Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Talented Mr. Hate

...You are a client, you call and leave a message, then follow up with an email, then call back in 30 minutes and then again in an hour and then in the afternoon at which point you mention that you are a lawyer. Um so you being a “lawyer” means that you can call every 15 minutes, leaving obnoxious messages asking for what? Oh you didn’t get the last page of my fax, oh boo fucking hoo. Your being a lawyer has zero effect on how I’m going to do business, it actually hurts your standing with me, I was going to call you back, but now…oh, now you go into the abyss that is my hate for you.

...You make sounds of pleasure comparable to that of sexual satisfaction while eating. Lady, it’s food, I don’t care how good the food is, it will never, ever, ever compare to sex and your innuendo or whatever your intention, is completely unfounded. I realize that it’s been over 15 years for you, but keep your little cat calls for your “me time” and keep it out of the office. I have a gift for that might help you keep that behavior at home, it’s called my hate for you.

...You insist on having “tea parties” at work. Let us clear up a couple of issues here shall we. This is work, a place of “business”, one might even say a professional environment. Now I’m not really big into keeping things professional, but the point is, I’m not here to be friends with you, I’m not here to chat it up with middle aged, pretentious office assistants (not that I have anything against assistants, just annoying ones), I’m not here or anywhere to drink “tea” and pastry, I’m here to do one thing and one thing only, blog about hating you.

...You ask me if this is a line, when I’m clearly standing in a line. Who are these people that see a line but then feel the need to confirm this with you? Is this a line? Why would I be standing here if it wasn’t? what group of 8 to 10 people independently decide to stand in a formation that represents a line, but in fact is not one. Please sir, go ahead of all these people here, we’re not waiting in line, we are practicing our people formation with the final outcome spelling I hate you.

...You interrupt my thought process when I’ve just come up with a great I hate you and now I’ve forgotten it. You can obviously see I’m at my computer, typing, yet you still feel it is quite all right to interrupt me, interrupt me and you get one response, I hate you.

...You refer to your favorite sports team as “we”. I’m sorry I must have missed the draft you entered 8 years ago. I also must have missed that pretty impressive story how you, having never played the sport in your life, were somehow drafted to play a professional sport. I would have guessed that to be big news, but maybe not, somehow that slipped by. Get it straight you never signed a contract with “your” team, you don’t play for them, but you do play for a new team, hated by me.

...You refer or address people on an email as Team. You don’t know the people, you’ve never worked with them, you are a techie that is trying to set up a server, we are not on a team. Do you need that sense of affiliation? This is right up there with the corporate speak, some idiot decided, hey let’s teach kids in Management 101 that whenever they work with someone, they should be called a team, that way they all feel like they are equally contributing to the business. Well sorry techie, the only Team you’re on is the team of people hated by me.


jessie said...

i can't stand people who make stupid martha stewart noises when they eat, they must think they are eally something else when they do that. the sports fanatics who dress up like the team mascot should be added to the list of the hated also! they're complete idiots.
i thought tea parties were something only little girls did!

Doofi said...

little girls and 48 yr old divorcees that live with 8 cats have tea parties.