Friday, December 30, 2005

Absolute Hate, Corrupts Absolutely

...You make a color coded graph and use colors that are almost identical. This year’s profits are in blue, last year’s are in light blue, 2003’s are in teal, 2002 is in aqua, then you will notice our profits compared to market which has been highlighted in sky blue, and you will notice industry shown in a lighter shade of hate.

...You walk around the office with your blackberry attached to your belt. Do you work for the volunteer firefighters? I know it’s rough to be a whole 25 feet away from your computer while you poop or get coffee, but wearing that beltpack is entirely unnecessary. It’s kind of like your own little power source that let’s you zip all over the office to earn two nicknames, zippy and hated-by-me.

...You are a reporter/New Yorker and feel the need to pat yourself on the back for being resilient in the face of adversity. I guess walking a couple miles in the cold makes you a tough new Yorker, “they” keep throwing things at you and somehow you manage to get by, how doooo you do it? I’ll tell you, because you have to. These things tend to happen to the largest cities and NY being NY gets more press coverage anyway. My favorite was after “the black out” two years ago, some homeless guy was selling T-shirts that said, “first 9/11, then the blackout, what next NYC?” didn’t that blackout shut down the entire northeast? I’ll tell you what’s next, the wrath of my hate.

...You call my office phone thinking it’s the person that used to have this extension and then try to sell me something just because I’m on the phone. How did you not understand that this is an office? Do people normally answer their home phones by stating their name and company? I can picture you at home answering the phone saying: Annoying Customer Service Rep, how can I hate you?

...You come into my office right after I fart. Part of the joy of having an office is the ability to drop bombs at will, then you have to come over to my office and catch me in the act and ruin it for everyone. Now there is going to be gas buildup, people will be walking around the office bloated, their fat guts hanging out even further than normal, and then from time to time we’ll all have to endure the loud bangs that erupt from the bathroom when the gas is released filled with hate.

...You pronounce the ‘h’ in words like “what” or “where” or “whom”. Were you taught the same English as me? Maybe they changed the lesson plan somewhere along the way, but last I checked the ‘h’ is silent. I realize that you are the same person that says “leever” when pronouncing the word “lever”, but the silent ‘h’s are too far. You’ve crossed the line with me. Its as though you are telling everyone, I’m so sophisticated, I only go to the opera and art exhibits, have dinner with the governor, and hob knob with people that hate you.

...You set up camp on the sidewalk when trying to figure out where you are going. What is it with you people? You come from your small town and have no concept of what to do in a big city. Hmm how do I get to 48th street? Well Einstein, you are on 55th so try walking 7 blocks, you dig? And why are you touristing with your infant children in NY, in the winter? No thought went into that one did it? When you get lost, yes, please, stop in the middle of a busy sidewalk, all 14 of you, forming a wall of hated humans.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Edward ScissorHate

...You work in a hair salon and only know how to do three different hair cuts. You know how to shave a head, do the standard a little longer on top but short on the sides, or nothing at all. I haven't had my hair cut since June, when I got haircut number 2, it's been a wonderful ride since. Watching my hair go through different lengths truly a great experience. But like all good things, the hair growing experiment had to end. How did I know it was time? Well, when another Jerry Seinfeld look-a-like sat near me at lunch today, well then I knew. There are only so many times someone can call you Jerry before you go insane, especially since I think I look nothing like him. Perhaps the back of my hair was a tad mulletish, but I liked it. The moral of the story here folks is that if you go to a salon for a haircut and say take an inch and a half off all around then thin it out, just know you have no control over it, sit back and don't ask questions when they take the clipper out. My god, I'm insane to have thought they wouldn't have completely fucked it up, I went from 4 to 5 inches (OF HAIR PEOPLE) to barely half an inch. I'm now only a 1/4 of the man I used to be, because I hate you.

...You say why don't you get them all cut when someone says I'm getting my hair cut. So did you come up with that one yourself? I know you are just being stupid and joking around, but only I can say that, otherwise, you are just hated by me.

...You are in orientation at a new job and feel the need to either ask the dumbest questions or to make comments throughout the entire time. We've all had jobs before, we've all gotten the benefits lecture, we don't need you to chyme in every two seconds with, oh yes I agree, well even if you live in another state you can get your doctor there. Really? You mean it? You are really hated by me?

