Friday, April 28, 2006

Our Hate, is a very very very fine hate

...You ask me for directions, are going the same direction as me, and now cause me to be your temporary tour guide. Yes three blocks that way, the same way I'm going, but you don't have to walk next me or five feet behind me schmegal. When you get to where you going, I don't need the nod of approval, as if I was tricking you, I wouldn't do that, I'd only hate you.

...You are a midget and sneak under the subway turnstile instead of paying. So there is one advantage to being that short, but why should you get to save on subway rides? I guess we have to pay the I'm to tall to go under the turnstile premium, which apparently is better than paying the hated by me premium.

...You are telling me a god awful story, I realize this and start to walk away, then you not understanding this common body language proceed to follow me until you utter every last word of your pointlessness. Lady, I can't believe you followed me into the bathroom to tell me about your cat's hairball, now I'm forced to follow you telling you how much I hate you.

...You are so insecure that you have to tell me how much value you added at a meeting. Let's not fool anyone here, your babble actually caused everyone to hate you, including me.

...You are making a point about how well a suit jacket fits me by continuously touching my ass and showing me how the jacket is the right length. Touch me one more time, I dare you, go ahead try it and I'll hate you.

...You refill my water glass after every single sip I take. Can I please try to at least drink half the glass? I'm trying to have a conversation with people here, but then I have to have you constantly coming over filling up my glass with water, spilling ice all over the table and getting hated.

...You are wearing a cut off sweatshirt at the gym. You know the collar/hood cut off, the sleeves cut off mid bicep. Yeah you were pretty cool in 1987, but that was 20 years ago, sure there's an 80's revival going on, but there are limits, fortunately for you there are no limits to my hate.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Beware of the Ides of Hate

…You tell people that you are “the decider”. You must be what, 12? Oh no, you are the president? Hmmm, go figure. Well kind of things have you decided? A war? Ok. Tax cuts for the rich? Ok thank you. Destroy the environment? Yeah who needs the planet. Getting hated? Not a problem.

…You invented a color coded terrorist warning system. That went well, oh wait, there was absolutely no point in that system other than to scare people when bad news came out or right before an election. When was the last imminent threat warning you heard? I think it was right before the 04 election. Now you are blowing things so badly there’s no time for warnings, there’s only time for hate.

…You abbreviate million with ‘mm’. Example, that is $2mm. Let’s spell this out long form shall we? M-i-l-l-i-o-n. There is ONE m in this word, I repeat ONE. If you are spanish, then you may write the mm, but if you are American, you speak english, and you are hated.

…You advertize a sleeping pill and say the side affect may be drowsiness. I’m extremely confused here, the pill is supposed to make you sleep right? So the drowsiness is what then? A side effect or is it really a side of hate?

…You tuck a napkin into your shirt when you are eating. Sir, would you like a highchair with that? I mean if you are going to wear a bib, there is no way we can have an intelligent conversation, I just feel the instinct to make an airplane with your food. Done eating? Did you make poopies? Uh oh, time to change your diaper and time to fucking hate you.

…You are 16, work as a check out girl and call people much older than you, honey or sugar. These endearments reserved only for 50+ Southern women that work in dining establishments, so I must be missing something here, you are at most 16 and you just called 70 yr old woman honey, then you called me sugar, then I called you hated.

Monday, April 24, 2006

All the world 's a stage, and all the men and women merely haters

…You are wearing your headphones, refuse to take them off to speak to people, then shout because you can’t hear yourself. Is it too much to ask that you take the headphone out of your ear? Perhaps you do not understand that that even though you can’t hear yourself, the rest of the room can hear you at volumes that would have dogs running for the hills, you take off those headphones when I’m hating you.

…You are a bar and have a shot called “ass juice”. I only wish I had made this up first, I mean what a fantastic name for a shot, a shot that is a rather watery brown and contains undisclosed liquours. Hmmm, maybe this really is ass juice and maybe this really is hate.

