Friday, November 11, 2005

A Streetcar Named Hate

...You are making about 150 copies at the copy machine and then don’t clear the machine before you leave. Thanks, because now I have 150 copies of my receipt I’m submitting as an expense. Yes, I hate you if you also point out that I can hit cancel on the copier. I’m making a point you literal fucker and Moses really did part the Red Sea just to get to the promised land where he hated you for eternity.

...You still don’t know how to hail a cab. Hailing a cab is not a science, not a talent, not a skill, it’s just a basic fundamental daily activity, like breathing. There are three stages of a cab, all with clear indicators, there’s obviously available, in which case the light will be on. There’s off duty, in which case the light says: off duty, surprise surprise. Then the all too confusing third category is when someone is already in it. I’m not sure why this is such a confusing one, but if someone’s in the cab, the light is off, get it? don’t put your arm and then look like your going to cry or kill when the cab drives by you. You see there’s someone in the back. And for the love god, when hailing a cab, DO NOT just leave you’re arm up in the air waiting for one to see you, especially when there are none coming, even more especially when there are no cars coming, and even most especially when I’m hating you.

...You call me from another country and don’t leave your country code. I’m in the US, you know Americans are completely ethnocentric and have no interest in learning the country codes, other languages or even simple geography. Our country code of course is 1, simple and everyone knows that, and I expect you to know that because again, I’m American. But there’s like 50 countries in Europe alone, not a chance in hell I’m going to remember all of em, if you don’t leave me your country code and I actually know it, I’m still not calling you back because I hate you.

...You are the person that keeps pissing in the stairwell of my apartment building. WHY? As soon as it’s cleaned, you are in there within 24 hours taking a piss. The smells is so repellant I gag every time I walk through it. Once I find out who you are I am going to pee under your door, everyday and leave you little love notes so you know why you have become a victim of my hate.

...You are singing some kind of unnecessarily long drawn out note and your lower lip quivers as though it was 20 degrees in the room. Then as your lip is quivering, you throw out a hand with a little point thing going on as though you are conducting yourself. Perhaps you then do a dip of some sort, maybe snap with your other hand, yeah you’re grooving to my hate.

...You are male and eat a banana straight out of the peel without breaking each piece off first. This is gross. I’ll admit I eat bananas on a daily basis, but I recognize the phallic shape and break off pieces as I eat them. There is no way any male, gay or straight, should be deep throating bananas as they eat them. Women, don’t be discouraged from this behaviour, please. Although, if you start gagging, I hate you too. I’m talking about bananas, the fruit, you sick perverts.

...You wear space alien sunglasses. Who decided that these are cool? A little hint, you don’t have to buy something just because someone is selling it. By Spring no one will be caught dead wearing them and then you’ll be out another $300 because Dolce will have new fad eyewear. You may as well throw them in the big pile with your leg warmers, jelly bracelets, parachute pants, cargo pants, flannel shirts, acid was jeans, and your concept T-shirts that say things like “I’m a pimp” or “that’s hot”, sorry those are done too, I hate you.

2 comments:

jessie said...

i can't believe someone actually pisses every day in your building like that! how gross! i'd find out who it is, kick their ass then piss on them! hopefully no child has come into contact with that!

jj said...

I hate those prissy bitches late at night who come up to you on the corner of the street and think they are going to get the first cab that comes by, just because they are now two feet closer to the intersection than you, regardless of the fact that you have been their first clearly. I then have no problem pushing them down and getting into the cab, laughing and hating them all the way home.