...You have ever said "there is no such thing as a stupid question". The only reason you said that was because someone just asked you a stupid question. There are pretty much ONLY stupid questions. When I was in school I dreamt of becoming a teacher for the sole purpose of saying on day one, contrary to popular belief, there are such things as stupid questions, think before you ask one, or else you will be hated by me.

...You are at the gym and refuse to workout on a treadmill or cardio machine simply because the TV is broken. You don't go to the gym very often do you? the point of exercising to get away from sitting on your fat ass watching TV and move toward standing on your fat ass being hated by me.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Boulevard of Broken Hates

...You stand on the opposite side of an exit, right in front the door. Hey cork soaker, wha tmakes you think you are above everyone else and stand in the way of 30 people a second? Why didn't you understand that you were in the way the first 79 times you got hit by the door? Why did you get angry when I pushed the door as hard as I could with my hate for you?

...You begin crossing the street when the blinking hand stops blinking. I'm ok with you begining your cross when the walk sign is gone and it's now a blinking hand, but when it stops blinking, you see how the other side of the street now has a red? You are just holding up traffic or going to be killed. Well that means you are now hit with my hate, because I'm not slowing down.

...You run a red light when there is ridiculous traffic only to block cars coming the other way through the interesection. People, we have a social contract here, you see you can't make it, so you don't, the same goes for you crosswalk violators, just follow MY rules, which happen to be the same anti hate rules that everyone else follows.

...You work in an "adorable" little boutique store on Christmas eve at 3 in the afternoon. You realize that everyone in the store forgot to buy something for their Aunt so now they have to run out at the last minute and buy some stupid christmasy basket of some sort filled with crap that she'll love. Point being, DO NOT ask every single person in a 14 person line if they want the gift wrapped. You're the only one working and everyone in line still has to hit up the liquor store for all the other last minute gifts they forgot to get, now I'm out of time so all I have is my hate.

...You are at my parents house for Christmas eve and ask me if I want to go outside for a smoke and then proceed to pull out your batty. Dude, if that's your thing, hey that's cool, but come on, we're 28 that's like soooooooo right before I got this job that has random drug tests and right before I hated you.

...You are secretly spying on people for no other reason than being a fascist. I hate you if you are spying on me for writing my previous hate that sarcastically references drug use. I hate you if you think drug use is a crime worthy of prison rather than rehab. I hate people that call authoratative figures fascists, that's so WWII. I hate you if you notice my spelling is atrotious.

...You are on the subway standing less than three inches from me, staring me in the eye, and eating your candy bar with your two huge buck teeth sticking out. Dude, I don't care that you have buck teeth, or even eating a candy bar, that's an acceptable food product to consume on a subway, as opposed to chicken wings, but the literal 3 inches from my face is creeping me out, hysterical, but creeping me out to the point of hating you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Take, Eat, This is my Hate which is given to you

...You approach the Starbucks in the lobby of my office building and notice that it's closed and instead of saying, oh that sucks, you say "OH NO, HOW AM I GOING TO GET COFFE, WE'RE DOOMED". Yes you are indeed doomed, a big hole is about to open up in the floor and suck you into the depths of hell. Forget that there is a starbucks across the street, oh and another one on the twelvth floor. No sir, you may not be doomed, but you are in fact hated.

...You constantly beg for attention, literally. You are one day from work and say, oh did you miss me? Do you like my pretty christmas sweater? Do you think I'm 10 or 11? You are an idiot if you are an adult and still need constant reassurance that you are not hated by me.

...You are at the gym and HAVE to use a cardio machine that is right next to your best girlfriend. Um why do you need to this? You both have headphones, you both hate each other because no two females can ever be friends. Oh and I hate you if you hate me for making that comment, deep down you know that you really hate your best girlfriend, she's only your best girlfriend so you can keep tabs on her to make sure that you hate her more than she hates you.

...You are a cab driver and think it's appropriate to charge 10 bucks to get from roc center to grand central, but then another 50 bucks to go to the east village. Hey, Muhammed Jihad, how does an extra 35 blocks equate to 50 bucks, you must be kidding you gouger, first you have all the oil, now you have all the cars....and all the hate.

...You speak to me in the bathroom. I don't know you, I've never met you, why do you know me? And yes I'm still in the office on the other side of the floor, I just started last week, what do you mean still? Maybe after a month or two or three, then it deserves a still, but now? It only deserves a hate.

