Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'm a Hater Dottie, A Rebel

...You continue to carry your umbrella over your head while walking under scaffolding. We're talking about an avenue to avenue scaffold here, even if it was only one street, it is completely and entirely unacceptable. Look up, that is the same thing as a roof, do you keep your umbrella open inside? Well actually, I'm sure you are the person that opens it to dry in the hallway, so the answer is probably that I hate you.

...You make ipods so that they break after about a year and half, then you run a help desk where it costs $49.95 just to speak to someone, then when you speak to someone, they tell you to send them the ipod with a check for $299 and then after 6 weeks they send you a new one, which is really the same one you sent them, only now it's hated.

...You are the person that decided to add voicemail instructions to outgoing voicemail messages on cell phones. Yes yes we know, press 1 to page this person, the same person carrying a CELLULAR phone. By defination, the phone is better than a pager. And when I'm done leaving a message I may hang up? Oh thank you I didn't know I needed your permission to end a call, I was just going to stay on and wait for the person I was calling to become hated just like you.

...You make some kind obnoxious gesture when you see me smoking a cigarette outside of a bar. Yeah yeah yeah smoking is bad for ME. Second hand smoke is a myth, how do I know? Penn & Teller told me, so it has to be true. But I only smoke when I drink, granted I now drink every single day, but you're always fat, you will cost more in healthcare than a smoker, meanwhile I'm paying about $5 in taxes everytime I buy a pack, you don't pay a tax for being fat. I'm at least funding my own cancer treatment and all your funding is my hate.

...You flirt with a waitress or bartender all night and then comment on how she wants you. Dude, she works for tips, it's her job to make you think she wants you. Take a look around, that fat, bald guy at the other end of the bar is getting the same attention as you, why? because he has money, the sooner you realize that, the sooner I can hate you.

...You buy self-help books. One or two might be tolerable but any more proves the clear existence of your self-absorbed bullshit. Then you tell at least 10 of your friends about your books and how pathetic you are, so that they can say 'Oh no, I have issues too, I'm here for ya girl!' and then you say to every last one of them,'Oh I don't know what I'd do without you! I love you!' and that's how you bond with people because YOU'RE A FUCKING LOSER. You pretend to hate yourself and maybe you really do, but in the end you're in love with yourself enough that you're all you think about and you're all I hate about.

...You go tanning and look like an oompa loompa. It's not even summer and you're glowing orange like a fucking alien. Who do you think you'ref ooling, do you think people think you're pretty? You look retarded. Then you bleach your nasty hair a bright blonde and pile on some designer clothes and schedule an $800 teeth-whitening appointment thanks to mommy and daddy, even though you've been out of college for five years. Even with all this effort you put into yourself you are still an ugly sack of shit and really do need to do all this work so that people can try to tolerate your presence. I throw up on myself whenever I see your orange alien ass, and would rather jack off to Katie Holmes' Cold Sore than bear the thought not hating you.

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