad thing after all....

I also hate bikers when walking across the street. You must obey all of the driving rules, including stopping for lights and giving way to us pedestrians. Fuck you if you have to stop short and fly off your bike...this was MY time to go, not yours. i hate you.

Doofi said...

I'd like to make it clear on this one old lady smell in particular, it literally stays on your clothes, in your hair, in your car, etc for days. no one knows who she is either, she just shows up at family events. She must have a tap on our phones, the smell is itself an entity.

Anonymous said...

You are so fucking hilarious. I think you have a book here. seriously.