Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Everybody Hate Chung Tonight

...You are the people that live in the apartment above me and feel the need to move furniture and vacuum and clean only at 1:30 in the morning. Who cleans their apartment at such ungodly hours? And why is it at least 3 days a week? I know it’s not rough sex because I know when that’s happening too, in fact, on occasion the rough sex comes before the furniture moving….wait it all makes sense now, I hate you.

...You are at the urinal and think it is appropriate to pee hands free. I’m sorry but all missiles need guidance. At any moment that thing can lose control and start spraying everywhere, namely me standing right next to you. Not only are you not guiding it, but you put your hands on your hips, let out a groan and lean your head back. You disgust me and please for the love of god, shake before putting it away maybe then I will not hate you so much.

...You have me on your mailing list for pointless email updates about your job and the services you sell. I must say I have friends guilty of this and will come to the blog to find themselves hated, but it must said. Even worse than having your email address on the mailer, is having two of your email addresses on the mailer. Tragically I must now mark your address as spam and leave an automated outgoing message that I hate you.

...You tell me my blog is “actually kind of funny”. As if it is some major surprise that I could possibly come up with such pure hatred genius? You are basically telling me you thought I was totally incapable of being so hate filled. You know, you are actually kind of intelligent, I would never have suspected that judging from your actions, but no you kind of are, just kind of because you’re not really, I’m just being nice, in reality, I hate you.

...You stop in utter amazement gawking at subway performers. Wow look at the guy banging on an empty bucket, let me just stand right here in front of the stairs so I can get the best view while getting in as many people’s way as possible. After all, wouldn’t everyone want to stop and stare at this for at least ten minutes? I’m doing them a favour by forcing them to run into me, miss their train and hate me.

...You miss a huge spot on your face shaving. How do you not notice this when you are actually shaving? It’s a big spot on the side of your face and not even like a one day shave miss, it’s a huge spot, as though you had grown a beard in one place for 10 days, purposely shaving around one general area. You are repulsive and disgusting and hated.

6 comments:

S said...

Your awesome.

Anonymous said...

you run the company volleyball team and feel the need to email everyone on the team of every V-Ball update at least 6 or 7 times a day. DO YOU HAVE A JOB HERE ?...Or is your job to really annoy me into a deep seeded hate for you and my own association with this team???
Really, do we need strategy sessions for our band of corporate athletically challenged misfits???
Nooo, i'm not busy. Worst of all you SUCK at volleyball..good thing you actually bought those strategy books at Barnes & Noble.

-Seacrest out

Anonymous said...

you are the guy in my office who instinctively feels the urge to humm the same song every minute of every day. As soon as your done talking to this guy "the never ending song" begins... does he even know he's doing this? is the song that good? are there no other songs worthy of this never-ending mindless tune? or is it merely the theme song for my never ending hate for you?

-seacrest out

Doofi said...

I'm not sure which is worse humming the same song on a daily basis or having three middle aged single, childless women sing la la la and when they forget the words to that, they sing blah blah blah for no apparent reason other to get me to hate them.

I feel you on the company V-Ball team, does anyone care? including the members of the team? the only person that ever cares is the "captain" everyone else joined because their trying to hook up with someone else that plays, assuming it's co-ed, well maybe depends on where you work.

elvira black said...

Whatever you do, don't talk to or otherwise distract the "look ma, no hands" peeing guy. He might turn your way and spray.

I had an intense spasm of hatred on the subway yesterday when this one guy wouldn't stop rapping along to the endless gibberish streaming from his IPod. Everyone else had their Ipods strapped on so they couldn't hear him--only me. I guess he thought he was going to be discovered. I just discovered that I hated him.

Doofi said...

I hate you if you post hatred of the aspiring rapper before I have a chance to. I have a couple versions of this just waiting to be hated, now I need to wait that much longer to post them, thank you.

When approaching a hands free pee'er you have to be careful not to make any sudden movements, they're a ferocious creature with an acidic spray that will blind you just long enough for it to attack or flee the scene.