Friday, December 09, 2005

Where the Sidewalk Hates

...You ask me to actually do work on my last day of work. Maybe you didn’t get the memo, but I don’t really care what happens once I’m gone, I didn’t care what happened while I was here. I was supposed to quit last week, I stayed the extra the week because you asked, and of course there was zero point in it. Now on the last day you ask me to actually do something, I scoff at your request, but not before I hate you.

...You wear striped shirts out. I can not stand by without saying something about the striped shirts. Can someone please make a new style? Can you please shop somewhere other than Banana Republic for your clothes? Don’t you get it yet, you are cheesy, you have no personality and are a clone of everyone else in this city, yet somehow being an idiot gets you laid more than me. I guess I just hate myself for not looking like a clone, but no I say this in jest because it’s clearly you that I hate.

...You are traveling to another city and find out someone you know from home will be there the same time and insist on meeting up. We don’t hang out when were home, so why would we hang out in another city? How are we suddenly best friends? Don’t worry I won’t have to plan something, I usually end up running into you anyway, if I hate you and you’re traveling to where I’m going, well unfortunately, I’m going to run into you and then hate you.

...You are 5 feet tall and you are carrying an umbrella and still feel the need to try to lift it up over a tall person’s umbrella when passing each other. One person is 6'5" tall and if you would just leave your umbrella at it's normal height while over your head which is about 5"5" there will be no problem but no you insist on lifting your umbrella up to try to clear over the top of a tall person and get to about mid shoulder causing mass confusion on the streets. For some reason, I’m a normal height and can easily adapt when walking by a tall person or a midget like you. Leave the lifting to the tall people so I can stop hating you.

...You work at an Indian call center and use an “American” alias such as “Bob”. You are not fooling anyone here “bob”. It’s okay to go by your given name, all Americans are not ignorant, xenophobic idiots. Besides those dumb people don’t even own computers or have the wherewithal to make a call to a call center because they can’t articulate their problem into question format. So please, just go by your own name and I’ll go by mine, first name hate, last name you.

...You read out loud while you are typing. I’m pretty sure you need to have an IQ lower than the president’s to do this, and that’s low. You’re brain doesn’t have the capacity to process your thoughts, and then translate that into your fingers to hit letters on a keyboard. Yes this is a complex function for humans, so complex that I will start doing this, can you guess what I’m typing now? I hate you.

...You are a vegetarian and yet somehow are still morbidly obese. I’m not even talking about being a little overweight or even a little fat, I’m talking about being about 5’8” and weighing about 250 and being female. Vegetarians should be healthy should they not? Isn’t that the expectation? Isn’t that a rule in your vegetarian circles? Maybe that afternoon piece of cake will have to go. Or the weekly cheese parties? Who are you? Where am I? This past year has been a crazy episode of the Twilight Zone where I hate absolutely every single person I encounter, especially you.

...You fart during yoga and then try to cover it up with something even more obvious. So you farted during yoga, it happens, not to me, but I’ve heard it does. While everyone is trying to maintain composure you draw even more attention to it by slapping your hand on the floor as if to let everyone know, hey you all thought that was a fart but in reality I was slapping my hand on the floor, not a fart, got that, not a fart…..nooooo fart, just hate.

...You are thoroughly entrenched in the blog environment. You hang out all day in the blogosphere and get excited when there is a blogstorm on your daily dribble. You beg people for them to add you to your blogroll and then call them a blogsnob when they refuse. You report flogs and splogs to whomever it is you report things like that. You go out of your way to look up stupid blogspeak that no one uses just to make fun of them on your own stupid blog which is all about hating you.

4 comments:

ain't no holla back girl said...

yes, uh ah..so true, so true (nodding and shaking my head excessively)

elvira black said...

Hope your new job is not too hateful--or wait a minute, maybe I hope it is. I'm not sure. I don't want to be selfish.

Doofi said...

Thanks Elvira, one can never be too selfish. Working near roc center will no doubt provide for all new hate.

jessie said...

man u surely will come across alot of idiots working near rocka fellar center! especially during the christmes season!make some fun of it, count how many idiots you see taking pics of the tree every day, gawking like it's the first time they ever seen a big tree! bet it's alot. LOL!
i told my hubby years ago if i ever got to the 200 pound mark to harpoon me! god i can't imagine. i have a cousin who's 5'5 and is about 240 and i made a comment about her fat ass and she replied she just had a baby. i was like look your kid's 4 now, no longer a baby, stop keeping little debbie in business and exercise! how hard is it?!