…You are a professor in college, you write your own book for your class and then put out a new edition every single year forcing everyone to buy your new book, making you rich. Under normal circumstances, I would have foregone the book, yet you being the complete asshole you are, based about a third of your questions on graphs and captions contained only in the book and never discussed them in class. You were truly a model professor, a monument to my hate.

…You for some reason think I am still in college even though I haven’t been in school for almost 7 years. Yeah I don’t take as much leftovers as I possibly can from my parents, I don’t bring home laundry, I don’t live on pizza, maybe you haven’t heard, but I’m all growsed up mikey, if I were pushing 30 and still living like that, I just might have to hate myself, instead of hating you.

…You are about to open a new lounge and when it comes to decide on a name you simply look around your apartment looking for things to name it. It’s nice to see that we’ve moved from clubs names after precipitation, but now we are onto a whole new theme, there’s home, apt, bed, duvet, cellar, upstairs, living room, Guest house, Glass, Back Fence, Lobby, Garage, Traffic what’s going on here? I prefer the address named dive bars myself, the 2A, 7B, 7A, 10B, 1&1, 11A…there’s no line, there’s no dress code and there’s no hate.

…You go by the name BJ. You are a glutton for abuse aren’t you? I’m sure as a child and teenager you are made fun of constantly, yet you were stubborn enough to carry on the tradition of being named for a sex act. Now you’re all growsed up, you can make the conscious effort to go by your full name because there are countless immature a holes like myself who feel the need to snicker everytime you say your name and everytime you are hated by me.

Friday, April 21, 2006

My Own Private Hate

…You throw something in the trash, it misses and you don’t pick it up. You fucking slob. Do you do this at home? If I go to your apartment will I find garbage and shit strewn across your floor? No of course I won’t because that is where you live and you have a slight bit of respect for your own private quarters. Well this is an office, have some slight bit of respect for where you work and the people that work here and the people that clean up after you and the people that hate you.

…You have a manny. In no sane world does a man going into childcare of three young boys without having some kind of deviant intention. I’m not exactly sure who to hate more, the asexual manny or the idiot parents you hire him. I realize it is completely sexist of me to say that a man cannot be a nanny, also let’s be clear, this is a Manny, not a nanny. Let’s also be clear, this is a hate.

…You leave a voicemail message giving a more detailed description of your presence than any stalker girl I’ve ever known. So I am at work right now, but I’ll be going to lunch at 12:30, but it’s a quick lunch because I have to be back for a meeting which will last about 45 minutes, during the meeting I won’t be reachable, but you can call and leave a message with my assistant, then from 3 until 5:30 I should be at my desk, unless I am in the restroom in which case, call back in like 5 minutes, unless I’m pooping, then give me 10 and then give me hate.

…You drop a paper towel in the bathroom sink and leave it there. Is it too much to ask for you to stick your precious little hand into the sink to remove the towel YOU dropped? Are you somehow too good for that? Now it is covering the drain and it resembles a bird bath rather than a place to clean my hands after I hate you.

…You talk on your cell phone in a bathroom stall. Is there not somewhere more private or secluded that you can go about your private phone calls? Think of the person on the end that every few seconds they hear a grunt followed by a plop and splash. Have some manners, have some dignity and have some hate.

…You call me, I say hello, you remain silent, I say hello, you still remain silent, I shout hello, then and only then do you speak. You typically do this on a wrong number, you realize you have the wrong number, you stall because you’re not exactly quick, you don’t like to make decisions because that might require an IQ beyond 90 which you obviously don’t possess. Now instead of me politely informing you that you have the wrong number, I have to rudely inform you that I hate you.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'm a Hater Dottie, A Rebel

...You continue to carry your umbrella over your head while walking under scaffolding. We're talking about an avenue to avenue scaffold here, even if it was only one street, it is completely and entirely unacceptable. Look up, that is the same thing as a roof, do you keep your umbrella open inside? Well actually, I'm sure you are the person that opens it to dry in the hallway, so the answer is probably that I hate you.

...You make ipods so that they break after about a year and half, then you run a help desk where it costs $49.95 just to speak to someone, then when you speak to someone, they tell you to send them the ipod with a check for $299 and then after 6 weeks they send you a new one, which is really the same one you sent them, only now it's hated.

