Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Springtime for Hatred

...You have bad breathe. Not just bad breathe but the, I’ve been in my office drinking coffee all day stale breath, bad breath. It’s so bad too, on the subway home you smell at least 7 people that suffer such trauma and they’re not even near you. they’re standing 15 feet away, all 7 of them in a huddle combing their stink which then moves throughout a subway car like an acid rain cloud. These are the people that have never heard of gum, or breath mints or Listerine breath strips. And yeah I’ll say the brand name giving a freebee corporate plug, I want to make sure you stank breathes know what to buy before I hate you more.

...You reply to all on a mass email. How can I get you to understand the difference between reply to all and reply to sender? These are not complex matters, if you can’t even get this straight, how on earth do you get through your daily life? It’s so nice of you to tell the entire office of 200 people that you will be attending the Christmas party, why thank you, now I have a reason to go. No doubt you will be the subject of so much hatred, but do me the personal favor of paying attention to your replies, before I reply to you with a simple I hate you.

...You are the douchebag that said “I don’t need some accountant to buy me drinks” when I offered to get the next round of drinks. Ok so this may have been like 4 years ago and I seriously don’t hold grudges (contrary to the evidence on this blog), but this was the one and only time I met this dude, so tough shit. Let’s get another thing straight here too, I am not an accountant, nor was I ever. I may have worked at a Big 4 firm, but I prefer the catch all, I really don’t know what I do title of Consultant. Now to the point at hand, I’m out with my girlfriend of the time, her friend and her boyfriend and this guy is douche. He’s the “my parents pay my rent so I can pursue my dream of acting even though I’m ugly and have no talent” kind of kid. There’s common thing that those of us in society do, call it a formality if you must, but when someone is going to the bar to get himself a drink, well he asks everyone else if they’d like one, no matter what. It’s a rule in life. I did not want to buy your next drink either, but I know the laws of society. Here’s another law of society - I hate you.

...You are a DJ that takes his “craft” way too seriously. You stand there your ear pressed to your left shoulder with the giant headphone covering only that one ear. Your hands work a furious pace of “spinnin” and bee bop all the while. You are especially hated if you are a “DJ” in just regular bar playing crap Bon Jovi and other overplayed 80’s music, no mixing, no electronica, no creativity at all, yet when someone asks you to play a certain song you get all offended as though they just insulted your alleged talent. Making a shitty playlist is not a talent, you want shitty playlists, just look at my ipod, in the meantime I’ll keep busy hating you.

...You write BR instead of best regards in emails. When you have to abbreviate two simple words, do you really mean the regards you are intending? Worse still if you write thnx, I know those two extra letters will just kill you to write, I mean in the time it takes to write two letters, there an innumerable amount of things that can be done. If it wasn’t for these nice abbreviations, where would we be today? We’d live in a blissful world of no acronyms and no pointless abbreviations, where people like you are hated, that’s where we’d be.

...You are standing at the front of a crowded elevator and don’t move out of the way when it stops for someone else. You are in the front, there’s you then the door and about 10 people behind you. At the first stop, the doors open and you stand still. I guess you are either so self centered that you can’t be bothered with moving out of the way or you believe that some sort of magically device will allow the people behind you to morph into some kind of paper thin being for just a moment so they can slide by and then hate you.

7 comments:

elvira black said...

Thank goodness your badass haters block has dissipated. BR in hate...

Doofi said...

thnx sometimes hate just drains my "mental faculties" as an MBA grad would say.

Mary said...

I hate you if you are a white guy who talks like a black person only when you are around black people. The rest of the time you sound like my high school science teacher from Rochester. You think that if you say stuff like, "Ya hurd me???" 3 or 4 times I won't notice that you're a nerd? You aren't making me think you are cool. You are making me think that I hate you.

cleverabuse said...

so much hate so little time. as soon as all is sorted out here i would love to possibly do a little exchange again. im sure i will have a little funeral and condolence hate to share. let me know

jj said...

I hate you if I leave you repeated messages about a party and never hear back...

Doofi said...

I hate you if you didn't get it the first time when I said I'm going to the party...

jessie said...

i hate bad breath! even more when the stinky person wants to talk to you or breath in your direction! yuk!