Monday, November 14, 2005

10 Things I Hate About You

...You are about to cross the street and a car runs through the red light during the walk sign and you throw up your arms and make a face of outrage. Yeah that’s it, that will reverse time and make the car go backwards through the light so you can cross. This also happens when you are driving and someone cuts you off, you throw up your arms in outrage or when someone in front of you is going too slow and you sit there stewing over it. If I see that in the rearview mirror, I then go even slower, if you try to pass me, I’ll move over just as you do, and then back again, you can’t win because I hate you.

...You are my cousin that doesn’t shut the hell up. I go up to CT for one of 1000 family events and I’m careful to avoid talking to a certain cousin the entire time, then just as I’m getting ready to leave, I get cornered and lectured for over 3 hours. Everyone’s gone at this point, they’ve all gone to bed, I’m standing there with my keys in hand ready to leave, it was 3 hours before there was even a pause in the conversation for me to say, all right then I gotta get going now. It was torture. We really need some new laws on torture because it’s not right to hate your cousin.

...You come up to me in the Union Square subway station and ask my thoughts on men’s fragrances. Was it necessary to come right up to my face, ask me to take my headphones off as though you had some important information or were possible in some kind of trouble, not that I would help you anyway, but then ask “if you were a men’s fragrance, what would you be called?”. Yes thank you for making me stop for that. Then you got mad and starting shouting at me making a scene when I said I don’t have time for this and started walking away. It’s a good thing I told you I hate you, otherwise that commotion would have been for naught.

...You ask me if I have read the Da Vinci code. That is sooooo 2003, who hasn’t read it by now? And if you haven’t yet, don’t, because honestly it’s not that good. I’ll give away the obvious ending right now, the cripple did it. and while I’m at, in angels and demons, which is slightly better, there is no way he can survive jumping out of a helicopter 5000 feet into the air, and yes the pope’s right hand man did it, I don’t remember his name because I read that like 5 years ago, hello people these are old. I can’t wait for his next book where the “guy you least expect” is actually the one that commits the crime. Try a new idea Dan Brown. I hope you hate me now, because I hate you.

...You set up a conference call or meeting between the hours of 12 and 2:30. PEOPLE, this is obviously lunch hour, please do not bother me at this time. And yes that’s right, 2.5 hours for lunch. I’ve got a lot of things to get done during the day, I need to take a walk to get away from you, I need to get some lunch which will inspire at least 3 hates, I need to read some other nonsensical blogs, usually about some 20 something girl complaining she doesn’t get enough sex, then I think to myself, how can that be? And then I hate.

...You wear sweatpants that say juicy on the ass and your ass is far too juicy. There’s not much I can say here, everyone loves a juicy ass, but when I can see dimples through your juicy pants, you’ve gone too far and have officially become hated by me.

...You call me out on a lie I told when I was drunk and hitting on you. Ok, so I’m really not good at playing guitar, but I honestly never thought you’d ever be in my apartment. I don’t really have a trust fund and do actually have a job that I have to show up to, but I don’t actually do any work there, so that’s not entirely a lie, I just get paid to hang out, tell some jokes, keep the peeps laughing, and to blog about hating you of course.

...You think I will actually hate on 10 things because of the title. Um, yeah just a title. You also think I've jumped the shark for using a title that already had hate in it. I've got news for you, hate blogging jumped on day one when someone actually read this blog. So in the future look for hate blogging to have a wedding, add a new character named Oliver, have a guest appearance by Jefferson from married with children, and have a big 2 part vacation episode to either Europe or Hawaii where we'll hate for an entire hour.

3 comments:

jessie said...

i have an aunt like your cousin!

Anonymous said...

Excuse the unoriginality in the format...

I hate you if when I leave my wallet on my desk at work you feel the need to lecture me on why I shouldn't, joke that I left the money for you, or hide it to teach me a lesson. Everyone takes drug tests here, signs code of ethics books, is recorded by the SEC and you're telling me I should worry about the 46 dollars in my wallet?! Congratulations...I used to trust you, now I just hate you.

Doofi said...

I have an entire immediate and extended family like my cousin. they could be a blog in and of themselves. I should call it

youcan'tpossiblybemoreannoyingthanthis.com

I hate you if you use a wallet or actually even own a wallet.