Tuesday, February 14, 2006

From Hate to Eternity

...You shake hands just a little too long. This is very uncomfortable, please let go of my hand, please, oh please why are you still shaking my hand, we're beyond shaking now, we're actually holding hands, why won't he let go of my hand, maybe there is someway I can saw of my hand at the wrist to get away from you. I'll tell you the rules even though it won't have any impact, firm shake, 3 or 4 seconds, let go. the key there is LET GO or let hate.

...You stop at a red light in the crosswalk. You mean to tell me that you couldn't properly judge your stopping so that people can actually cross the street? I should have kicked your car, let you roll down your window, and slapped you in the face with a glove as if to challenge you to a duel, instead I challened you to my hate.

...You write the duel when you really mean dual. You writing me a dual contract, you see, that's two, you are not writing me challenging contracts in fact you are not writing me anything now, I'm writing you something, my hate.

...You leave your umbrella in the hallway or outside your office, open to let it dry. What is this obsession with keeping your umbrella dry? It's an umbrella, it's sole purpose is to get wet so you don't, why does it need to dry? You walk in from the rain, you shake the umbrella, you close it, you put it away and you hate.

...You give minute by minute updates during a snow storm. You mean it's snowing? really? Hmmm, I couldn't look out my window and determine that one. Weathermen are completely irrelevant, If you can tell me what the weather will be in two weeks, than you have talent, if you can only tell me the weather as it's happening, you're hated.

...You air only love stories on cable on valentine's day. Is this to torcher people that hate in the world? I have a choice of love actually on 178 channels or a very special rerun of friends where they all get laid. I'd like just one channel to play something like Life Stinks, I'm not saying I'm miserable here, I'm just saying I'm hating here.

...You call my office at 7 in the morning and seriously think I'll be in. This is just asinine behaviour. I know you're calling for the sole purpose of leaving a message, I'm not an idiot. I get into work between 8 and 8:30 like civilized humans do, you call me from your house and leave me messages at 7 wondering why i'm not answering, just like hated humans do.

3 comments:

doc said...

a handshake...3 to 4 seconds? Still too long. Cut that in half and there's a chance I'll feel slightly okay with the whole scenario.

Anonymous said...

how about people that lend you a pair of tightie whities and don't even give you a pair without "skid marks" ?

Anonymous said...

You hate people that say "duel" instead of "dual"...

How about people that say "torcher" instead of "torture"?

I totally love your blog but as a hater myself, I couldn't resist... And don't ask why I'm reading entries from February. It's b/c I, too, have to find a way to survive the hell and hate that is work.