Friday, December 30, 2005

Absolute Hate, Corrupts Absolutely

...You make a color coded graph and use colors that are almost identical. This year’s profits are in blue, last year’s are in light blue, 2003’s are in teal, 2002 is in aqua, then you will notice our profits compared to market which has been highlighted in sky blue, and you will notice industry shown in a lighter shade of hate.

...You walk around the office with your blackberry attached to your belt. Do you work for the volunteer firefighters? I know it’s rough to be a whole 25 feet away from your computer while you poop or get coffee, but wearing that beltpack is entirely unnecessary. It’s kind of like your own little power source that let’s you zip all over the office to earn two nicknames, zippy and hated-by-me.

...You are a reporter/New Yorker and feel the need to pat yourself on the back for being resilient in the face of adversity. I guess walking a couple miles in the cold makes you a tough new Yorker, “they” keep throwing things at you and somehow you manage to get by, how doooo you do it? I’ll tell you, because you have to. These things tend to happen to the largest cities and NY being NY gets more press coverage anyway. My favorite was after “the black out” two years ago, some homeless guy was selling T-shirts that said, “first 9/11, then the blackout, what next NYC?” didn’t that blackout shut down the entire northeast? I’ll tell you what’s next, the wrath of my hate.

...You call my office phone thinking it’s the person that used to have this extension and then try to sell me something just because I’m on the phone. How did you not understand that this is an office? Do people normally answer their home phones by stating their name and company? I can picture you at home answering the phone saying: Annoying Customer Service Rep, how can I hate you?

...You come into my office right after I fart. Part of the joy of having an office is the ability to drop bombs at will, then you have to come over to my office and catch me in the act and ruin it for everyone. Now there is going to be gas buildup, people will be walking around the office bloated, their fat guts hanging out even further than normal, and then from time to time we’ll all have to endure the loud bangs that erupt from the bathroom when the gas is released filled with hate.

...You pronounce the ‘h’ in words like “what” or “where” or “whom”. Were you taught the same English as me? Maybe they changed the lesson plan somewhere along the way, but last I checked the ‘h’ is silent. I realize that you are the same person that says “leever” when pronouncing the word “lever”, but the silent ‘h’s are too far. You’ve crossed the line with me. Its as though you are telling everyone, I’m so sophisticated, I only go to the opera and art exhibits, have dinner with the governor, and hob knob with people that hate you.

...You set up camp on the sidewalk when trying to figure out where you are going. What is it with you people? You come from your small town and have no concept of what to do in a big city. Hmm how do I get to 48th street? Well Einstein, you are on 55th so try walking 7 blocks, you dig? And why are you touristing with your infant children in NY, in the winter? No thought went into that one did it? When you get lost, yes, please, stop in the middle of a busy sidewalk, all 14 of you, forming a wall of hated humans.

2 comments:

Mary said...

And on the subject of stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, could you all possibly look up toward the sky and point so that you are completely oblivious to those around you???? Or even better, pull out a map and gather round it. That way we can lift your wallets while we are hating you.

Doofi said...

then walk another block stop, stare up into the sky at the next tall building. you get it? they're all tall, it's a tiny little island and we need space, space to hate.