Friday, September 30, 2005

Quick I hate you

...You wear a scarf in September when it's 60 degress only in the morning. I swear I can't even count how many people were wearing scarves this morning, it's about 62 at 8 in the morning so somehow that warrants a scarf? It shouldn't bother me, yet it does. The scarf this morning bothers me more than the guy that breaks out shorts in March when we get that one day that is kind of nice. Actually, wait, i hate you both equally.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

This will hurt me more than it hates you

...You ask the omnipresent question at work…are we having fun yet? What does this mean and why do you continue to say it? Can you think of nothing better to day? Are you being ironic? Oh, well, that IS funny, I get it, you mean you really are NOT having fun, so now you are asking if we are? Wow, how did you come up with that? And how do you continue to come up with that same “joke”, day after day after day? I mean after the first 25 times heard it, I was still thinking, how does she do it, how does she continue to come up with such fresh material like that? I tell you, this place is insaaaanity, the constant humor just really keeps you going. Oh and that one when you ask if it’s cold enough for me, oh wow, I’m really looking forward to the winter, just to hear that joke, it’s THAT good, I mean I’m still laughing about the is it hot enough for you joke, I’ve retold that one countless times.

...You walk around the office barefoot or in socks. Feet are a precarious subject, you really don’t know what you are going to get. You might have odor problems, you might toe nail problems, hairy feet, stumpy feet, missing toes, yellow toes. Whatever the foot, there is always something wrong with it. Feet are gross, they are utilitarian, these people with the foot fetish, I don’t get you either, but to stay centered here, leave the shoes on in the office. Have some dignity man, some self respect, some simple consideration for others.

...You don’t say thank you when I hold the door for you. This is a common courtesy, I do something nice for you, you reply with a simple thank you. I realize that you are special and deserve to have doors held for you, you should expect it, it would be rude if someone didn’t, so naturally why should you thank them. You want to know why? Because the next time I see you, I’m going shut the door in your face, then hold it shut so you can’t open it, then I’ll laugh and laugh, maybe I’ll even point, all because I hate you.

...You are a consultant of some kind and as soon as someone raises and issue or question, your first reaction is to ask “who do I bill?” Can you please have some tact in doing business? We all know that “consultants” were created in a CIA lab in 1973 to bill people for doing nothing, but do you have to be so obvious? I know you work to make money, I get that, but how about a ‘no problem’, or maybe a follow up question for clarification? No, straight to the fees. You’ve become everything you said you would never become back when you were 19 and pulling from the 3 footer. What happened to you man…you changed….i hate you…

...You have ever sent spam email. Your world is full of small penises and mortgage refinancing, I’m not sure how email has been reduced to this, what went wrong? Does anyone ever fall for your longevity potions or debt reduction gimmicks? I hate the people that actually respond to these emails even more. Don’t you get it? you are giving purpose to a pointless sector of our economy. For anyone with a small penis, there is nothing you can do man, I’m sorry, get an operation if you must, but don’t support the spammers, it can’t be THAT small. And to the homeowners, try legitimate banks for your loans if they have solicit via email, probably not legit….did I just write “via”? What have I become?…and you have no long lost relative that just died and now you don’t stand to inherit millions of dollars…

...You are sending a fax, you have the wrong number, you hear loud obnoxious sounds (i.e.BEEP BEEP), then walk away. Oh and you do this right outside my office mind you. As pleasing to the ear as that beeping sound may be, I prefer that it go away. When you dial a phone number and it find out it doesn’t work, do you put the phone down and walk away? NO you hang it up, a fax machine works the same way, you see that big red button that says “stop”? well you guessed it, that stops the call and all that noise. And what is your deal with sending faxes? Why does it never, ever work for you? After 30 years have you not learned that you also have to dial ‘9’ to get out of the office or ‘011’ to dial international? Is this such a complicated process that you need trial and error everytime you go attempt to send a fax, which is 10 times a day? Here’s a fax….I HATE YOU.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Attack of the I hate you's