...You call me from my old job to ask me a question. Maybe you didn't get the memo, but I quit. Now you are going trust what I tell you? Here's what you need to do. Go into the shared drive and hit select all, then hit delete. Next you want to uninstall word, excel, and anything else that starts with micro and ends in hate.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Metropolitan Transit Hate

...You work for the MTA and are about to go on strike. If I was at my last job I wouldn't have minded as much, it was only 30 blocks away, but now? Oh god, I've got about 4 miles each way to walk and since I'm such as selfish bastard, it's 20 degrees outside and it's all about me, I hate you MTA.

...You work for the MTA and are about to go on strike because you want a pension. And I'd like a 10 inch penis but some things just aren't in the cards. Why the hell should you get paid when you no longer work? Wait what am I saying, I sound like a Republican, but you know what? I won't ever get a pension, and neither will you, you'll get my hate.

...You are the MTA and are more concerned about people spilling a cup of coffee than keeping the trains running. You randomly close subway entrances making me have to go out of my way to get in. You project massive deficits yet somehow come year end you find a $900 million dollar surplus, well I've got 900 million hates, for you.

...You are the Federal government that drains tax dollars from NY and the Northeast while allowing our mass transit systems to crumble all because you want to make sure Jim Bob keeps his farm in Nebraska for another generation where you pay him to NOT grow food. Here's an idea, let us pay our ridiculous tax rates and actually benefit from the services instead of just hating.

...You are naked gym guy. Nothing to do with an impending strike, but COME ON. This is just getting ridiculous, there's no reason that I should be seeing more naked men than naked women in my life. No reason!! What's with the hands on the hips, wearing socks, and then arching your back pushing your twig and berries out as far as possible where they get nothing but hate.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Better off hated

...You have the best equipment and clothing yet suck at skiing. So you blew 5 grand on all that gear but you completely suck, you can barely make it on to a ski lift lift and snow plow all the way down the mountain on greens. You aren't fooling anyone, especially not me who hates you.

...You are "the guy" wearing jeans when skiing. At least you know you suck and didn't blow a ton of money on ski gear but seriously, you can get yourself some cheap ski pants, don't you get it? Your wearing jeans skiing, do wear them playing basketball, well yes you do, but being from the Bronx is not an excuse to escape my hate.

...You go up to Vermont for a ski weekend, go to the cheesy bars and wear the same Banana Republic stripe shirt that you wear when going to your favorite B&T midtown bar. Guy, you're in the sticks, yes the bars think they are nightclubs for some reason, but didn't you notice everyone else wearing jeans and t-shirts, maybe a fleece? You're not clubbing here, you're sitting around watching the girls with the tank asses shake them thangs on the "dance" floor and being hated by me.

...You are the dude that insisted on sitting at our table at the first bad bar we went to. So that chair was about 3 feet away from me, why did you insist on pushing it right next to me to the point that your leg was less than an inch from me? You sat down, got up to do whatever it was you were doing on the dance floor, I pushed the chair away from me, then you came right back moved in next to me again. What goes in that retardedly drunk mind of yours? and spilling your beer on my shoe will only get you hated twice as fast.

...You run one of the cheesy bars on a VT ski mountain and charge $15 just to walk in the door. I'm sorry I must have missed the velvet ropes and Richard Greco, what do you think you are running here? The worst part is, I actually paid it, putting a blonde with large breasts hanging out of her shirt at the door was a good move, well played, but you are no doubt hated.

...You card me at the bar in a ski lodge at like 3 in the afternoon. Carding me, although a compliment, gets you hated. Carding me when I order a second drink is worthy of loathing and guess what? You are loathed by me.

...You are naked gym guy that broke your own record at naked time in the locker room. After 3 days of skiing and drinking, there's nothing quite like a nice 5 mile run to end the weekend, but naked guy, please please spare the rest of the sane world and wear clothes when drying off. I mean I went to get a tissue and you are standing there right in front of them, naked, blow drying your hair with your pup dangling in the tissue box. Why the need to weigh yourself after working out? Are you weighing in for a wrestling match of some sort? You're like 50, what are you competing for, how fast you can be hated by me?

...You think it's odd that I took a day off of work after being at the new job only 4 days. Some people plan and pay for ski weekends well in advance, some people have important matters to attend to in VT on at a ski resort, some people are obnoxious assholes that hate you.

