Thursday, February 02, 2006

Smells Like Teen Hate

…You sign off on your emails with just an initial. So typing your name has gotten to be too much has it? Perhaps I’m not important enough to be address or to receive a proper signoff from you. You should however, know this, I sign off from every email and not just with a ‘D’ I spell out the name “I hate you”.

…You walk by my office and stare at me as you walk by. Yes I have a nicer office than you, yes you actually don’t have an office, but have a cube, yes I am 10 years younger than you and actually look 18 years younger than you and yes I really do hate you.

…You use large words and complex analogies to make yourself sound more smarterer than you actually are. Dumbass, if it sounds unnatural, it is. I can’t believe you used the word agnostic to describe your doubt of certain figures when you could have simply said, I am doubtful. Honestly, I thought this word was used only in relation to faith in god, etc. but no I looked this bad boy up, you are either really that much of an a-hole or this is actually a word from your everday vernacular, in either case, I still hate you.

…You are 6 foot 5, riding the subway and hold onto the center bar at the bottom. Dude you’re like a foot taller than half these people and you have to take up all their space to hang on when all you have to do is reach next to you to hold on to the side bar, which is actually 3 feet above everyone else’s head. You get where I’m going with this jolly green giant? You are tall, make room for the other people before they all hate you.

…You write FU in the subject line of an email when you really mean follow up. Perhaps you are not familiar with the connotation, but FU does not immediately make me think follow up, it makes me think you have some kind of problem with me and my work so immediately begin reading this email hating you.

…You are stopped at a stoplight when the light turns green. There is absolutely no reason why you can’t be like everyone else and pay attention to what you are doing. You can obviously see the light in the other direction, you see that it turned yellow, you then prepare for your big moment of hitting the gas pedal as the light changes from red to green, this isn’t rocket science, it’s paying attention to something other than your own personal dream world. You of course will make it through the light, but you are holding up 13 people behind you, that’s 13 different people to hate you.

…You drive up to a gas station/mini mart and instead of parking in a parking space, you park right in front of the door blocking other people from getting to the parking spaces. I get it you are just running in and out, but did your self centered little brain ever stop to think that perhaps while you are waiting in a line 8 people, someone may actually consider parking their car? No of course you didn’t consider this because that person can just park behind you, blocking even more people until eventually the line is into the street creating a traffic jam all because you had to go into a store to get hated by me.

…You leave your wet wipe wrapper in the bathroom stall. Well I am glad that you are on board with the wet wipes, I don’t know why it took so long to make wet toilet paper to begin with, I mean think about it, why would try cleaning yourself with dry paper? If your hands are dirty do you use a dry towel or dry paper to clean them? No of course not, so why should your ass be any different? In fact, no I don’t hate the anonymous wrapper leaver, you did someone a favor, perhaps this will get someone to start using the wet wipes so they can stop being hated.

1 comment:

doc said...

That's just false advertising... posting Thursday hate on a Wednesday. I might get hated, but I do know the days of the week.