Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Edward ScissorHate

...You work in a hair salon and only know how to do three different hair cuts. You know how to shave a head, do the standard a little longer on top but short on the sides, or nothing at all. I haven't had my hair cut since June, when I got haircut number 2, it's been a wonderful ride since. Watching my hair go through different lengths truly a great experience. But like all good things, the hair growing experiment had to end. How did I know it was time? Well, when another Jerry Seinfeld look-a-like sat near me at lunch today, well then I knew. There are only so many times someone can call you Jerry before you go insane, especially since I think I look nothing like him. Perhaps the back of my hair was a tad mulletish, but I liked it. The moral of the story here folks is that if you go to a salon for a haircut and say take an inch and a half off all around then thin it out, just know you have no control over it, sit back and don't ask questions when they take the clipper out. My god, I'm insane to have thought they wouldn't have completely fucked it up, I went from 4 to 5 inches (OF HAIR PEOPLE) to barely half an inch. I'm now only a 1/4 of the man I used to be, because I hate you.

...You say why don't you get them all cut when someone says I'm getting my hair cut. So did you come up with that one yourself? I know you are just being stupid and joking around, but only I can say that, otherwise, you are just hated by me.

...You are in orientation at a new job and feel the need to either ask the dumbest questions or to make comments throughout the entire time. We've all had jobs before, we've all gotten the benefits lecture, we don't need you to chyme in every two seconds with, oh yes I agree, well even if you live in another state you can get your doctor there. Really? You mean it? You are really hated by me?

...You have ever said "there is no such thing as a stupid question". The only reason you said that was because someone just asked you a stupid question. There are pretty much ONLY stupid questions. When I was in school I dreamt of becoming a teacher for the sole purpose of saying on day one, contrary to popular belief, there are such things as stupid questions, think before you ask one, or else you will be hated by me.

...You are at the gym and refuse to workout on a treadmill or cardio machine simply because the TV is broken. You don't go to the gym very often do you? the point of exercising to get away from sitting on your fat ass watching TV and move toward standing on your fat ass being hated by me.

3 comments:

doc said...

two consecutive days of hate? Beautiful work... i feel whole again.

jessie said...

i love making fun of people who ask stupid questions!

Doofi said...

i love hating people that ask stupid questions.