Thursday, December 01, 2005

International Man of Hate

...You are Eurotrash. The all black look pretty much went out with the 90’s so please do us all the favor and stop. Not only are you wearing all black skin tight nylon clothes, but you load up on cologne, you listen to only techno and you chain smoke. You frequent hooka bars for some reason, as if flavored tobacco is the end all be all. Your favorite pastime is to tell Americans how much they suck and how much better life is in the old country because people there don’t give a shit they only get shit, my hate.

...You sold my roommate that annoying bird 15 years or so ago. First I don’t know what would possess you to want a bird or what pothead convinced you that it would be cool. Did you not realize that loud screeching noise would only magnify 10,000X in an apartment? I’m sure the store owner thought it would be funny, ha ha, I’ll sell this 17 yr old kid a bird that will outlive him, he’ll be stuck with that thing the rest of his life. Thanks asshole, did you ever consider there would be other people involved here? No you didn’t, consider this, it’s 15 years later and now me, my roommate and the bird all hate you.

...You are at a party and gravitate towards the kitchen. What’s up with the kitchen, why are you all so drawn to it? is it your obsessive culture of eating? No matter the party, the house or the kitchen, it will indeed be packed with people. My kitchen is rather large for NY it’s about 3X3, we had at least 10 people in there at a recent party, all of you standing around just being hated by me.

...You insist on reporting every tropical storm and insignificant hurricane on national news. Can someone please tear out my eyes and shove sharpened pencils in my ears, I can’t fucking take it anymore. I don’t need to hear about every little storm in the Caribbean. There are other things happening in the world, in case you didn’t notice we started a war in the dessert, but for some reason running out of names for hurricane is more important. Unless it’s another catastrophic storm, keep it in the local news PLEASE, I don’t want to hear it. In other news, I hate you.

...You feel the need to have a conversation directly in front of my office. Not only are the two of you speaking in direct of earshot of me, but you are both speaking at the same time and borderline shouting. It is not necessary to speak so loud, it is not necessary or even productive to both be speaking at the same time or walk around in a huff slamming things on desks all while I’m hating you.

...You have lived in New York City for over 20 years yet don’t understand that Queens, Brooklyn, the Bronx and even Staten Island are all part of New York City. I really don’t even know what to say to that. There are no words to express my utter fascination with the bubble in which you live, other than I hate you.


jessie said...

a friend of mine had a parrot we taught him to call my ex an asshole and a dickhead every time he came in, being he was friends with my friends brother! it was truely funny, this bird always hated him and bit him every chance he got. i don't like parrots but i liked this one.

Stefanie said...

If when I ask you "Have a nice holiday?" and you proceed to tell me all about it including the menu, about your annoying aunt who doesn't stop nagging you, etc etc ( I could go on forever). I asked to be polite a simple, yes thank you would have bene sufficient. I have an annoying family and holidays are truly justa pain for me but that is what I say when someone asks me. Get over yourself, no one really cares.

Doc said...

You're killing me, smalls... Two days this week without a blog. Yeah, yeah, new job, blah, blah, blah. Your fans need you. This is total BS.

Doofi said...

It's called haters block, get over it.