Sunday, January 22, 2006

The way we hate

...You get into an elevator that's going down, look at the buttons, see that the lobby button as been pressed and then proceed to press it again. That's it go ahead press it again because that will get us to the lobby extra fast. Of course it won't, but it will get you hated extra fast.

...You are a cougar trying to get me to take you home. So you were really weird, you wouldn't leave me alone and you're eastern european. I know you wanted me to take you to my apartment so you could rob me, I get it. But I was wise to your tricks and only took you to my hate.

...You are alone at a bar and say you are meeting people but they never show up. You're not fooling anyone with this scam. Oh you are waiting for "friends" are you? Well let me introdue you to my friends, that's I, this is Hate, and this is You.

...You own doggy steps. If you're anything like me, you are laying around hung over on a Sunday afternoon wondering why your hands won't stop shaking and then you see on TV a commercial for doggy steps and wonder what happened in the world that I sit in an office all day and someone is out there actually making money from selling a ladder for dogs. If you support such chicanery, know that I hate you.

...You are my suppermarket that refuses to have any consistency in the products you carry. One week you have dannon yogurt, next week you have yoplait, the next week only the nonfat. Somedays you decide to sell chicken, or I can go everyday for two weeks and not see any. Now I see chicken I have to buy all of it and store it my freezer because I never no when I'm going to be able to get more. While I'm stocking up on chicken, you'll be stocking up on Hate.

...You are a cell phone company. So I sign my life away for 2 years at a time and you then give me a phone for 20 bucks, ok fair. I lose the phone and suddenly I owe $400 to buy it back. Nice racket you got going here, I know what you're doing. You hire people to go out and steal everyone's phone, then you sell it back to us for ridiculous amounts of money, then and only then, do we buy the insurance from which point on, mysteriously, no one ever loses their phone. Has anyone ever NOT lost a phone? Does that last sentence make ANY sense? Do I NOT hate you?

...You are THAT Guy. Do I even need to elaborate on this one? We've all been there, sitting at the end of the bar you're eyes barely open ordering shots for 7 people you never met and having the ugliest girl you've ever seen deflect your advances. You are THAT guy and you are hated.

...You tell me you are are some kind of chef extrodinaire and claim you'll invite me over for dinner, 6 weeks go by and still no invite, you know who are, you make the food, I'll bring the booze, but until then, I bring the hate.

...You like a band because no one knows them, then they get famous and suddenly you hate them. It's okay if other people like it, you don't lose cool points for liking something other people have heard of, but you will gain hate points.

...You are having a conversation with me on my couch at about 430 in the morning and stop paticipating in the conversation and I go on and on for 20 minutes with no response only to realize you are passed out. Um yeah try snoring or something to let me know you're out cold because I can talk for hours but someone needs to be listening, otherwise, I'm just hating.

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