Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Boulevard of Broken Hates

...You stand on the opposite side of an exit, right in front the door. Hey cork soaker, wha tmakes you think you are above everyone else and stand in the way of 30 people a second? Why didn't you understand that you were in the way the first 79 times you got hit by the door? Why did you get angry when I pushed the door as hard as I could with my hate for you?

...You begin crossing the street when the blinking hand stops blinking. I'm ok with you begining your cross when the walk sign is gone and it's now a blinking hand, but when it stops blinking, you see how the other side of the street now has a red? You are just holding up traffic or going to be killed. Well that means you are now hit with my hate, because I'm not slowing down.

...You run a red light when there is ridiculous traffic only to block cars coming the other way through the interesection. People, we have a social contract here, you see you can't make it, so you don't, the same goes for you crosswalk violators, just follow MY rules, which happen to be the same anti hate rules that everyone else follows.

...You work in an "adorable" little boutique store on Christmas eve at 3 in the afternoon. You realize that everyone in the store forgot to buy something for their Aunt so now they have to run out at the last minute and buy some stupid christmasy basket of some sort filled with crap that she'll love. Point being, DO NOT ask every single person in a 14 person line if they want the gift wrapped. You're the only one working and everyone in line still has to hit up the liquor store for all the other last minute gifts they forgot to get, now I'm out of time so all I have is my hate.

...You are at my parents house for Christmas eve and ask me if I want to go outside for a smoke and then proceed to pull out your batty. Dude, if that's your thing, hey that's cool, but come on, we're 28 that's like soooooooo right before I got this job that has random drug tests and right before I hated you.

...You are secretly spying on people for no other reason than being a fascist. I hate you if you are spying on me for writing my previous hate that sarcastically references drug use. I hate you if you think drug use is a crime worthy of prison rather than rehab. I hate people that call authoratative figures fascists, that's so WWII. I hate you if you notice my spelling is atrotious.

...You are on the subway standing less than three inches from me, staring me in the eye, and eating your candy bar with your two huge buck teeth sticking out. Dude, I don't care that you have buck teeth, or even eating a candy bar, that's an acceptable food product to consume on a subway, as opposed to chicken wings, but the literal 3 inches from my face is creeping me out, hysterical, but creeping me out to the point of hating you.


elvira black said...

Random drug tests? What's not to hate?

Those eating on the subway are now subject to fine, imprisonment, or banishment to Randall's Island. Report the buck toothed bastard to the local authorities.

jessie said...

anyone crossing the street when they're not supposed to deserves to be hit. if they're that stupid then we'll call it population control!
the buck teeth person, how funny, i'd had to laugh in their face and make fun!