Thursday, February 09, 2006

Papa's Got a Brand New Hate

Contributed by Guest Hater Prickly Pete

...You are one of my co-workers who is constantly asking me to hang out with you outside of work. What kind of a sadist are you? Its not enough that we spend 50-plus hours a week together in the office, we also need to have dinner, drinks, etc.? I barely see my best friends once a month – now I’m going to take time out of my precious, non-working waking hours to hang out with you and your spouse? You are bordering on stalker, please step away before I am forced to hate you during non-working hours too.

...You are the same co-worker, and you are constantly asking me to donate my time or money to the “cause” you support just because I once gave you a $50 donation in hopes that you would thereafter leave me alone. Let’s get something straight – there are probably a million other causes I would rather support IF I were so inclined to donate my own time or money. But I don’t, let’s face it, I’m just selfish. So why do I now have to keep supporting yours? The answer is simple – I don’t. In fact, I am starting my own cause, it will be called People Who Hate Stupid People. Please make your $1000 donation payable directly to me, and the only thing required of you after that is that you stop giving me reasons to hate you.

...You are one of my co-workers who, when we gather to eat lunch, has to call attention to what every single person in the room is eating. Do you derive some sick pleasure from this? You: “What is that? Who made it? That’s gross.” Me: “It is a steaming hot dish of hatred made just for you.”

...You are a religious zealot who has firebombed or otherwise attempted to destroy a Danish consulate because you feel your god was blasphemed by the media. What a brilliant way to inform the rest of the world of the purity of your beliefs and the attributes of your religion – I feel so enlightened now, where can I sign up? There is a word for people like you, perhaps you’ve heard of the term “terrorist”? I hope you drop your next Molotov cocktail on your foot so I can hate you while watching you burn in hell for eternity.

...You are the guy who works out at my gym but doesn’t really work out. There you are sitting in the men’s lounge area reading the paper when I come in at 7am. At 8am, when I’m done and starting my daily hygiene routine, so are you. The difference is, I was upstairs working out, you weren’t. What have you been doing for that whole hour? If you’re not working out, why don’t you just read the paper at home? Here’s why – because you are an idiot. You are the guy who wants to make chit chat with everyone and talk about how important your banking job is and how you had to go here for dinner and oh you were out so late last night entertaining clients at the Ranger game and blah blah blah blah – save it, nobody cares. I bet you can’t wait to get into work to tell everyone how you just came from the gym – yup, you like to get an early start on your day, you’re a real go-getter. But I start each day on a natural high, my friend, fueled by my hatred for you.

..You will use, in the absence of an absolute, genuine, bona fide emergency, a middle stall or urinal when the ones on the immediate left and right are occupied. Do you have absolutely no sense of the concept of “too close for comfort”? Can’t you just wash your hands, blow your nose, or do a fly-by until one of those end toilets are no longer in use? And no, I’m not homophobic – I am people-who-don’t-respect-the-personal-space-of-others-o-phobic. I know, we all poop, we all pee – those bodily functions are normal, but under optimal conditions everyone would prefer to engage in this periodic flushing of the digestive system in privacy. It is bad enough to have to have one other person within a twenty foot radius, never mind when I can practically feel your breath on my shoulder at the urinal wall. Please have some respect for others and maybe I will stop hating the shit out of you.

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