Thursday, November 10, 2005

Video Hates the Radio Star

...You were my neighbor who eventually got a job working during the day at the video store. Ok you are working the day shift during the week, no one comes in during this time, I think you can afford to vacuum and put away the porn movies in the back. Me, I was 17, looked about 12, working after school and/or at night the time when people actually come in to rent movies. Not to mention, there’s no way I’m putting away the porn movies in back, do you realize how many comments I got from people when I'd come walking in from back there? It was bad enough the bathroom was there and after taking my afternoon poop people would see me walk out and assume I’m up to no good? Who would think I would do that in the store anyway? That’s kind of creepy that you even thought of that, I mean if you were in my situation, would you? of course not because then you’d be hated.

...You were the nervous the guy renting your first porn. First, you didn’t have to pay for membership, that was only applicable in like 1983, but I’m glad I charged you 20 bucks to join. Second, you are not going to a stag, it’s Tuesday. Don’t tell me to just pick any porno, because without fail I’m picking the gay porn for you. So one, if it really is for stag party, you’ll have some explaining to do or two if it’s really for you, you’ll be wondering for months, does he think I’m gay? Do I look gay? Maybe I am or maybe I’m just hated.

...You were my rather largess co worker at the video store would insist on giving me sex advice. I never wanted to hear this from you in the first place so I forgot it over the years, but it’s back. “All you need to do in bed is circles. My man does circles and it makes me come every time.” Ohh I shudder at just thought of her saying this, then I get the image of her copulating in my head and become nauseous, break out in a cold sweat and feel a panic attack of horror. Not to mention she also met her “men” online and again this was circa ‘94. That one computer programmer guy from Colorado was a keeper that’s for sure. The worst part is, this poor guy flew all the way out east just to bang you, I’m sure even he was disappointed when seeing you in real life, my guess is he hated you too.

...You were my kinda hot, slutty co worker from the video store. So I was 16 in high school and this girl got around a bit. I would sometimes have the “honour” of working with her on a weekend night. I could keep the girl entertained while at work, all with ulterior motives of course, but entertained nonetheless. Of course to my dismay this girl apparently would sleep with our entire high school, except me. Nothing, nada, nathan, I hate you.

...You were a girl from my class’s father that would rent porn every single night I worked. You made it so difficult to sit through Spanish class, but seriously guy, you’ve got problems. A little porn from time to time, not bad, in fact I encourage it, but every night? And man those callous’ on your hands, I mean your entire hand is callous. I really hope you lubed properly, unless you and the Mrs. were freaks. Which reminds of this girl I used to hang out with’s parents, who both happened to be teachers at the high school, that both happened to be large and gross. The girl was not large and gross at the time, well maybe gross in a hot kind of way. Anyhoo, one night at her house, yours truly stumbles upon her parents porn collection and her parents sex toy collection. I ran out of that house so fast kicking and screaming I hate you all the way home.

...You are my friends from high school that just assumed you should get free movies from me. Well actually you assumed right, god help me if I would charge anyone I knew to rent a movie. I mean even if I barely knew you, why should you pay? That’s crazy. And if you had more late fees than the movie was worth, suddenly when I’m working, they were gone. Hmm, how does that happen? I don’t know, because I hate you.

...You were the guy from my church that came in the store to return two movies, both porn. It wasn’t awkward for me, I laughed and I laughed, must have been weird for you when I saw you in church with your whole family, all dressed nicely, speaking with the minister about what a lovely day it was. Yeah, lovely day for you to rent some of the dirtiest porn ever made. Oh I think I just came up with a new book idea, secrets of the video store guy or should it be hated by the video store guy?

...You "interview" me to work at the video store to replace the other guy working there, DJ, and say you are looking for another DJ. Then throughout my long sordid tenure slinging videos to the likes of you, I had to hear constant comparisons. DJ could get anyone to rent any movie, DJ would work late if someone was in the store, DJ never took home any of the porn, DJ was just the best, DJ always dressed so nice, DJ, DJ, DJ, DJ. I fucking hate DJ and I hate you.


Anonymous said...

Just for the record, I would totally get that book

Anonymous said...

You are a grown man in your 30's and are still really into comic books. You run like Flash to the mailbox everyday wearing your imaginary power bracelets and tear open the cover like THE HULK searching for the latest subscription of Justice league America and Batman only to find a "grown ups" magazine of GQ, which you grudgingly read to hold you over to your next issue of the Green Lantern coming sometime later this week. You think that people who merely just glance at the "funny pages" in the Sunday paper are losers and not hard core comic lovers such as yourself. The opening night of X-Men the movie, was one of the 3 greatest nights of your life. (the other two being the opening night of X-Men 2 and the new Batman movie). How about a free subscription to my superhuman powers of HATING YOU?

-Seacrest out

Doofi said...

I'm hoping for an X-Mas 06 release on the book of hate. anyone know a publisher?

Doofi said...

and the comic book fans are even worse than your star wars fans. I mean i hate you enough if you have wet dreams of princess lea and you dressed up like Frodo for halloween, but the comic books? ohh sooo much weirder. Lusting after cartoon superhuman women is NOT normal, emulating Peter parker and clark kent are not cool, that's opposed to spiderman and superman. How about the names of some of these guys? obviously written by children, superman, wonderwoman, batman, spiderman, aquaman? just throw a man after any animal and there's you're new super hero. pretty thought out process if you ask me. Where's raptorman, centaurman - wait that's a little redundant, how about horseman, pigman, let's not forget roosterman, i got a whole list of farm animals from a republican anti gay pamphlet so don't get me started, i hate you.

Anonymous said...

umm..i have to admit there was a porno "wicked weapon" which jenna jamison dressed up as a superhero and OH MY GOD was she SUPER... I list this as the LONE exception to the superhero freakshow genre... but i regress. and seriously, the fucking costumes are the worst. some gay tights and a cape??? are you sure they are not just dressing up for the Gay Pride parade or actually fighting crime? Would you really be intimidated by Batman and Robin from the 60's in their Gay nuthugging tights? i think not...

-Seacrest Out

jessie said...

don't leave out the star trek freaks! they're really wierd! i went to high school with one, he sat next to me in one of my classes. he would go to the conventions, dress up, speak in clingon and once told me he had green blood! freak! and he had constant nose sweat! how gross! it could be 50 below and his big fat nose would be all sweaty! ewe!
his name was BJ. guess how much torture he recieved from me!