...You are at my old job and for some reason using my old computer. I'm not sure who you are or what you are trying to find on my old computer, but seriously log me off of AIM, I mean everyone on there must have asked 7 times why I didn't respond to their IMs. To people I know, I can't IM at the new job, it's an imposter trying to find the hate, don't let them in on the secret or else you run the risk of being hated by me.

...You are my old job and feel it's necessary to mail my last paycheck instead of direct deposit it. Um hello, I was going skiing for the weekend and needed that money, it's not going to me any good sitting in a mail box rather than my bank account. That reminds me, I hate you if you run a cheesy bar in VT and when asked if you have an ATM you say I can take money from a debit card for $10. I spit in your eye for that comment. I'm not some drunk idiot 21 yr old kid getting a ski weekend in after finals. I'm a drunk idiot 28 yr old kid that took a day off after starting a new job to avoid christmas shopping, look for cougers and to hate you.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Mason-Dixon Hate

...You think the bible supercedes the Constitution.

...You sought a court order to say it's okay to marry your first cousin.

...You think Jeff Foxworthy is funny because it's true.

...You voted for Bush because you're not an issues guy.

...You spend Sunday afternoons watching cars drive around in circles.

...You go to church for 5 hours with 50,000 other people.

...You think it's okay for a preacher to be a millionaire.

...You think Sadaam was responsible for 9/11.

...You call gay people, "'dem dare queers".

...You call people with common sense liberal elitists.

...You think the Bill of Rights is synonomous with the ten commandments.

...You have no idea what synonomous means.

...You went to 30 debutante balls when you were in high school.

...You see no irony in Bush claiming to restore "honor and dignity" to the White House.

...You refer to Massachusetts as taxachusetts.

...You see no hypocrisy in opposing abortion but supporting the death penalty.

...You have said the phrase "guns don't kill people, people kill people."

...You think country music and Christian rock are good.

...You don't understand what it means to conjugate a verb.

...You do not have a passport and see no reason to ever leave the country.

...You thought it was appropriate for the House to waste time in declaring that french fries will be called freedom fries, even though this is a food item, has nothing to do with the law and they were actually invented in Belgium.

...You have no idea what I mean when I saw Belgium, that's just a waffle to you.

...Your favorite movie is Top Gun because they kick some ass.

...You are white, use the N word and think nothing is wrong with it.

...You think there should be a fence on the US-Mexico border.

...You are the exact reason Canadians sew a patch of their flag on their backpacks.

...You wear shorts and florescent t-shirts on vacation, no matter where you are or the time of year.

...You own and wear a "fanny pack".

...You have been to Graceland and thought it was nice.

...You, nor anyone in your family has ever served in the military, but you love going to war.

...You always agree with Bill O'Reilly because he tells you he's right.

...You beat up the smart kid in school because he knew how to read.

...You have only owned a truck and would never consider buying a car.

...You have three kids, all with different fathers.

...You refer to anything cooked on a grill as Bar-B-Q.

...You know at least 2 people that have been on Cops.

...You still make reference to the Mason-Dixson Line and would never cross it.

...You participate in Civil War Reenactments even though you LOST.

...You only voted when someone threatened to change your state flag by removing the confederate remnants.

...You are laughing because this describes you.

...You are enraged because this describes you.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

You hate me right round, baby, right round

...You work in a shoe store and ignore me when I'm asking you a question. The one time in my life when I actually want an annoying sales person to help me, you just walk away. Not only did you walk away from me, but later as I was contemplating my hatred of you, you plow me over to get to someone that "looks" like they're about to spend a lot of money. Hey asshole, I'm starting a new job and need a couple pairs of nice new shoes, you just lost out on about $500 bucks and now all your left with is me hating you as I walk out the door.

...You are shopping for shoes and set up camp right in front of the shoes I want to try on. As if I don't hate shopping for shoes enough, you have to be in my way. You are also the same person that just stands in the middle of an aisle, not looking at shoes, not doing anything, except staring up at the ceiling and being hated by me.

...You walk through a door and immediately stop when you get on the other side. You in your bubble of a world. You obviously saw the person right in front of you keep on moving, you can't be that self centered to not notice OTHER PEOPLE. Move on sir it is time for me to hate you.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Where the Sidewalk Hates

...You ask me to actually do work on my last day of work. Maybe you didn’t get the memo, but I don’t really care what happens once I’m gone, I didn’t care what happened while I was here. I was supposed to quit last week, I stayed the extra the week because you asked, and of course there was zero point in it. Now on the last day you ask me to actually do something, I scoff at your request, but not before I hate you.

