Thursday, April 06, 2006

Hate one for the gipper

…You inquire as to what someone is eating by sticking your face in their plate saying mmm that smells good what is it? Well it WAS my lunch, but now that you’ve drooled all over it, I call it garbage. I realize that you start to salivate the moment someone mentions the word food, unfortunately, Pavlov’s experiment rings true with you. Fortunately for the rest of us, Pavlov’s experiment rings true with me too, when I hear your name, I start to hate you.

…You graduated from Harvard, are unemployed and when people ask you what you do you say, I’m a Harvard Grad. Since when did going to college become an occupation? How much do earn being a Harvard Grad? How did you get this job? Are there any opennings? Where’s your office or do you work from home? Can I see some of your work or do I just have to hate you?

…You had breast cancer and now have a butch lesbian haircut. At what point during your breast cancer treatment do you say to yourself, you know what, I’m going with the dyke haircut, I’m going to join a cult of other breast cancer survivors, then I’m going to fund raiser events and will hold hands with all other dyke haircut ladies getting hated.

…You are the government and send me a jury duty notice, tell me that I have to confirm or postpone by mailing something back to you, but you make me have to buy a stamp. Why should I pay for the stamp? You are the one forcing me to mail something, if it were up to me, send me a link to a website or a phone number, it’s like we’re pre edison days here, I mean it’s 2006, mail should be the absolute last option, I might as well call up the pony express to deliver a message that I hate you.

...You are my mom and threw out my high school yearbook from senior year. Um why did you do that? Not only did you throw out the book, but you threw out my diploma, my comic books, baseball cards, clothes, pictures and just about everything else I left at your house, well now I'm not going back to your house I'll just hate you.

…You were that really smart person in school that I would ask for an answer to a question on a test and you would sit there, shake your head saying you didn’t know, yet you had something written and then when we got the tests back you would always get a 100. You don’t know the answer, but you wrote something down anyway right? You don’t know the answer yet you still got a 100 right? You don’t know me but you’re still hated by me right?

1 comment:

doc said...

Excellent hating and very much needed on this Friday morning.