Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Let me hear your body hate, body hate

...You look at me like I’m some kind of genetic freak for sweating at the gym. I don’t know what you do, but I go to the gym to exercise, you know running, elliptical, cycling, one of those things, people tend to sweat. I realize you come to the gym for the sole purpose of making me have to wait for a treadmill. A little hint, if you can read while working out, you’re not working out, you’re just being hated.

...You refer to cycling as spinning. Have we been dumbed down so much that riding a stationary bicycle now is just referred to as spinning? Oooooo, look at the pretty colors, it spins, lets call it spinning. And what’s with the techno music they blast during this? It’s like a headache and heart attack all mixed into one, don’t forget to include a seizure in there. Flashing strobe lights, techno music blaring and a cracked out chick yelling at you to peddle faster, that’s my idea of goooooooood livin, I hate you.

...You are doing cardio at the gym and take little baby sips from your bottle of water every 3 minutes. First of all, you’re barely moving and not even close to breaking a sweat. B, you can’t go 30 minutes, wait for you its 10 minutes, without having a sip of water? How do you get through the rest of your exhausting life? I mean what happens if you have to walk a flight of stairs? What happens when McDonald’s is closed and you have to walk all the way next door to Burger King to feed your fat face with some of me hating you?

...You drive to the gym and circle the parking lot for that magical parking spot in front of the door. These people are going to the gym, to presumably work-out, either lifting, cardio, both or whatever – but for some reason walking that extra 30 feet is just too much workout for them. These are probably the same fat asses that go to the gym, wait in line for a treadmill for 15 minutes, finally get on, walk for ten minutes sipping water all the while and then think they’ve had enough of a workout. Well I’ve reserved all the spots in front of the door, you’ll notice the signs that say I hate you.

...You are naked locker room man. You are over 55, you just finished your “workout” and are about to hit the showers. For some reason you really enjoy wearing no pants, the first thing you take off, even before your sneakers, are your shorts and of course you’re not wearing underwear. Then you take your sweet ass time taking the rest of your clothes off and then to the shower. After your shower, you don’t use towels like the rest of the known universe, no, you prefer that good old fashioned air dry, even though you are in public. Just standing there, completely naked. You finally get your clothes together to dress, you put on everything except your pants and just stand around, you talk to people, pantless, comb your hair, pantless, get hated by me, pantless.

...You are the guy at my gym that is bald and wears a towel over his head fastened with a sweatband, iron sheik style. Dude, you’ve got no hair I’m sorry, but a towel is not fooling anyone, anyone at all. It also gives you no right to walk around the gym like you’re some kind of tough guy workout prodigy. You’re 5’4” and a little runt, don’t stand there telling me I’m working out “wrong” or give me the nastiest look for asking if you’re done, but then it’s okay to ask me if I’m done with that, well no I’m not, I still have another 10 minutes of hating you.

4 comments:

doc said...

much better timing lately, thank you

jessie said...

gross old naked dude! yuk!
runt guy, kinda like moie 50 first dates-drew barrymore's brother! people like that make me laugh, at them!
gyms are meat markets in my opinion! there you will find the only women who wear make up to exercise, and as you said never sweat! you also find the work out runts who try and pick up on every cute girl in the place!

HateAndLoathing said...

How about the people who feel it is acceptable to breathe heavily in your general direction while working out? Whether its morning or evening, in general, people have disgusting breath. Couple that with cardio machines that are placed within centimeters of each other, and you've got a dangerous combination. This is but one of the many personal space/hygiene offenses that can be observed on a regular basis at the gym, where apparently they issue a license to be disgusting sub-human pig in addition to your monthly membership.

Doofi said...

or pick up any girl for that mattr, they have no standards or conception of what society refers to as off limits, like wedding rings.

last night i had the pleasure of doing cardio next to a combination of two gym people i hate. the guy that stinks of garlic, just know that you smell and should not open your mouth or sweat within 2 days of easting garlic, it is simply the most offensive odor. The second being the i'm going to race you guy, i can go faster than you can look at how fast I'm going. Seriously guy, there aren't many people at the gym that will run faster or for longer than I will. and wait you are also another, the guy that reads while "working out" there is not a chance in hell you are doing any kind of benefit when you can read and allegedly do cardio. this "multitasking" business has to stop. and if i call you and you say you are mutlitasking, i'll hate you and hang up the phone.