...You wear striped shirts out. I can not stand by without saying something about the striped shirts. Can someone please make a new style? Can you please shop somewhere other than Banana Republic for your clothes? Don’t you get it yet, you are cheesy, you have no personality and are a clone of everyone else in this city, yet somehow being an idiot gets you laid more than me. I guess I just hate myself for not looking like a clone, but no I say this in jest because it’s clearly you that I hate.

...You are traveling to another city and find out someone you know from home will be there the same time and insist on meeting up. We don’t hang out when were home, so why would we hang out in another city? How are we suddenly best friends? Don’t worry I won’t have to plan something, I usually end up running into you anyway, if I hate you and you’re traveling to where I’m going, well unfortunately, I’m going to run into you and then hate you.

...You are 5 feet tall and you are carrying an umbrella and still feel the need to try to lift it up over a tall person’s umbrella when passing each other. One person is 6'5" tall and if you would just leave your umbrella at it's normal height while over your head which is about 5"5" there will be no problem but no you insist on lifting your umbrella up to try to clear over the top of a tall person and get to about mid shoulder causing mass confusion on the streets. For some reason, I’m a normal height and can easily adapt when walking by a tall person or a midget like you. Leave the lifting to the tall people so I can stop hating you.

...You work at an Indian call center and use an “American” alias such as “Bob”. You are not fooling anyone here “bob”. It’s okay to go by your given name, all Americans are not ignorant, xenophobic idiots. Besides those dumb people don’t even own computers or have the wherewithal to make a call to a call center because they can’t articulate their problem into question format. So please, just go by your own name and I’ll go by mine, first name hate, last name you.

...You read out loud while you are typing. I’m pretty sure you need to have an IQ lower than the president’s to do this, and that’s low. You’re brain doesn’t have the capacity to process your thoughts, and then translate that into your fingers to hit letters on a keyboard. Yes this is a complex function for humans, so complex that I will start doing this, can you guess what I’m typing now? I hate you.

...You are a vegetarian and yet somehow are still morbidly obese. I’m not even talking about being a little overweight or even a little fat, I’m talking about being about 5’8” and weighing about 250 and being female. Vegetarians should be healthy should they not? Isn’t that the expectation? Isn’t that a rule in your vegetarian circles? Maybe that afternoon piece of cake will have to go. Or the weekly cheese parties? Who are you? Where am I? This past year has been a crazy episode of the Twilight Zone where I hate absolutely every single person I encounter, especially you.

...You fart during yoga and then try to cover it up with something even more obvious. So you farted during yoga, it happens, not to me, but I’ve heard it does. While everyone is trying to maintain composure you draw even more attention to it by slapping your hand on the floor as if to let everyone know, hey you all thought that was a fart but in reality I was slapping my hand on the floor, not a fart, got that, not a fart…..nooooo fart, just hate.

...You are thoroughly entrenched in the blog environment. You hang out all day in the blogosphere and get excited when there is a blogstorm on your daily dribble. You beg people for them to add you to your blogroll and then call them a blogsnob when they refuse. You report flogs and splogs to whomever it is you report things like that. You go out of your way to look up stupid blogspeak that no one uses just to make fun of them on your own stupid blog which is all about hating you.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Should I Hate or Should I Go

...You are on the phone with me and eating at the same time. Do you have any idea how disgusting it is to have to listen to your chewing while I’m on the other end? I have a hard enough time dealing with chewing in person, but then to have it amplified directly into my ear, it’s just disgusting. I don’t understand why it is necessary to eat right now, you can’t wait five minutes longer until we’re done or just say, I’ll call you back WHEN I’M DONE EATING? The long pauses when your taking your next bite, the ums, ah, um, this that and the other fucking thing, please stop chewing while I’m hating you.

...You wear a huge backpack on the subway during rush hour. You’re 30 and still wearing a backpack? I won’t even hate you for that, but for taking up the space of three people in a crowded subway, oh that’s hate worthy. You don’t even just take up more than your allotted space, you like turn and turn and turn and hit as many people as you possibly can thereby creating an entire circle of hate.

