Monday, November 07, 2005

Not Another Teen Hate

...You are the woman that owned the video store I worked in while in high school. I could have written a novel on this woman by the time I turned 18, but alas, it's 10 years later and 10 years of hating has done quite the damage to my memory, so I only have a few to share, but they're beauties...

...You decide to take inventory of the adult section with the only 16 year old male working in the video store on Sunday afternoon with a store full of kids. Not only was is it inventory, but you made me stand there behind the counter and yell out the titles to you while you were in the "back room". THE single most uncomfortable moment in my life was when a nice lady was at the counter while I yelled to the back and I quote..."Marie, come on my face".

...You are the creepy video store owner that wore a wig. The most confusing part of your wig were the sunglasses that were permantly on your head, not wearing them, but resting on the top of your head holding your hair/wig in place. and why the same outfit every day. If humpty dumpty was a person his body would be like this woman's, very eggish in the middle with two little sticks for legs and two sticks for arms, wearing black stretch pants pulled up to her sagging breasts and a blue moo mooish type shirt...how about this, come on my hate.

...You are the chain smoking video store owner. oh there's so much on this woman, but i love her for giving me a key to the store on my very first day of work. You had no less than 7 cigarettes lit at the same time, ashtrays all over the store on video racks, some with lit cigarettes some with mounds of ash and how what about the brand, Lark? I know that sounds made up, but it's true, cartons and cartons of these things laying around the store, waiting to be hated by me.

...You are the very same video store owner that met a guy on the internet, IN 1994 PEOPLE, and married him. This was in the days of dial up when it took about 19 minutes to load a page. Let's not forget about all the freaks that were on there at the time, weren't people all worried that somehow the internets would rape your 10 year old daughter? I'm not sure how the internets can do that, but one thing they have certainly perfected is my hated of you.

...You are the 3 women working at the video store all at the same time when I walked in with a girl and you all started pawing at me and trying to take my shirt off for some reason and totally freaked out the girl and then we spent the next hour laughing at you and hating you.

...You are the guy that rented 22 movies every new years. Is this how celebrate? wow, bring in the new year with 22 movies. I hate you if you think I'm even exaggerating, because I am probably underestimating the exact number, this guy must have gone on lock down for 3 days straight, they sure know how to party in that house. if this is how they celebrate new years, what the hell is the rest of your life like, it must be horrendous to be so hated.

...You are the guy that came in to rent porn and felt it was appropriate to tell porn watching stories to the 16 yr old kid behind the counter, yours truly. It was all about when you were younger and made your little brother watch dirty movies, then tied his hands down so he couldn't play with himself...yeah all things I don't need to know and why is this one of the select few things i've chosen to remember, I'm scared, makes me want to tear out me glazzies and I hate you.

...You are the omnipresent customer that would pick up THE worst movie, turn to me and say is this good? I just love that Charlie Sheen. Ok, you love the man in some of the worst all time movies, ok, proceed. You pick up what, terminal velocity? did i see that? um noooo, are you going to see that, ummm yes. that's the best movie i ever saw, you should definately rent that and then when you return it, you can give me a very thorough critique and analysis of this fine motion picture at which point I'll hate you.

...You think that working a video store was not my best job to date. How can anything compete with being 16 making good money at $6.50 an hour (this was 93-95 people, inflation, I was 16), I had a key to the store, ate the snacks when i felt like it, free soda from the machine, free movies, free porn, free video games, abuse of "petty cash" and what was my job? to sit around, do my homework, watch movies and hate you when you came in to rent a movie.

6 comments:

jessie said...

my ex-boyfriend worked in a video store when i met him, and the people he worked for and with, OMG. The lady with the wig sounds just like the woman he worked for. She was a strange one. I remember the crap he would complain about too. She used to sit in the back and drink and he would find her all the time passed out in puke and have to call her daughter to come and get her.

Doofi said...

that is fantastic. I once caught her without her wig on, it was such a scary site, she looked like a witch, i mean green skin, pointy nose and chin with the big wart and everything. I am lucky enough to have not found her passed out in her own puke, that would have been tremendous.

Anonymous said...

she disgusts me and i don't even know her. i picture a cross between peggy bundy and thelma from the simpsons.. only fatter and with a slight B.O. covered by spray on aerosol perfume mixed with smoke. How were you not attracted TO THAT???

Doofi said...

who said i wasn't attracted? holla. i kid, you almost have the smell right, but it wasn't quite perfume, more like some kind of anti smoke nuetralizing air spray. Let's not forget abotu her witch like teeth that were more of a blackish colour rather than the typical yellowy color smokers/coffee drinkers get, i mean black, these things were so rotted i'm not sure how she ate, of course i think the only thing she ate were slim fast shakes, she didn't quite get the concept of sensible dinner, i believe to her that meant four shakes instead of her normal two. I think the slim fast shakes were surgically attached to her hand and she just had a refiller station where she could load up on the chocolate shake she wanted. I'm so happy that all these horrid memories are coming back to me now after having blacked out the entire era for nearly 10 years. My next task is to recall the antics of the rather large co worker of mine, i know there was at least one thing she said to me that had me curled up in the fetal position calling for my mommy.

elvira black said...

ROFL--you have pushed your own envelope of hatred to even more sublime levels!

jj said...

But it was a hell of a place to hang out...that was where I got my first porn! Man, we spent a lot of time there...but you were NO DJ....I think you should give a special hate out to the reputation of DJ, DJ, DJ that you never lived up to....