…You drive slow in the left lane. I don’t want to hear, oh I’m doing the speed limit, you can’t get mad at me. That’s like being 4 years old standing next to your sister pointing in her face saying, I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you. Or you are a lawyer because “technically” you are not going too slow. But let it be known, you are hated by many, just because the speed limit says 55, it doesn’t mean that you should go 55 in the left lane, commonly known as the PASSING lane. Do you hear that? The passing lane, people use this lane to pass slow drivers like yourself. When we have to go to the middle or right lane to pass you, you can be sure to know that you are indeed hated.

…You use one of those umbrellas that are wider than the sidewalk. Why is it that all the normal people in this city can use a sensible umbrella and go about their business but for some reason you need to carry a tarp over your head? This umbrella is so big you have to hire 4 off duty bicycle delivery guys to carry it for you. But then when people bump into your personal mobile tent, you get mad at them. Do you think you are THAT worthy? If you were, I would expect you to have your own car and driver, you would definitely not need to be walking outside in the rain, I therefore hate you.

…You are one of the drift walkers. Let me explain. I am walking behind you and you are walking too slowly, I move to pass by you on the left hand side, but what do you do? You gradually just drift to the left getting in my way. Apparently you were absent on the day they taught the whole walking in a straight line thing. This not only happens on the sidewalks, it can be found on any highway, people just drifting into another lane, apparently the lanes are extra wide, do whatever you want, because there’s no one else on the road, it’s all yours.

…After two hurricanes damage the oil industry you respond by saying we need more oil. That is a completely asinine response. There’s a traffic jam, I know how to solve it, send more cars. How about using those huge tax breaks you gave to the oil companies two months ago and use them for research and development of new energy that doesn’t come from the people that are trying to kill us. It’s a completely retarded system, energy independence doesn’t come from drilling in Alaska, it’ll come from something grown in those stupid midwestern states that continue to vote against their own interests. How about we stop paying farmers to NOT grow food and start turning some of our crops into energy?

…You provide some kind of service to people and provide your service at the last possible moment or when it’s too late. Example. Imagine if you will, that you are a lawyer, you are asked by a client at 9 in the morning to provide an answer today. In the normal world of business, when someone says today, they would like that answer somewhere before 5PM of their own time zone. As a lawyer, well today could be anytime from 9 in the morning EST to 11:59 HI Time, because technically speaking by the legal sense of the word “today” well that could mean today anywhere in the country, how was I to know, you never specified, really that’s no one’s fault but your own. So basically I hate you lawyers, yes that’s right LAWYERS, that find every possible way to evade any responsibility for your actions or should I say lack thereof. When I say today, I mean by 5PM EST TODAY.

…You tell “cute” stories about your pets. I don’t care if you’re an animal person or not, but your animal is your pet, not mine. I don’t like your pet, I don’t like stories about your annoying pet. If your cat was hiding in a bag or handing from a tree limb, I don’t want to hear about it, there’s debate that this even cute at all, but at most, it’s only you that thinks this, we don’t need to know. If you see a squirrel opening an acorn, it’s not some supernatural event, this happens all the time, don’t point and look to say awwwweee how cute. Yes a squirrel is eating, when you eat it’s like a cow chewing grass, yeah I don’t want to see that either, I hate you.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Whatever I feel like hating...GOSH

...You sit in the window seat on an airplane and get up to use the restroom 4 or more times on a 2 hour flight from NY to Florida. Who does this? Who can possible pee or poo that many times in 2 hours? I realize you rushed to be the first one on the plane so maybe you were trapped for 2.5 instead of 2 hours, but more than 4 times? This happens on every flight no matter where I’m going. Try not drinking that 64 oz of Diet Coke. And, who the hell drinks 64 ounces of diet coke? No wonder you had to buy two tickets for the flight. I’ve been on an 8 hour flight to Europe and didn’t get up once. 2 hour flight, I’ll give you one time, use it wisely, because from now on when I’m in the aisle seat and you have to go, all you're gonna hear from me is I hate you.

