Friday, April 14, 2006

These boots were made for hating

...You wear shoes that make so much noise it sounds like a horse walking in the hall, not a person. What's with the taps on your shoes man? If you're shoes are going to be that loud, you better perform for me Ben Vereen, I said dance and I said hate.

...You wrap your child in plastic when it's raining. Is this not contrary to like day 1, do let your kid put plastic over his head? Well you should probably follow this advice as well, I shouldn't see you pushing a stroller with a kid wrapped in plastic, I mean you're definately going to make this kid have some kind sick fetish when he's older, a sick fetish of hating you.

...You drag your feet when you're walking. I don't understand this, how do you walk and drag your feet at the same time? It's not so much a dragging as it is just sliding your feet on the floor, do you think you are ice skating? Fucking pick up your feet, that's how humans walk, and this is how humans hate.

...You are busing a table at a dining establishment and are in a rush to take away my plate. I swear you are stalking me the entire meal, the second I lift that last french fry, you're taking my plate. Let me at least eat that fry before I hate you.

...You wear jeans that are so tight I can see your meat weapon. I get it, you don't want your jeans to look like you just crapped your pants, but man, leave some room in the crotch. The scariest part is that you have nothing to show off, you should want some room so the world can't see how diminutive you are and how hated you are.

...You are obsessed with baseball players using steroids. A....DUH! Have you seen the monsters out there? But seriously, why the fuck do you care? You're holding congressional hearings to figure out whether or not grown men who hit a ball with a stick for a living, took drugs. Took drugs to make their little game more entertaining for you. Baseball is boring enough as it is, let them take every drug in existence, please. Why do you think people get wasted when they watch baseball? Two reasons, the game is boring and they hate you.

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