Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Good Will Hating

...You are paying for something in a store and insist on counting exact change. If the exact change is not in your hand already, you lose. You are not allowed to dig around in a big bag looking for 67 cents. And why can’t stores price things so no change is ever needed? Or at least only quarters? There is a way to make something that costs $2.92 cost a nice even $3.00. And while I’m at it, you’re not fooling anyone by saying it costs $19.99, we all know it’s 20 bucks and if you don’t know that, well my friend, you have just been hated.

...You say your favorite movie is pretty woman. Yes what a lovely story, it would be nice to think this could happen to you. You know it’s every girl’s dream to first be a filthy whore on Hollywood Blvd. to then be purchased by some obnoxious rich guy that thinks he owns you and then you being such a money hungry rabid animal think that having him buy you clothes is just the greatest dream come true. Don’t ever tell me that’s your favorite movie, even if it is, if you do…..HATED.

...You make an appointment to see me at 2 and then show up at 1:45. Are you trying to impress me by coming early? Do you think this will keep you from being hated by me? There is only one way that you won’t be hated and that is to not show up at all, never call me again, never email me again, never have someone mention your name in my presence, then and only then will you not be hated by me.

...You come up to me and start talking to me in a bar and ask me my hobbies. Is this the extent of your interesting conversation or was this just a line so I can ask you and then you can ramble on and on about how you do theater for fun. I didn’t realize that I was on a bad date. As a matter of fact I do have a hobby, it’s hating you.

...You have an entire bar to lean on, yet you insist on unnecessarily leaning right up against me. Dude what is your deal, can you give me like 2 inches of breathing room here? You’ve got about 10 feet of open bar space why the closeness? And why is it that every time I go to piss or out for a smoke that girl you’re with puts her bag on my chair? You know I’m coming back in 1 minute so I can hate you.

...You are middle aged and think the only way to connect with someone younger is to brag (pretend) about how much you drink. You’re 40, you’re not impressing me if you’re still single and running around getting wasted 5 nights a week, that’s what being in your 20’s is for. Just because you ended up alone leaving you the “ability” to go out drinking doesn’t make you cool, it makes you hated by me.

...You tell me I can afford to have a “treat” because I’m thin. Love this situation, one thin person, one morbidly obese person. Obese person tells thin person, oh you can afford to have some chocolate cake and extra frosting because you’re thin. Hmmm, so you can afford to have it because you’re already fat? There’s a reason people are thin, because they don’t eat that shit everyday. Thin people have found enjoyment in their lives through means other feeding 30 times a day, try ditching the cats for some real human interaction so I can stop hating you so much.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hate it when you work in an office and all the women think its their job to tell you about the disgusting happenings for the 2 hours before they gave birth-----WTF

Doofi said...

I hate you even more if you have pictures of when you gave birth, even more still video of you giving birth and even still worse if you saved the placenta. Why do people feel it is appropriate to show video or pictures of a baby's head coming out of a hairy mess. Yeah that's an image I wish you never gave me, thank you for posting that comment, I hate you.

jessie said...

hey that middle age drunk sounds like my brother in law! i hate him too!

UGH!! said...

How is it that some people have no concept of personal space? I hate when I'm standing on a train or bus and instead of choosing one of the 50 other places to stand, they chose the one right next to me. And insist on reading a giant newspaper that must be shoved in my face. And I'm the dick if I move away from you!?