...You think Bon Jovi encompasses all you need to know for 80’s music. I find this more sad than aggravating, but hate you nonetheless. The 80’s gave us such artistic masterpieces like The Safety Dance and varied artists from the Thompson Twins to Mister Mister and all you can come up with is Bon Jovi? You obviously think Sutton Place and McFadden’s are “da bomb” (for those of you not from NY, picture the cheesiest Frat party from your college days, then put it in a bar), but seriously trying coming up with your own personality. You know what? I no longer feel sorry for you, I simply flat out hate you.

...You walk by someone smoking a cigarette outside and make a face of utter disgust and wave your hand in front of your face or hold your nose. What do you think is going to happen to you by walking past a smoker? I can understand the complaints if indoors, but we’re talking about being outside on a sidewalk or street where you can actually get out of the way of smoke. What do you think is coming out of all those trucks and cars on a constant basis? You can somehow accept that, but not a tiny stream of smoke that you can barely smell? Not to mention that you are not a child, making faces in disgust is certainly becoming for a 45 yr old woman. You gotta love NY, where people are so indulged in themselves and their “art”, that they never actually become adults.

...You complain that it’s too cold in the office. Must every woman in an office complain that it’s too cold? Room temperature is 68 to 70 degrees, in the summer the A/C is on to keep it, 68 to 70 degrees. Don’t complain that it’s too cold, put on a sweater, 68 degrees is actually a little too warm for my taste, but you see I can't sit around in my boxers, otherwise I would, I’m already down to as little clothing as I can, but you, you can layer. Also, what’s with turning the heat up to 80 or 85 in the winter? Yes it’s cold OUTSIDE, you need to counter this with tropical heat? When it’s 85 in the summer, you turn on the AC so why on earth would turn up the heat to 85 in the winter, that’s completely illogical and idiotic, I hate you.

...You hear someone sneeze and make a stupid comment about how they must be “coming down with something”. So how old are you? Have you never sneezed before? Lots of things make people sneeze other than being in sick. In fact, I have never sneezed when I was sick, so actually what you say makes absolutely no sense and is just flat out annoying. Have you ever smelled pepper? Here try it, oh you must be coming down with something, a little case of me hating you.

...You have a belly that hangs over the top of your pants, yet you continue to wear belly shirts. I don’t think we need any more detail on this one do we? Really? No…not really.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Gleaming the I hate you

...You still do not understand the EZ pass lane. There are signs for about 3 miles before the toll that say EZ pass lane, they are colored pink and white, always have been. Yet somehow, this is such a foreign concept and so confusing to you that you have to try this lane out, well hell, there’s no one in this lane right? I’ll go here, look honey, all those other people are idiots....yes sir you’re really showing off now, backing up an entire lane, waiting to get your summons, you suck, I hate you.

...You are under 5 feet 4 inches tall and drive a monstrosity of a car, or tank rather. Love to see the suburban mommy driving round in that escalade or Land Rover. Don’t they drive land rovers in like Africa where there are no roads and people actually need 4-wheel drive? Aren’t you even more pleased with that purchase now that gas is about $3.50 a gallon? And why is it that people who own these tanks have no idea how to drive them or do they just think they own the road? I mean they’re worse than a UN diplomat driving those things…and that’s bad. Go back to the mini-van, I hate you.

