Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Hate! I want to hate forever

…You push both the up and the down button when waiting for an elevator. While I’m riding up, you pushed the up, but you really want to go down, I guess you know how to beat the system here. Everyone else is just a sucker hitting the down button to go down, but you, you’ve figured it out until the doors open and I’m hating you.

…You roll up next to someone at a stoplight and stare into the car next to you. Is this some kind of intimidation factor here or are incapable of looking straight ahead for some reason? Seriously you’re not a tough guy, you are a tool that lives on long island, lives with his parents and spends every penny you earn the BMW you can’t afford. I look forward to you rolling up next to me, staring at me and getting hated by me.

…You whistle at girls from your truck as they walk by. If there is one person out there for whom this has worked I would like to shake your hand. If there is one woman out there that has been whistled at or received some kind of cat call from a slow moving truck, well I must meet you, immediately, so then I can hate you.

…You ask me if I want lettuce and tomato on my sandwich no less than 7 times during the whole sandwich making process. I don’t care that you can’t speak english so well, you ask, lettuce and tomato? Response: Yes. You know these words, stop asking me. And while we’re at it, don’t assume I want cheese on the sandwich, I shouldn’t have to tell you no cheese, I should have to ask for cheese, yeah I’m a freak I don’t like cheese and I hate bagels and what I really hate is you.

…You go to the gym and place all your clothes next the treadmill/cardio machine you are using. They’re called locker rooms try going into one, you’ll be surprised at the amount of hate that can be had there. But don’t expect me to not step on your clothes or that bag that can hold 3 full grown humans or complain that my sweat dripped onto your bag, yeah that’s nasty I know, but you and your gigantic duffle bag are hated.

…You place your shoe on the tissue box in the locker room of the gym. This happened weeks ago, yet I’m still trying to piece together what happened here. I go into the locker room to change, because that’s what normal people do, but it was cold out, and my nose was running, because that’s what happens when you go from really cold to really warm. Naturally I went to get a tissue and much to my surprise, you are standing there wearing a shirt, no pants/underwear of course, and your shoe is actually on the tissue box which is on the counter space. There is so much wrong with this, its so much worse than putting your shoes on the bench, I don’t know what kind farmhouse you were raised on, but in civilization, our shoes stay on the floor or you get hated by me.

…You are 5 foot 4 and have shoulders twice as wide as me. Hey small man, don’t try to overcompensate for your shortness by lifting to the point of giving yourself bacne. You’re short, deal with it, you’re not fooling anyone, in fact you look even shorter with those disproportionit muscles. You can lift all you want, but you’ll always be short and you’ll always be hated.

…You use the word literally as an exaggeration and don’t literally mean literally. I get sarcasm, my entire life is sarcasm, but the literally usage has gotten out of control, literally. I mean I could literally hear the sarcastic use of literally like 49,678 times a day, literally. If you really care about the use of literally, well then I hate you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

In my gym we actually have signs asking that people not leave their coats, gym bags, etc., near the workout equipment, but rather - get this - put them in the locker room! Does this stop the morons from dropping all their shit right next to the free weight rack? No. If I could take a dump in this guy's bag without being seen, I would.