Friday, January 13, 2006

A Day No Pigs Would Hate

...You Tivo the show Law & Order. Are you not aware that this show can be seen 56 hours a day? I think there are three channels dedicted to only showing Law & Order, is this not enough? What about the primetime airing? Do they even make new shows of this? Either way, if I start watching 7, i'm hooked until at least 3 in the morning, then I dream about episodes I've come up with, but I don't solve them, I hate them and by them, I mean you.

...You are in some kind of Corporate leadership role, send a happy new year email detailing your lavish vacation with the family and then say you now have to work 80 hours a week, minimum. This isn't my current job, but one of days gone by. You begin the holiday season with the omnipresent message, relax, spend time with family and friends, "recharge your batteries". Upon your return from your $50,000 ski trip to Aspen, you then rub into all the peons faces how rich you are and then give the message, yeah by the way, while you going into debt just to get drunk, I decided I need to be richer, so work twice as much. Here's MY message to YOU, there were no recharging of batteries, there was only charging of hate, and you're in a lot of hate to debt to me.

...You walk into a revovling door and make everyone else do the work. I'm sorry your majesty, I didn't realize I was supposed to wipe your ass too. You seemed to miss this whole self reliant revolution of the republicans, but I didn't. I push the door, yes, but I can also stop it and keep you trapped in my hate.

...You yell at me on the street asking for directions. Do I know you? No of course I don't, you are some gypsy lady from eastern Europe, why the hell are you yelling at me? And asking where 415 First Avenue is, that is no way to find where you are going, it's only a way to find hate.

...You are pushing 7 feet tall and are wearing 6 inch heals. Oh my god, you are freakishly gigantic, and then on top of that, you have those heals on. I'm not a midget or anything but seriously lady, I'm completely dwarfed in your presence. I realize you are never dwarfed, but rest assured you are hated.

...You walk down the street rapping. Does this make you "cool" or is "tough"? I'm not sure of your point here, yes you speak along with someone else speaking into your headphones, and yes none of it contains anything that resembles coherent language, but if saying bitch, ho, and suck my cock makes you feel like more of a man so be it, just understand that it doesn't not make you cool, it does not make you tough, it only makes you hated.

...You come into my room and see that I have a guitar and ask if I play. No it's for show, I went out of my to buy a guitar, put it on display in my room for sole purpose of impressing girls when they come over and then I simply say I'm too drunk to play, yeah right what kind of self serving, egotistical asshole would do such thing, I can't believe you would think that. Well in reality, you're exactly right and therefore I must hate you.

...You see a line of people waiting to use one of three ATMs, but one of them is not being used and then go to investigate yourself only to find out, just like the 9 other people in line, that it's out of order. So you think all those other people somehow missed and open ATM and felt, well I'm in no rush, I've got time to kill here, I'll wait instead, and then that thought process was repeated 9 times. yeah that's logical...logical if you're hated by me.


doc said...

What an obscure book reference for the title.

Doofi said...

The fact that you knew it is impressive and I hate you if you don't.

jessie said...

i like law and order too but it's a bit much to have it on so much.
i hate revolving doors, guess i'm too stupid to use them, i always get stuck!
i thought street rapping went out in like the 80's?! what a freak!
yeah i love the atm idiots, guess the atm with the longest line is giving out extra 20's or something, maybe free frie coupons so their asses can get fatter!

begijn said...

I hate you because ever since I found your blog I have wasted lots of billable time reading your hate.
I hate you because on too many occasions, while reading your hate, I have said "he took the words right outta my mouth" and I hate it when I talk cliche.
I hate you because on several occasions, while reading your hate I have snorted beverage onto my keyboard.
My hate grows.