...You have a car alarm. Has anyone ever come running when a car alarm goes off? Has this ever deterred anyone from actually stealing a car? When I hear a car alarm, I never, ever, ever, even think that a car is being stolen, all I think is that some asshole like you was dumb enough to buy one and even dumber to turn it on. I know nothing about cars or electronics and I can disable one in 10 seconds. You stupid, stupid, stupid person…

...You refer to anyone working in a position lower than you as “staff”. When you were first hired, the interns were staff, you got promoted, then everyone in your old position was staff, you were promoted to manager, everyone below you…staff. You’re a VP, oh yeah the managers are now staff. I hate to tell you but everyone is staff except for the senior executives/partners. Making yourself appear to be more important than you are is commonplace in corporate America, I guess because people have wasted years and years of their lives sitting in a 4X4 cube making someone else rich, the only thing they have to show for their sorry existence is their job and when their job sucks, they embellish as much as anyone will believe. What happens when the rich guys decide they need to be even richer and cut staff? Well now you’re the worst staff there is, the expensive staff. It’s more sad than anything, but no matter how tragic, I still hate you.

...You have ever asked a subordinate to do something and then call, email and IM every 5 minutes to ask if it’s done yet. You can’t seriously be that impatient, no sane person would expect someone to be able to concentrate with your annoying interruptions, so what’s your deal?

...You are fat and wear spandex. I know, I know, it’s sooooo cliché to say that, I neeever heard that before. But the more we make fun, the worse the situation gets. I say we pass a law that bans the manufacture, sale, importation, etc of all spandex products. The only people wearing spandex are the ones that shouldn’t, so why do we even sell or make them, it’s a crime against humanity.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Have I told you lately that I hate you?

...You “brag” how much work you have and how late you worked. Are you a fool? Since when did working until 11 or later becoming a bragging point? Let’s compare shall we? Me, I left work at 530, I went to the gym, I ate dinner, went for a few drinks with some friends, came home, ate a PB&J, watched a little Conan, went to sleep. You, worked until 12:30 came home passed out from exhaustion, woke up 2 hours later twitching because you forgot to send that email. Yeah good for you sucker, keep bragging, I hate you.

...You came up with those verification words on websites and use a font that is barely legible. You are asking for verification for god knows what? Especially on this site to post a comment, what are you protecting? I need to use my little orphan annie decoder ring to write the simple comment…I agree. At least we’re not wasting technology, like blogging does.

...You work security at an airport and made me take off my flip flops when going through the metal detector. I wish I was making this up, I really do, but tragically it’s true. I would like to employ a mandatory common sense test to all airport personnel. Metal detector = take off rubber pseudo shoe. Forget that a flip flop is a quarter inch of rubber, how about that you can see my foot? Where would I be hiding something? I had to walk barefoot on the disgusting floor of a public airport. My feet will never be the same, I hate you.

...You laugh at your own bad jokes. Ok you’re not telling a funny story, it’s going no where, realize this and abort. Don’t drag it out to a point where it becomes painless to even look you in the eye. When you see people not laughing and then you start to laugh to encourage us to join in or to say hey, this is the funny part, you should know that you are not funny. And if you are really socially incompetent you don’t notice when someone is fake laughing just to be polite, from now on I’m issuing a fatwa on fake laughing, if I see you doing this, I’m so calling you out. If I feel compelled to be polite and fake laugh at your bad joke or story, I am simply going to give you a blank look instead and if you still don’t get it, I’m going to flat out tell you, that’s not funny in any way, shape or form, oh and did I mention that I hate you.

...You have used the word glib (in a legitimate sense) since Tom Cruise said this to Matt Lauer on the today show. I don’t know if I’m just noticing this more because I was making fun of Tom Cruise for using a word of the day or if people are actually so enthralled with this “new” word that they just have to use it now. Whatever it is, when you say it in a serious context post the Lauer incident, you sound stupid, you sound like your only source of “literature” is People magazine. Is this how you want people to view your intelligence? You are on par with a high school dropout that believes aliens are the savior. You should be proud.

...You drive around parking lots looking for that ultimate closer spot. Parking three spaces further away is just too far, I mean the 15 extra minutes you spend driving around in circles you could have been in the store and almost done. But seriously, we need people like you so people like me will park in the first open space they see and get on with our lives.

