Sunday, January 29, 2006

Legends of the Hate

...You park your car and leave about 1 foot over the line into another space. Thank you, no seriously thank you. There is no better joy in this world than to see an open parking spot, drive up to it, attempt to park only to realize that your SUV is taking up two spots. I also like that on the other side of you between you and the next spot, you have left 3 feet of open space. You have made my day, because now I can hate you.

...You are riding the bus and stand in a cluster of four people at the very front so that no one can pass to get to the back where there are all open seats. I don't condone using the bus under most circumstances, but when the subway is shut down for sole purpose of pissing me off, well then I have to use the bus. Then I get on to said bus and have you standing in your fortified blocade against additional passengers, I didn't not realize that the royal family was also riding the bus, you expect me to obey, but no, it will be you who bows to my hate.

...You are driving 55 in the fast lane. Yes I know you are going the speed limit, technically you are doing nothing wrong. But you have been alive for the past 40 years right? You have been in these 4 wheeled machines we call cars, you understand the social order of things right? Left lane = fast lane. Left lane going slow = My hate for you.

...You take my order for delivery then question my phone number. You see about 5 or so years ago, everyone on the face of planet got cell phones, within that five years, people moved, but get this, it's tricky so pay attention, they kept the same cell phone number. Weird I know, but it did happen. So if I'm in NY calling from a 203 number, don't question me and say you mean 212 right? NO I mean hate.

...You make shoelaces unnecessarily long. I really don't understand this phenomenom, I feel like I'm 9 years old with extra wide florescent orange shoelaces on my roos with the zipper pocket for my key or a quarter. Are people really using all this additional lace on their sneakers? I'm really surprised some rich white guy hasn't thought about the cost savings involved if they only made the laces shorter, but then again, they want to remain hated by me.

...You come up to me at a bar to card me after I've already had two drinks. I'm just not following your logic at all, but go right ahead and card me, I'll go right ahead and hate you.

...You are riding the subway with a gigantic instrument strapped to your back. I don't know what that is, a cello an old fashioned bass, whatever it is, it's become an extension of your being, yet somehow, you refused to compensate for the additional space needed. Everytime you turn around, that thing hits someone and knocks them over. You stand in front of the subway door and are annoyed that the train is stalled, not realizing that it's completely your fault because your hump back is blocking the doors from closing and keeping me hating you.

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