...You are the person that decided to add voicemail instructions to outgoing voicemail messages on cell phones. Yes yes we know, press 1 to page this person, the same person carrying a CELLULAR phone. By defination, the phone is better than a pager. And when I'm done leaving a message I may hang up? Oh thank you I didn't know I needed your permission to end a call, I was just going to stay on and wait for the person I was calling to become hated just like you.

...You make some kind obnoxious gesture when you see me smoking a cigarette outside of a bar. Yeah yeah yeah smoking is bad for ME. Second hand smoke is a myth, how do I know? Penn & Teller told me, so it has to be true. But I only smoke when I drink, granted I now drink every single day, but you're always fat, you will cost more in healthcare than a smoker, meanwhile I'm paying about $5 in taxes everytime I buy a pack, you don't pay a tax for being fat. I'm at least funding my own cancer treatment and all your funding is my hate.

...You flirt with a waitress or bartender all night and then comment on how she wants you. Dude, she works for tips, it's her job to make you think she wants you. Take a look around, that fat, bald guy at the other end of the bar is getting the same attention as you, why? because he has money, the sooner you realize that, the sooner I can hate you.

...You buy self-help books. One or two might be tolerable but any more proves the clear existence of your self-absorbed bullshit. Then you tell at least 10 of your friends about your books and how pathetic you are, so that they can say 'Oh no, I have issues too, I'm here for ya girl!' and then you say to every last one of them,'Oh I don't know what I'd do without you! I love you!' and that's how you bond with people because YOU'RE A FUCKING LOSER. You pretend to hate yourself and maybe you really do, but in the end you're in love with yourself enough that you're all you think about and you're all I hate about.

...You go tanning and look like an oompa loompa. It's not even summer and you're glowing orange like a fucking alien. Who do you think you'ref ooling, do you think people think you're pretty? You look retarded. Then you bleach your nasty hair a bright blonde and pile on some designer clothes and schedule an $800 teeth-whitening appointment thanks to mommy and daddy, even though you've been out of college for five years. Even with all this effort you put into yourself you are still an ugly sack of shit and really do need to do all this work so that people can try to tolerate your presence. I throw up on myself whenever I see your orange alien ass, and would rather jack off to Katie Holmes' Cold Sore than bear the thought not hating you.

Friday, April 14, 2006

These boots were made for hating

...You wear shoes that make so much noise it sounds like a horse walking in the hall, not a person. What's with the taps on your shoes man? If you're shoes are going to be that loud, you better perform for me Ben Vereen, I said dance and I said hate.

...You wrap your child in plastic when it's raining. Is this not contrary to like day 1, do let your kid put plastic over his head? Well you should probably follow this advice as well, I shouldn't see you pushing a stroller with a kid wrapped in plastic, I mean you're definately going to make this kid have some kind sick fetish when he's older, a sick fetish of hating you.

...You drag your feet when you're walking. I don't understand this, how do you walk and drag your feet at the same time? It's not so much a dragging as it is just sliding your feet on the floor, do you think you are ice skating? Fucking pick up your feet, that's how humans walk, and this is how humans hate.

...You are busing a table at a dining establishment and are in a rush to take away my plate. I swear you are stalking me the entire meal, the second I lift that last french fry, you're taking my plate. Let me at least eat that fry before I hate you.

...You wear jeans that are so tight I can see your meat weapon. I get it, you don't want your jeans to look like you just crapped your pants, but man, leave some room in the crotch. The scariest part is that you have nothing to show off, you should want some room so the world can't see how diminutive you are and how hated you are.

...You are obsessed with baseball players using steroids. A....DUH! Have you seen the monsters out there? But seriously, why the fuck do you care? You're holding congressional hearings to figure out whether or not grown men who hit a ball with a stick for a living, took drugs. Took drugs to make their little game more entertaining for you. Baseball is boring enough as it is, let them take every drug in existence, please. Why do you think people get wasted when they watch baseball? Two reasons, the game is boring and they hate you.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Oh Hate, Where Art Thou?