...You say you love sushi and then I take you out for sushi and you say I only eat California rolls. You’re living a lie, you don’t like sushi, you like the IDEA of eating sushi. You watch your sex and the city and see the four sluts eating at these trendy places and think, well if I say I eat sushi then it’s just like TV. No, it’s not. If you want to pretend you are on sex and the city, then go out and bang a bartender or some rich old dude, but please do me the favor and don’t tell me you like sushi. Which, btw I now hate because of people like you.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

My god his hating is better than ever!

...you have ever said the phrase I work hard and I play hard…or what happens in (insert city) stays in (insert city). These are dumb overused clichés that have no business ever being repeated again. The media has a way of destroying sayings and then stupid people like you have a way of taking them that extra step to where they get under your skin and burrow driving all of us mad…oh and that if you talk the talk you better walk the walk one literally makes my ears bleed.

...You narrate every activity of your day in my presence. You don’t deserve a narration, you don’t do anything interesting, you don’t say anything interesting, no one cares what your doing, you don’t even care what your doing, so why would I? And when you have nothing to say, don’t say anything at all, singing out blah blah blah does what now? We as a species can speak as a mode for communication, not to provide some nonsense garble from your empty empty brain.

...You are the guy at the bodega that would not accept my torn $5 bill. The fact that I had to give you a brief lesson in macroeconomics when trying to buy the tasty cookie crunch of a twix really pissed me off. I was hungry and most likely drunk, you were withholding essential nourishment which could only be topped by a greasy slice. You see in this country, if a monetary unit is torn, it’s actually okay, the bank will still accept it and therefore you accept it. But you didn’t and now I hate you.

...You speak with a foreign accent when pronouncing Spanish names, such carlos Rodriguez or that Spanish reporter on CNN. This is pretentious and obnoxious, you are not offending anyone by saying the name or even a Spanish word for that matter, in English. People are expected to speak in English in the US and if you are offended because someone has said your Spanish name with an American accent then I hate you even more than the pretentious idiot that says your name properly.

...You use monster size headphones for your ipod. Come on you look ridiculous. Are you really listening to music on the subway for sound quality? The rest of us just want something to do, you apparently are really “experiencing” your music for that 15 minutes underground. You deserve to be mugged for that.

...You wear your corporate ID badge outside of your office building. I loathe you. You only have to show your ID entering the building, maybe to get access to certain floors, a wallet will serve the same purpose you know. But that’s just within the building. Why do you where it home? Why? Wearing the corporate ID badge in 2005 is comparable to wearing a pocket protector in 1985. Remember revenge of the nerds? You're Gilbert and I hate you.

...You proudly carry your corporate logo messenger bag. Apparently you have no problem parading around as the corporate slave that you are. You see, company gives idiot a bag, idiot gets excited over free stuff, idiot uses bag daily, idiot realizes 4 years later that idiot has been a free walking billboard for corporate conglomerate, idiot gets escorted out of building for trying to steal the kool aid not realizing that this is just more corporate speak, blog writer loses train of thought and has no idea where this is going. I just hate those damn corporate logo bags and I hate you for using one.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I love it. Now make me hate it

...you think Sean Hannity is intelligent and think "the other guy" (Colmes) really balances the show. Telling people what to think doesn't make you a reporter, it makes you an asshole. Having someone tell you what to think makes you just flat out dumb. And those annoying scrolls at the bottom of the TV have got to end. Does any network have the balls to do something different? Has anyone even taken a survery to find out if people like them? I sure as hell don't. Telling us that Britney Spears is considering the name London for her child is not news and something I wish I didn't know.

...you are over 25 and read Harry Potter books. This is a children's book, I know those big grown up books are tough to comprehend, not to mention those big grown up subjects. Of course you read them quickly, they're written for children.