...You strategically flip up half of your blazer collar. You are so cool because you’re a little disheveled and you don’t care. So apathetic about your clothing, you just threw that blazer on as you were running out the door, just because. I wish it were true, but tragically, you are a loser. You painstakingly labor for hours in front of the mirror trying to get the look juuuuussst right. Get it straight, you are not 16 anymore, you are not in prep school rebelling against an authoritative figurehead. You are a banker that makes a shitload of money and has nothing better to do than to be hated by me.

...You are a girl I met a few weeks back and have a name that begins with an A and is now the first number in my phone. Ok I probably should have given you the cell phone delete by now, but I didn’t, just never thought of it. Then of course last night I’m going to dial someone’s number and somehow hit send on the first number that came up. Now I look like the loser for calling you weeks after our conversation fizzled out. I get it, there’s nothing there, I really didn’t mean to call you, either way, you suck for having a name that begins with an A even if you have no control over it and even if I hated you less.

...You are shopping in a supermarket and stop with your cart right in front of where I need to be. Apparently you think you are the only person in the entire store shopping for food. Otherwise you would have the common decency to leave room for other people to get through. Why is it taking you 15 minutes to decide between the creamy or chunky peanut butter? We all know the chunky is far superior to the creamy, why is there even any thought involved here? From now on, I’m taking your cart and just pushing it as hard as I can down the aisle so you’ll move and I’ll hate.

...You see me drinking Whiskey and then proceed to ask if I like Duwer’s. I want to make this clear, Duwer’s is like battery acid, any Whiskey that has to advertise on the subway, isn’t exactly quality, it’s cheap and it’s swill. And also, please stop calling Johnny Walker simply black label or red label or blue label…I know you are just naming things you have heard of and don’t actually know what you’re talking about. I can do that too, but I don’t, I just hate you.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

We got the hate

...You are on the subway and are hugging the center pole. Dude seriously, the 40 people crammed into this tiny space would all like to hang on to that pole, that’s why it’s there. I realize you have a latent desire to ride a pole, but there are clubs for that, the subway at 8:30AM is no place for it, it’s only a place for hate.

...You refer to making copies or sending mass emails as a “project”. Yes quite a project that any person age 7 and up can accomplish. Let’s see I give you a list of names, and you have send an email to them, yep that’s a project all right, why don’t you make that a bullet on your resume so you can a new job, get away from me, and stop being hated.

...You walk with some sort fake limp because for whatever reason you think that’s “cool”. Hey buddy, you’re not “ghetto” or “gangsta” you’re from the suburbs and are fairly well educated. I don’t understand this fascination with pretending to be poorer and dumber than you actually are, why on earth would you want to pretend like you live in a roach infested housing project living on government cheese when you live in a nice house with a yard and never have to worry about money. That’s why people are “gangsta” they’re dirt poor and have no other option. But seriously the limp thing? Kids were doing that when I was 14, I’m 28 now, get some new ideas of what’s “cool” or I’ll just have to keep hating you.

...You place an order at a deli or at similar take out feeding establishment. You order, see a large crowd around the counter waiting, each with lower numbers than you. You then proceed to push your way to the front even though you are last on the list to get their food. You stand there getting in the way of 15 other people who now have to get around your fat ass just to hate you.

...You don’t reply to all when clearly you should reply to all. There are five people copied on this email, all people that need to know what’s going on and add their two pointless cents. There is a reason I cc’d them to begin with, but apparently you have no idea what that even means because you have ask what why there’s a cc. And forget the Bcc, that’s a concept that’s four years away from your understanding. I have a new one, it’s Bch, blind carbon hate.

...You use words that way too sophisticated for spoken language. The story as to why you use your first initial then your middle name then last name (as in C. David Douchebag), is not apocryphal – who the fuck uses that in daily conversation? How about the story is not interesting, not important, not worthy to be told in my presence? This first initial business is retarded too, the only thing worse is if its followed by III or IV and you went to an Ivy league school you inbred wasp. You are worthy of one thing in my presence and that is to be hated.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Springtime for Hatred

...You have bad breathe. Not just bad breathe but the, I’ve been in my office drinking coffee all day stale breath, bad breath. It’s so bad too, on the subway home you smell at least 7 people that suffer such trauma and they’re not even near you. they’re standing 15 feet away, all 7 of them in a huddle combing their stink which then moves throughout a subway car like an acid rain cloud. These are the people that have never heard of gum, or breath mints or Listerine breath strips. And yeah I’ll say the brand name giving a freebee corporate plug, I want to make sure you stank breathes know what to buy before I hate you more.

