Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Midnight in the Garden of Hate and Evil

...You enter a virtually empty train car and sit in the seat directly next to me ignoring the other 75 empty seats. Not only were there bountiful empty seats on this train, but I had papers spread out all over the seat, I normally would never do this on the train for I would be the subject of my own hate, but you see, I determined that no reasonable person would sit next to me, but alas you proved me wrong, I hate you.

...You are one of the people holding/paying for a client conference and feel the need to tell me, the client, how much money you spent on dinner. I don’t care that it cost you $9,000 for a dinner, that’s not my problem. I’m your client, you entertain me and don’t tell me how much it cost, that’s so obnoxious and immature, yet you’re about 45, I’m 28 and somehow I know better? What’s wrong with you and while you’re at it, you can pay for my limo back to the airport because I hate you.

...You go to a conference and think this is your time to “let loose”. You use the phrase what happens at the conference stays at the conference, which in and of itself makes me hate you, but then you proceed to live up to it. just because your company offers an open bar for the night, doesn’t mean you order 4 drinks at a time for yourself. Contrary to what you think, you WILL see these people again, day in and day out, and contrary to what you think, you’re the only one dancing, dancing with your shirt off. Everyone else is just standing around hating you.

...You call your significant other “babe”. This seems to be the pet name of the new millennium (side note: I hate you more than anything if you say the new millennium). Everyone is using babe, it needs to stop and stop fast. Spend a night out with your married friends and you’ll be thoroughly sickened by the gratuitous babes being tossed around like Dylan McKay in 8 seconds. You know it's you Babe. Whenever I get weary and I've had enough. Feel like giving up….babe I hate you.

...You lean in to kiss me hello and lean the same way I do thereby forcing us to kiss on the lips. AWKWARD, I barely know you, haven’t seen you in years and suddenly we’re kissing, oh and your fiancĂ© is standing there staring at me with a look of death in his eyes. always go left or is it right or just play by ear, but come on you can tell which way the lean is going. Just the thought of it is making me hate you.

...You have bumper stickers proclaiming your faith in jesus and give reasons for other people to believe. Has this ever converted a non believer? Has that little fish really inspired someone to think to themselves, you know what, if I could only teach that man to fish, maybe then I’d stop hating you.

...You are the only other person in an elevator with me and miss your floor. So there are two buttons pushed mine and yours, we’re not speaking so there’s no distraction, yet when the doors open to your floor you just stand there staring at the floor number. I of course will not say anything to you to see if you are seriously going to stare directly at the floor number, knowing it’s yours and still not get off. Now you will have to get off on my floor where everyone will hate you.


jessie said...

people announcing how much they spent is sooo tacky! that's in the same league as telling someone how much their christmas present costs. have some class people!
the train guy was just rude. he did that to be a butthole!
the babe thing is just as bad as pookie, my ears were deafened recently with that one, while out at dinner. i don't like people making me wanna vomit a 25 dollar meal, it's impolite!

elvira black said...

Babe is bad--but "my lady" is worse. But that's more of a sixties thing.

I think that guy was...um...into you, no?

Doofi said...

hmmm into me, i didn't get that impression because for some reason he seemed really pissed and annoyed at me for sitting there, as though it was his own personal reserved seat. I think that's what you're talking about...which reminds of a getting hit on by a dude story, it will make for good bloggin, stay tuned.

as for telling people what things cost, there's only one worse, telling people how much you make. I've changed my rap to being unemployed and living off my trust fund and blogging all day. or that i sit in an office all day and don't actually do work, but it's more of social experiment, although that's kinda true, sans the experiment.