…You show up in more places than waldo. No matter where I am, you somehow just appear, what is it with you? Do you stalk me? Why couldn’t it be some hot girl that shows up everywhere I go? Nooooo, it has to be you and it has to be hate.

…You wipe back to front. Luckily, I do not have the misfortune of having to witness such behaviour, but knowing that people do this troubles me, hearing that 60% of people wipe this way is even more troubling, you wipe front to back, then you thuroughly wash with a wet wipe, it’s called hygene, but no we have people out there too lazy to clean properly and too lazy to not be hated.

…You wear clothes that are walking billboards. Why do people feel like offering free advertising for Nike and adidas. What kind of fool do you have to be to fall for that, oh look at me, look at what I’m wearing. You obviously have a simple mind and are so easily influenced that you would actually hate yourself, kind of how I hate you.

…You set up a computer so that it says, your password will expire in 15 days do you want to change it now? Now? Wouldn’t it serve a better purpose to say, your password changes in 1 hour do you want to change it? Or how about, your password expired, change it. If people are changing it at the suggested 15 minute timeframe, after a couple of rounds your password lasts about a week. I’ll let you all know my password, ihateyouif123456789.

…You see me take an AMNY from the guy standing right next to you and then shove a Metro in my face. I appreciate the free paper, but seriously they’re both like 10 pages and say the same thing, but amny was here first, then you metro people decided to copy for some reason, I guess you felt there just wasn’t enough stupid things in the world. I guess you felt you weren’t hated enough in the world.

…You are the pizza guy in the cafeteria that before putting the slice in the oven to heat it, asks, to stay or go. I say, stay. 2 minutes later the slice is ready and I get the question, to stay or go? Why did you ask me in the first place slicey? What was the point? You know you have no memory beyond 9 seconds, kind of like how you can't go 9 seconds without getting hated by me.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Don't hate there girlfriend

...You speak ebonics while around black people and speak proper english in the presence of white people. I don't care if you are black, white, arab or asian, please if you know proper english, speak it. You is not "connecting" with no one, you is stupid, you is fake and you is hated.

...You say "I don't care if you are black, white, green or purple" when trying to make a point that applies across "races". Yeah I got it paco, you are allegedly color blind, well you must be because I never met a green person or purple person, I've only met a hated person.

...You refer to people of different ethnicities as different races. Well we are all the human race and that's it, it's not like white people and black people and asian people are different species, we're all the human race, now come up with some other term or I'll hate you.

...You are still saying "talk to the hand" either as a joke or in an arguement. I think I heard a priest say this once, if a priest says it, its over, it's done, please stop using it, it's not funny, it's not "hip" as you are trying to be, it's only hated, just like you.

...You are speaking of a black person that is successful and say something with a hint of surprise or an "I gotcha" along the lines of, he's actually a lawyer. Oh actually? As if it were such a far fetched idea, such a surprise that a black man is a lawyer. You see, my hate is here for all to read, your hate is barried so deep you don't even realize it until I tell you I hate you.

...You say extremely racist (for lack of a better word) things in front of me assuming because I'm white, that I must feel the same way. I'm not talking about a joke, I can laugh at a joke about anyone, especially myself. What I'm talking about here are the people that are quite presumptious that just because I hate here that I hate like them, well its something like that, I don't hate like you, I actually hate you.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Haters in the Night

…You see me soimewhere and then come up to me and say, you’re always here. Listen tardo, in order for you to know I’m always here, you have to be here to see me, so tell me this, are you always here? Why even make the comment? What purpose does this serve, it’s not funny, it add no value other than hate.

…You start telling your fire drill stories when there is a fire drill at work. I know this is your prime time to hit on the ladies, asking if it was them that pulled the alarm, is this your best line? Are you trying to be cute or annoying? Just because we’re all standing around the lobby doesn’t mean we have to talk, we should all just stand around and hate.