...You reply to all on a mass email. How can I get you to understand the difference between reply to all and reply to sender? These are not complex matters, if you can’t even get this straight, how on earth do you get through your daily life? It’s so nice of you to tell the entire office of 200 people that you will be attending the Christmas party, why thank you, now I have a reason to go. No doubt you will be the subject of so much hatred, but do me the personal favor of paying attention to your replies, before I reply to you with a simple I hate you.

...You are the douchebag that said “I don’t need some accountant to buy me drinks” when I offered to get the next round of drinks. Ok so this may have been like 4 years ago and I seriously don’t hold grudges (contrary to the evidence on this blog), but this was the one and only time I met this dude, so tough shit. Let’s get another thing straight here too, I am not an accountant, nor was I ever. I may have worked at a Big 4 firm, but I prefer the catch all, I really don’t know what I do title of Consultant. Now to the point at hand, I’m out with my girlfriend of the time, her friend and her boyfriend and this guy is douche. He’s the “my parents pay my rent so I can pursue my dream of acting even though I’m ugly and have no talent” kind of kid. There’s common thing that those of us in society do, call it a formality if you must, but when someone is going to the bar to get himself a drink, well he asks everyone else if they’d like one, no matter what. It’s a rule in life. I did not want to buy your next drink either, but I know the laws of society. Here’s another law of society - I hate you.

...You are a DJ that takes his “craft” way too seriously. You stand there your ear pressed to your left shoulder with the giant headphone covering only that one ear. Your hands work a furious pace of “spinnin” and bee bop all the while. You are especially hated if you are a “DJ” in just regular bar playing crap Bon Jovi and other overplayed 80’s music, no mixing, no electronica, no creativity at all, yet when someone asks you to play a certain song you get all offended as though they just insulted your alleged talent. Making a shitty playlist is not a talent, you want shitty playlists, just look at my ipod, in the meantime I’ll keep busy hating you.

...You write BR instead of best regards in emails. When you have to abbreviate two simple words, do you really mean the regards you are intending? Worse still if you write thnx, I know those two extra letters will just kill you to write, I mean in the time it takes to write two letters, there an innumerable amount of things that can be done. If it wasn’t for these nice abbreviations, where would we be today? We’d live in a blissful world of no acronyms and no pointless abbreviations, where people like you are hated, that’s where we’d be.

...You are standing at the front of a crowded elevator and don’t move out of the way when it stops for someone else. You are in the front, there’s you then the door and about 10 people behind you. At the first stop, the doors open and you stand still. I guess you are either so self centered that you can’t be bothered with moving out of the way or you believe that some sort of magically device will allow the people behind you to morph into some kind of paper thin being for just a moment so they can slide by and then hate you.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Wake me up, before you go Hate

...You are pissed off because I waited a mere 4 days between posts. Um, yeah, you’ve apparently been spoiled with the daily posts. For that, I’m going to try to find a way for you to have only limited access to the hate. Sometimes I get haters block, sometimes the rage just consumes too much of my daily life, so until my next hate, you can know that I only have hate for you.

...You are AOL Time Warner. You didn’t process our last payment properly and felt the need to shut off our cable at 11:17 AM on Saturday. Yes that makes perfect sense, how do you arrive at this time? How is it possible to not be able to speak to a live person on your touchtone phone service? Why was I hung up on three times? You have quite the racket going, make your customers give up they’re entire day to wait in line at your store to have the guy say, prove that you paid, when it’s done electronically. Well I need proof from you, proof that I don’t hate you.

...You feel you and your time is so much more important than 400 other people waiting in line. Asshole, we all have numbers, it's all first come, first serve, there’s nothing you can do about it. Shouting at the entire store is not going to get you anywhere except hated by me.

...You are on a train talking on your phone and talking at a volume where the entire car can hear you. Not only are you loud, but the topics you are discussing are simply amazing and should not be discussed over the phone at all, let alone over the phone in public. Having an abortion is private matter as are STDs. Keep it down for your own sake before I hate you some more.

...You are obstructing my view of a cute girl while I’m on the subway. Um excuse me, do you see that CG standing behind you? well before you got in the way, I was staring at her to the point where she was starting to feel uncomfortable. If I have to be cramped on the L, smooshed up against the door with one arm the air and one leg lifted, then I better be able to gapingly stare at the cute girl or the too cool for school hipster chick or anyone else that might be hating you.

