Thursday, November 17, 2005

Please Sir, May I Have Some Hate?

...You ask me if I have a tan when I clearly have a tan. Wow HD do you have a tan? No last week when I said I’m going on vacation to the Caribbean I really meant that I’m taking a week off to lay in a coffin like bed so that I can come into work on Monday to have you ask me if I’m tan you stupid fucker. Better yet in the Summer when I come in on a Monday with a tan you ask me this: “Wow, were you outside this weekend?” No, it was sunny and 90 degrees Saturday and Sunday, I was pale white on Friday and now I’m tan, nope wasn’t outside, you can apparently get tan by sitting inside and hating you all day.

...You don’t know the etiquette of revolving doors. Let’s make this clear ladies and gentlemen. If the door is not in motion the man goes first, you savvy? It’s not like a regular door where you open it and then let a woman go first. The revolving door takes a little muscle to get going therefore the chivalrous action is for the man to go first. I hate you if you are a woman and offended at my hate of people not knowing manners. I hate you if you are a woman and don’t understand this rule and think I’m being rude by going first when in reality I’m doing the right thing. if the door is already in motion, the woman goes first, unless of course you are a woman hated by me, then I break all etiquette and will just hate you.

...You ride a bike in the city and feel you are above basic traffic laws. To you, one way streets don’t mean a thing and those red lights? Why on earth would you even slow down to see if someone is coming the other way. You can rest assured that if you’re crossing a semi main intersection no less than 3 bike messengers/delivery guys will cut you off. I’ve seen you ride directly into oncoming traffic and then be shocked that someone almost hits you. Sidewalks, no for you these are just an extension of the street, that’s why I push you off your bike and say I hate you.

...You are the person that constructed the bathrooms in my office building. Was it necessary to make 1.5 inch wide gaps between the panels? Do you have any idea how awkward it is to walk into the bathroom and to be able to see someone on the thrown trying to cover their bits and pieces? Do you have any idea how awkward it is to be the one on that thrown and have someone walk in and make eye contact with you through the gaps in the panels? How about when they say hello? It’s the creepiest most awkward situation in the entire world aside from hating you.

...You take things off the printer without checking to make sure it’s only yours that you’re taking. I guess you are the only person that uses that printer and no one would dare print to yours. I’m glad you live in a world that revolves completely around you and only you. I’m also glad that whenever I see something you printed, I throw out a couple of the middle pages so when you mail something out or give it to your boss you will look like an idiot for missing pages 4 through 7 all because I hate you.

...You see 100’s of people walking up the stairs from the subway and think you deserve to walk down. What do you not understand about this? The train just let everyone out, they’re all walking up the stairs, the train is gone by now and you can’t simply wait until the people all get out? what makes you so important? And why are you rushing to stand around in a steam bath for an extra two minutes? Do you have any idea how hot it is underground? You should know that once you make it down the stairs, I’ll be there waiting to hate you.

...You are someone at my company doing market research and send an email survey with a subject line: Fun online survey - first, it’s a survey, nothing fund about it, second don’t use the ol bait and switch job on me. For the sake of the blog I began the survey, which starts as all others do and asks the question, if this website was a person who would it be? If this website was an animal what kind would it be? What are the first three words you think of when see the name of this website? How about: I HATE YOU.


Anonymous said...

That bathroom panel situation is so true. They need to plug those up or something, it's like a deer in headlights when you make eye contact.

Anonymous said...

au contrare mon frere, actually i took the Biggest Nastiest DUMP of my life yesterday....(picture throwing up out your ASS for a 1/2 hr. with a subtle hint of decayed rotten egg) I almost wish I was in your buildings bathroom and there was someone peeking in the gaps at the right moment so they could see the Carnage i was unleashing upon the bowl... that would teach them never to look again!!!

Well anyways, after reading a dozen newspaper articles I prepared for THE FLUSH. (If that baby didn't flush I swear they would have called in a HAZMAT unit to clean-up the "situation"). the key here is to stand as far away from the bowl of death as physically getting hit with any backsplash would make me have to immediately leave work and dispose of my whole wardrobe.

Good news is the bowl struggled mightely but did the job. Proud of the moment(but also afraid certain fumes may have embedded in my clothing) I decided to air out and also to wander the bathroom waiting for a "victim" to walk into my gas chamber. Nothing would have been better than seeing someone enter the chamber and let out a dry heave, scream, or a "OH MY GOD...HELP ME". but to no avail no one showed.

(and here's a pre-emptive FUCK YOU if you've never been proud of your own shit. Your a fucking lier and I HATE YOU)

-Seacrest out

HateAndLoathing said...

One way around the peek-a-boo problem in the stalls is to take the last one. If someone walks down to the end of the line, sees the door closed AND locked (you can usually tell by a glance), and then they still pull the ol peek-a-boo, you are legally allowed to promptly finish your business, intercept the offender before they find an empty stall, and proceed to kick his fucking ass. No judge in the world would convict you for that one. This punishment is also perfectly appropriate for the equally obnoxious "Turd Burgler", the asshole who jiggles the closed and locked door while you're trying to get down to the most personal of business.

jessie said...

how about the kids that seem to want to peer through the gap? there's nothing like looking up and seeing a little eyeball staring at you through the crack, especially when they comment and tell you don't forget to wipe! where are the parents of this little person and why don't they teach the child some manners!

elvira black said...

If you really hate all others who use the bathroom at work, you have a number of strategies for hate. One is to not observe the courtesy flush (aka mercy flush) rule and just let your first load sit there stagnating in the water while you get ready for round two. The other is to make sure you fill up the bowl with a combo of toilet paper and turds to the point where it overflows when it is flushed by you or others. But that one when all the stalls are out of order thanks to your hate. In that case, it's a sad example of winning the battle but losing the war-- the war on shitty smelly hate.

Doofi said...

I hate you if you are the person at my last job that didn't flush after number 2. As if the not flushing wasn't bad enough, the scariest part was that there was no toilet paper to be found in the bowl. So there was no crow's nest and no wiping. that might explain the ass smell coming from that one cube.