Monday, October 17, 2005

Stella was a hater and she's always down

...You respond to an evite and feel the need to make up an excuse. This is the easiest way to get out of going to something, all you have to do is click a box that says no. Excuses are not required, yet everyone feels the need to explain why they can't go. You’ve ruined it for the rest of us who simply reply with a no, so here’s my new excuse. Sorry I can’t make it, your parties are lame, I have better plans and I hate you.

...You try to send a fax to my phone. So maybe you dialed the wrong number once, but there is no reason to come back from lunch and have 37 messages ehhhh errrrr. When you sent that fax the first time and heard my voicemail come up, why would you continue? Shouldn’t that trigger something in your tiny brain that you did something wrong? Is this your first sending of a fax, hmm, it is? They’ve only existed for 30 years or so.

...You spell the name Greg with two g’s as in Gregg. You see there is one G at the end of that name people, one G. I mean if my name was Greg, which it’s not, but if it was, that would really annoy me. Especially when someone has the email address and they are sending me, I mean him, an email, they type the email address correctly with one G, yet somehow can’t deduce that the name that owns that email address might be the same. That’s just flat out rude, take the time to learn who you are talking to, have some manners. You’re new Indian name is Hated By Greg, I mean me.

...You use phrases like this: version 2.1. Since when did numbering things become so complicated? You have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and so on. Now you start in with the 1.2,1.3,1.4, 2.0, 2.1, 3.0 and so on. How do you know when to make the switch to a new whole number, should it be v.2.4 or should we go to v.3.0? who makes that decision? Is there some kind of board meeting, with at least 10 executives, expensive lunch served, they sit around debating the importance of sticking with the 2’s while that one rogue wisecracking executive, just to be difficult, decides he wants to move on to v.3.0. But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter, either one you choose, I’m still going to hate you.

...You wear clothes that don’t fit you. You have your two basic offenders. You have your hip hop guys that feel the need to wear XXXXXL t-shirts, I’m so not joking but the shirts literally go past their knees, honestly, I don’t think they’re wearing pants under there, they wear a kind of 21st century leg warmer made of jean. I guess they’ve taken the 80’s thing a little too far, I’m just waiting to see someone wearing a big belt around that tee. And then you have your other offender, your hipster. You know the type, kind of androgynous, malnourished, pale white skin, always has a 2 day old beard, wears clothes at least 2 sizes too small. I guess the point is to show off their lack of muscle and skeletor frame. You ever run into a hipster at sunrise after they’ve stayed out all night? You can see them scurry to avoid any contact with the sun, they’re like the chain smoking human form of cockroaches and we all hate cockroaches, just like you.

5 comments:

jessie said...

i hate the losers who wear their jeans 5x larger than necessary so that they hang to their knees and everyone has to see their nasty, skidmarked boxers hanging out. notice you never see these guys running very often?

Doofi said...

thank you for putting the image of skid marked boxers in my mind, especially now that i'm eating lunch...well played.

jessie said...

welcome! lol!

Anonymous said...

With regards to the version numbers, the first number indicates a major change, the second a minor change, the third is a small bug fix. Sorry, its worth hating, but it's necessary.

PS - May your bowels cramp painfully during coitus.

Doofi said...

I would like to thank anonymous for putting the thought of painful cramping during coitus into my head. I'm sure my lady friend would much appreciate that.