Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Son, You can't handle the Hate

...You broadcast a news report telling people they will die unless they stay tuned. What’s with these local news reports, you get the tagline: Is someone trying to murder your children? Stay tuned at 11. Is the planet doomed for imminent destruction? Only channel 3 has the story, but first the weather….We all know you are pointless, don’t make up these stupid stories because people would rather watch Seinfeld reruns that they’ve seen 67 times rather than watch your irrelevant story about the latest bird flu that people catch when they have sex with chickens. Do I hate you? We’ll let you know after the game.

...You are the MTA. So I go up to Bridgeport last night for a concert (Hot hot heat, weezer, foo fighters – great show) and I need to get on a train back to the city. I go to get my ticket at the machine, but for some unknown reason the ticket machine was on lockdown inside the station. OK, I’ll buy it on the train, but of course it costs about $6 more on the train. So let me get this straight, I’m supposed to buy my ticket in advance at the station or get penalized by paying more on the train, all right seems fair enough. So let me get this straight, I’m supposed to buy my ticket in advance at the non existent ticket window or the ticket machine that is locked down inside the station or get penalized by paying more on the train, uh, yeah that is the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard, how about you put a ticket machine on the fucking platform? The best thing is that this, every single station on the new haven line has a ticket machine on the platform, except Bridgeport. You better believe I’m writing a letter a day for a month to the MTA simply stating…I hate you.

...Your name is Richard, yet you prefer to be called Dick. At what point in your life do you say to yourself, you know my name is Richard, but I prefer to be Dick. Do you have to actually be a dick to be called Dick? Are you so oblivious to the world around you that you don’t understand you are calling yourself a penis? How did that morph from Richard anyway, so you shorten it to Rich, then someone someday has a speech impediment and Rich becomes Rick, but where did the R become a D? Why are there no women called pussy? Imagine if some woman decided one day, Hi my name is Stephanie but everyone calls me vagina for short.

...You see half a panini next to a whole one, you point the half and ask, is that the half panini? Are you retarded? Were you really that perplexed by two different choices, one appearing to be rather full in size, the other being approximately 50% of the first or what we in the rest of the known world typically refer to as HALF. Get the hell out of here, you don’t deserve to eat today.

...you are offended by me asking in a sarcastic tone, are you retarded? So we don't refer to people that are actually retarded as being retarded, fine, ok, but someone's got to be retarded and i'm afraid that is you.

4 comments:

jessie said...

i bought my ex a tshirt when we broke up and mailed it to him anonomously, it said my parents said i could be anything i wanted to be so i decided to become an asshole. i think this applies to the dick situation as well.

Bettina said...

I'm the one that calls everyone retarded. I hate the dick at work. I hate the train. At least the company arent called "connex". Connecting who? Me with people who insist on angling their head to get their finger deeper up their nose? Homicide and suicide? Morbidly obese snorers? Skater/raver/body odor men at night, drinking bourbon out of a gatorade bottle and dancing? This is my blog. I saw hot hot heat 2 weeks ago. Are you me? I hate you.

Bettina said...

I hate people who agree. I hate you. I hate you a lot.

Doofi said...

i hate you if you sit next to me on the train and tell me my headphones are too loud. who the hell are you? i didn't ask you to stop drooling on me when you were sleeping, next time you pass out, i'm putting my headphones on you, and blasting my new favorite song...All you need is hate, hate, hate, hate is all you need.