...You are on the subway and refuse to hang on to the handles and then wonder why you are falling all over the place when the train moves. You see the bars are there for a reason, for you to hold. I don’t want your fat ass falling into me when the train starts moving and neither does anyone else. I don’t want to hear that there are germs, try washing your hands before you lick your fingers to get the very last bit of artificial nachoy dorito flavoring and before I hate you.

...You were on the uptown 9 train Friday December 2 around 8 PM. This was the single most bizarre subway ride of my life and will always remain so, aside from a murder or view of public copulation. I enter this magical mystery ride at 14th street, the doors close and the fun begins. The first thing I notice is a man standing opposite me in a bright red and white suit. Now the suit is actually white with bright red writing of some kind, I’m guessing it said Sean Jean, and on the seat was his bright red leather jacket. He finds that it's appropriate to see how close he spit next to me without actually spitting on me. It’s a fun game for all involved. But we’re not even done with this one patron. My favorite part of his existence was his listening to music with an old school discman. He is doing some kind of dance that resembles the humpty dance, arms flailing all over the place, legs in the air, border line falling over. It gets better still. While all this dancing and spitting is taking place he is yelling, and yelling loudly. Of all the words that came out of his mouth, the N word was every other one. I think you all know what this word is, I’m not allowed to write or say it, but he can, I guess. His final glorious attribute was every 10 seconds or so between his N bombs and dancing, he’d stop and stare at me with his crackhead smile, like he either wanted to eat me or violently sodomize me, either way he could obviously smell the anxiety. Although he was the highlight of my subway ride, there were others. Example, the pan handler wearing an all leather suit whose line to would be suckers was “only in NY can a man wear a leather suit and beg for cash”. Another treat was the drunken Irishman, I mean seriously would you expect anything else, who’s American Idol aspirations manifested themselves at the 23rd street station, but I believe he was auditioning for the dirty version because the only words I understood were Fuck and Pussy, repeatedly and he wasn't so muh singing as he was screaming and the tone was more a Limmerick. So to all those undertook such a wonderful tour of NY’s finest I say, I hate you.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

International Man of Hate

...You are Eurotrash. The all black look pretty much went out with the 90’s so please do us all the favor and stop. Not only are you wearing all black skin tight nylon clothes, but you load up on cologne, you listen to only techno and you chain smoke. You frequent hooka bars for some reason, as if flavored tobacco is the end all be all. Your favorite pastime is to tell Americans how much they suck and how much better life is in the old country because people there don’t give a shit they only get shit, my hate.

...You sold my roommate that annoying bird 15 years or so ago. First I don’t know what would possess you to want a bird or what pothead convinced you that it would be cool. Did you not realize that loud screeching noise would only magnify 10,000X in an apartment? I’m sure the store owner thought it would be funny, ha ha, I’ll sell this 17 yr old kid a bird that will outlive him, he’ll be stuck with that thing the rest of his life. Thanks asshole, did you ever consider there would be other people involved here? No you didn’t, consider this, it’s 15 years later and now me, my roommate and the bird all hate you.

...You are at a party and gravitate towards the kitchen. What’s up with the kitchen, why are you all so drawn to it? is it your obsessive culture of eating? No matter the party, the house or the kitchen, it will indeed be packed with people. My kitchen is rather large for NY it’s about 3X3, we had at least 10 people in there at a recent party, all of you standing around just being hated by me.

...You insist on reporting every tropical storm and insignificant hurricane on national news. Can someone please tear out my eyes and shove sharpened pencils in my ears, I can’t fucking take it anymore. I don’t need to hear about every little storm in the Caribbean. There are other things happening in the world, in case you didn’t notice we started a war in the dessert, but for some reason running out of names for hurricane is more important. Unless it’s another catastrophic storm, keep it in the local news PLEASE, I don’t want to hear it. In other news, I hate you.

...You feel the need to have a conversation directly in front of my office. Not only are the two of you speaking in direct of earshot of me, but you are both speaking at the same time and borderline shouting. It is not necessary to speak so loud, it is not necessary or even productive to both be speaking at the same time or walk around in a huff slamming things on desks all while I’m hating you.

...You have lived in New York City for over 20 years yet don’t understand that Queens, Brooklyn, the Bronx and even Staten Island are all part of New York City. I really don’t even know what to say to that. There are no words to express my utter fascination with the bubble in which you live, other than I hate you.