...you carry full size luggage on an airplane. You know why it doesn't fit? Because it's too fucking big! Check your damn bag like the rest of us in steerage. Your socks and underwear aren't that important. If you are afraid of having your luggage lost again, well, something tells me the first time it got lost, you deserved it.

...You rush to get on an airplane first. Why? Why would you want to be cramped in a tiny seat for any longer amount of time than you would need to? You see that big line your waiting in? enjoy, now you are rewarded with sitting an extra 20 minutes in a seat next to some big fat person whose stomach fat is hanging over your armrest. Well played my friend.

...You still send those chain emails that promise fortunes to you by forwarding the email to 10 people. Let's break this down. First, what would this alleged person pay you for? What service are you providing? what is to be gained by sending an email to 10 people? Second, how would this phantom person even contact you to pay you? Of course you're probably the same person that sends your updated bank account information to "paypal". Back to the story at hand. Third, have you ever heard of this actually working? Perhaps in 1997 when email was still this mysterious temptress, you could get away with this, ONCE. It has never happened and it never will happen. Finally, adding some superfluous disclaimer stating "you never know" or "just in case" does not exempt you from being a complete idiot. In fact, I'm now blocking your address.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

From I hate you to Kelly

…you use the stalls in the office rather than a urinal and pee all over the seat. I might excuse this if we were at a bar where no one expects to receive a clean stall. But there is no reason to have to double or even triple crows nest at the office, that’s unacceptable.

…you talk to the person in the stall next you. I am perfectly comfortable using a stall, but making small talk or worse, asking personal questions while on the crapper is crossing the line. One has to wonder the thought process that occurs before a statement is made through the thin metal barrier that is just oh so important. Some seek solace with their stall time, others simply want privacy, but if you have such bravado that you feel compelled to begin a conversation with anonymous stranger sitting next to you, think twice, do us all that favor.

…you drive a car with diplomat plates. Just because you have diplomatic immunity doesn’t mean you take complete rule of an entire city. If you see someone driving the wrong way on a street, definitely UN, blowing red lights, UN, parked on the sidewalks, you better believe it’s UN, mowing down pedestrians….that’s right UN. Way to abuse your privileges!

…you check your blackberry while out in social setting, i.e. bar. So you want to feel important do you? Hey everyone, look at me, I’m at a bar, but I’m soooooo important that people need ME to answer THEIR questions. Seriously Paco, you’re not fooling anyone except the idiot girl that’s impressed by some guy that says he’s a “banker”. And maybe that’s your angle, maybe that’s what you’re after, but just know that you’re not really fooling anyone, and of course that I hate you.

… You work at the gym and talk to people while they’re working out. The main offenders are the steakhead dudes who are hitting on every girl with a big ass to try and get them to go to the club at which they “bounce”.

…you are a bouncer that takes your job way too seriously. You “train” at the gym all day for your super important $10/hr job bouncing at the local club named after some state of matter or precipitation a la rain, ice, lava, liquid, snow, etc. etc. I realize this is your only sense of power in the cruel cruel world that the rest of us call reality. I must admit that the skin tight black spandex t-shirt, does however, make you cool. kudos on that.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Hey Batenda, you know how to make a redeye?

…you change seats several times while on the bus. What’s the story here? You get on the bus you get a seat, but at every stop you change seats. Are there better seats than others? Is there some kind of game that everyone but me is playing? From now on you are to get on the bus pick a seat and stay in it, end of story.

…you are the person that reeks of garlic every morning on the subway. Someone commented the other day about “the stinky guy on the subway”, I definitely agree, but there is one distinct odor that occurs all the time and that is the day old garlic breath. Word to the wise, if you have a lot of garlic for dinner, stop or don’t ride the subway the next day while you breathe in someone’s face.