…You sell me coffee that is so hot I have to wait 30 minutes before I can even drink it. I’m basically the crotchedy old lady that sued mcdonald’s for serving hot coffee. Yes I know coffee is supposed to be hot, but there is a difference between pleasureably drinkable and scold my toungue so I can’t taste food for a week. Just once I’d like to buy a coffee and actually be able to drink it right away, but no, I have to settle for hating you.

…You haven’t seen me in about 8 years, you don’t recognize me at all, then someone says who I am and I say hi, you, still not knowing who I am, then proceed to give me, the loud, oh my god how aaaarrrrrreeeee you. You don’t have to play make believe here, it’s okay to not remember, when we knew each other, I barely knew you and I barely liked you, but please take comfort in knowing that now I completely hate you.

…You tell a joke that is borderline offensive or insulting, then follow it up with “I’m just kidding”. Well no you weren’t, you meant every word of that and I can’t believe you would say such a thing, that could be the rudest thing anyone has ever said other than I hate you.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Hate one for the gipper

…You inquire as to what someone is eating by sticking your face in their plate saying mmm that smells good what is it? Well it WAS my lunch, but now that you’ve drooled all over it, I call it garbage. I realize that you start to salivate the moment someone mentions the word food, unfortunately, Pavlov’s experiment rings true with you. Fortunately for the rest of us, Pavlov’s experiment rings true with me too, when I hear your name, I start to hate you.

…You graduated from Harvard, are unemployed and when people ask you what you do you say, I’m a Harvard Grad. Since when did going to college become an occupation? How much do earn being a Harvard Grad? How did you get this job? Are there any opennings? Where’s your office or do you work from home? Can I see some of your work or do I just have to hate you?

…You had breast cancer and now have a butch lesbian haircut. At what point during your breast cancer treatment do you say to yourself, you know what, I’m going with the dyke haircut, I’m going to join a cult of other breast cancer survivors, then I’m going to fund raiser events and will hold hands with all other dyke haircut ladies getting hated.

…You are the government and send me a jury duty notice, tell me that I have to confirm or postpone by mailing something back to you, but you make me have to buy a stamp. Why should I pay for the stamp? You are the one forcing me to mail something, if it were up to me, send me a link to a website or a phone number, it’s like we’re pre edison days here, I mean it’s 2006, mail should be the absolute last option, I might as well call up the pony express to deliver a message that I hate you.

...You are my mom and threw out my high school yearbook from senior year. Um why did you do that? Not only did you throw out the book, but you threw out my diploma, my comic books, baseball cards, clothes, pictures and just about everything else I left at your house, well now I'm not going back to your house I'll just hate you.

…You were that really smart person in school that I would ask for an answer to a question on a test and you would sit there, shake your head saying you didn’t know, yet you had something written and then when we got the tests back you would always get a 100. You don’t know the answer, but you wrote something down anyway right? You don’t know the answer yet you still got a 100 right? You don’t know me but you’re still hated by me right?

Monday, April 03, 2006

There's something about Hate

...You take your shirt off while at outside at any chance you get. Please don't be that guy, it's 65 degrees, yes it's very nice out, but it's lunch and you are walking around bare chested exposing your nipple ring and exposing my hate.

...You somehow have such poor aim in the bathroom that you pee underneath the urinal. How can you possibly miss the urinal, why am I seeing a pool of urine underneath it, do we need those urinals that go all the way to the floor like you had when you were in 3rd grade, back when you weren't hated by me.

...You are the person responsible for that 4 inch long pubic hair resting right on the edge of a urinal. Why are your short and curlies not that short and not so curly? Trimming is a matter of good hygene and hating is a matter of you.

...You drive with a pimp lean. Yeah rollin in your 6 four, you're tearin it up out there. Here's the facts Vanilla, you are white, you live in the burbs with your parents and you can barely read. You are not a pimp and you are not cool because you lean to one side with one arm on the wheel getting hated.

...You are my grandfather that told me to stay away from dirty girls as I was leaving his house and then my grandmother that said don't listen to him go out with some dirty girls. This a conversation not to be had with your 85 yr old grandparents, not today, not ever, these conversations should involve cooking me food, giving me money and hate.