…you speak with a mouthful of food. I’m having lunch today and two women next to me are cackling on and on about something, who knows what because their big disgusting mouths were full of food the entire time. Come on people, we’re trying to live in a society here. Evolved people chew their food, swallow and then speak, you see how that works? Sometimes people even have a drink in there somewhere, I suggest you try it.

…you talk on those obnoxious blue tooth phones. This is another classic case of unnecessary laziness, wireless for your wireless phone? And as if that isn’t bad enough that earpiece is practically surgically attached to your ear. You walk the streets, stores, wherever, just talking into the air as a homeless person would scream obscenities to no one.

…you write blogs on some website that no one ever sees or even they do, it’s still pointless. Do you really think your views and opinions or periodic tirades about what annoys you are worthy of being read? No of course not, but thanks for contributing to the endless waste that is called the internet.

…you read blogs on some pointless website. Is your life that empty and unfulfilling that you waste hours and hours reading barely coherent writing about some 19 yr old’s date last night? If you want to live vicariously through a young exciting life, do like the rest of us do and watch Laguna Beach.

…you ride in an elevator with someone you know and speak at normal conversation levels or louder. There are 10 people in a 5X5 box, shut up for 20 seconds or speak softly. Furthermore, when you get on an elevator and see that the button to your floor has already been pushed you don’t need to push it again. Do you have some magic touch that will teleport you instead? Speaking of teleporting, it’s 2005, it’s time those are invented.

Monday, September 12, 2005

License to hate you

…you are middle age with children and talk to your twentysomething coworkers about how great little johnnie is at soccer. You know little johnnie is an asshole, this kid is great at soccer, baseball, has straight A’s, the little girl next door has a crush on him and he’s the best in choir practice. I hate little johnnie too.

…you reply to the common courtesy of “how are you?” with a 45 minute dissertation on your daily activities. Do you think people really care that you couldn’t sit down last night because your hemorrhoids were acting up? That’s the kind of information that should be revealed on a need to know basis. On a similar note, the TMI (too much information) has got to stop. I don’t need to know that you claim to have blown Keith Richards circa 1976. Where was that little inner voice? Did it say, hmm I work with this person, ok he needs to know about my oral sex habits…well actually I do, so that point is moot, but the other stuff I definitely don’t want to hear.

…you enter someone’s office (or cube) and see that they’re on the phone yet proceed with your conversation as if the phone was nonexistent. Of all the absurd and rude behavior this is THE most perplexing. Phone, ear, someone talking – yes this is a good time to ask that age old question of “what does that picture of the little disk in the upper left hand corner mean again”?

…you are Joe Lieberman.

…you offer advice to people when no one asked. No one cares what you have to say and if they did, they would ask. What makes your wisdom so much better than anyone else’s? Where were you when real advice was needed, like make sure to lock up your bike.

…you are the guy that stole my bike. So we know it wasn’t locked, my bad, but you took it from the bike storage room in my apartment building, then apparently sold it. Then to make matters worse, when I saw you riding it in Union Square and chased you for two blocks, the least you could have done was tell me to fuck off to acknowledge me, but instead I get nothing.

...you are the person that told my boss I left work at 3 last Friday. What the hell is wrong with you? You are obviously that person from high school that told the teacher "oh, you forgot to give us homework" when will you realize that this is not the kind of ass kissing that gets you ahead in life, it's typically the kind that makes you a victim. (Disclaimer to Big Brother: I do not seriously intend to inflict harm upon anyone).

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Everyone says I hate you

...you wait in a 15 person line in one of the four Starbucks on your block, then when you get to the register you still don't know what you want. What did you think when you walked into a store that serves COFFEE.

...you work in Starbucks and are thuroughly confused when someone orders a medium. People have been using the concept of small, medium and large since the concept of sizes began. When you go to the movies do order a grande coke? Do you buy venti shirts?

...you are the guy on the subway that wears his aviators. Ok, we get it, you're cool. Now take off those sunglasses so you can see where you're going.

...you walk into a bathrrom and see 14 empty urinals with me at the end, then you proceed to use the one right next to me. Words can't describe my confusion, are you hoping for a peek? Next time you stand next to me, don't be surprised if your shoes get wet.

...you are the guy behind me at every Yankee game that has to say "hats off" before the National Anthem and "everybody up!" at every 2 strike count. Must you live up to stereotype of that guy from the Bronx?

...you work in an office, yet you still don't know how to use a computer. Computers have been in every office since what, 1995? You've had 10 years to learn that the little picture of a disk in the upper left hand corner means save. How do you still have this job? Why must you ask me everytime? I think it's time for a career change.

...you are the person at work that ate my yogurt. It's not the money I'm talking about here, it's the principle. I was hungry, I said to myself "hmm I do have the delicious blueberry yogurt in the fridge." Then when I go to get it, it's gone. Thanks.

...you break the copier and then walk away. You don't try to fix it, you don't tell anyone, you just expect that someone else will take care of it and move on to another copier. Is this how you live the rest of your life, just expecting other people to do everything for you? You disgust me.

...you ride a down escalator. When did you get so lazy that walking down a moving set of stairs became too much work? It's down, typically one flight, no no no I can't do that I'll just stand right here in the middle so no one can get by.

...you sing New York, New York (or any Sinatra for that matter) at a karaoke bar. You are pretty original because no one EVER sings Sinatra at karaoke.

...you stand on the same corner for a month supporting your local candidate in the upcoming primaries. I have a piece of advice, try another corner. Don't you start to figure out it's the same people after about 3 days? I see my dry cleaner once or twice a month and they remembered the second time.

...you are about to get passed on the highway and then speed up. Does your ego hurt that much that you've been passed? Yes, you were going THAT slow and yes I'm going to pass you, so let's just make this easy for everyone, move aside.

First I hate you

...you walk 3 or more people across on the sidewalk. Apparently you three are the only three people walking and no one else needs to get by. Please feel free to walk slow and randomly stop without considering that someone may actually be walking behind you. Biggest culprits can be found in midtown Manhattan.

...you use the cardio machines at the gym during peak hours for more than 30 minutes even though there are signs posted everywhere with the time limit. I know you feel you are royalty and above some silly rule at a fitness club. Those 10 people waiting in line can keep on waiting because you need to get that extra 10 minutes in, after all, your time is more important than theirs.

...while entering the subway you enter before everyone has gotten off, not only do you do that, but you then proceed to stop in the entrance instead of walking to the back of the train. All signs of logic and common sense are missing from your brain, you think that if you walk into people head on, you will somehow get a better spot to stand on the train.

...you use corporate buzzwords at work. This doesn't make you sound more intellgient or "on the ball" it makes you sound like an idiot that can't think for yourself. You have been fully brainwashed by corporate America. The corporate vernacular includes such favorites as:

circle back
on the same page
at the end of the day
keep me in the loop
hit me on the cell
shoot that in an email
brainstorming session
diminishing returns

For an in depth analysis of the lingo visit any bank's website and read the services they offer.

...you are Jesse Jackson and claim the word "refugee" is racist. You know at one point in time one could argue that you raised issues that needed to be discussed in national politics. Now, not so much. It's time for you to set off on your iceberg and stop showing up at every national controversy or tragedy.

...you sit at work all day chewing the fat and then complain how busy you are and how your life is so hard. It's absurd to think that you don't realize that you busy by no one's fault but your own. We don't need to hear about your cat's quadruple bypass surgery, I didn't ask for advice for this weekend's date and I don't want to give you the details. Seriously it's time to get your own life and stop living vicariously through your co workers. Some people actually do their work all day so they can leave at a normal hour. While I'm at it, when I get to work at 8:30 and leave by 6 PM don't give me the "half day" comment. Just because you showed up at 10 and didn't start work until after lunch, doesn't me I'm leaving early. see also Face Time