Sunday, June 25, 2006

How to Hate a woman in 10 minutes

...You are a girl that for some reason is introduced to me and now thinks she's my girlfriend for the night. You go into story mode within 4 seconds of me saying hello. I have no interest in speaking to you. You are so obviously on a boyfriend hunt, you scary scary annoying hated woman.

...You don't get the hint the first time I walk away from you in a bar. No it was not a matter of circumstance, it was intentional, leave me alone or I shall hate you.

...You corner me in a bar and start in with your one time at band camp stories. Let's see how can I get this guy to like me, I know...this one time, I was at band camp, and someone fucking hated me.

...You tell me that smoking is bad when I say I'm going for a cigarette to get away from you. You did scare me for a minute when I thought you were going to come with me, notice how I didn't ask? That's an escape path. If that wasn't enough, my rude obnoxious response to your obnoxious comment should have been another clue that I hate you.

...You find me in a bar after my smoke break that I would have taken even if I didn't smoke. Why are you telling me a story about how you don't like your roommate becaue she's always banging someone. Your roommate sounds awesome, where is she because I hate you.

...You follow me to the other end of the bar when I suddenly walk away from you mid sentence because I just can't take it anymore. I don't go out drinking to listen to more pointlessness, I go out drinking to get away from it and avoid hating you.

...You try yet another angle by bringing up the yeah yeah yeahs and franz ferdinand. Um yeah, that's like soooooooo 2003, beat it. Maybe if you brought up something current I would have told you politely that I'm not interested instead of running away hating you.

...You find me when I went to sit at a random table in the corner to hide from you. WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO? Maybe I should have spit in your face, this isn't a date, I don't know you, a dude walks away from you about 19 times and you don't get that he hates you?????

...You find me at the bar next door when I had to escape your claws. Um yeah I'm busy hitting on 22 yr olds here, get away from me, oh thanks for ruining everything for me, you ma'am are a train wreck and I hate you.

...You are maaaaaaybe a 3 and think we are in the same dating circle. I'm not trying to say I'm an adonis at all, but seriously you have to face it, you have a horrid personality, you are not attractive, you have no boobs, you have a back with a line rather than an ass, you are casper and you are hated.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Welcome to Hateville, population: You

...You are walking behind me and step on the back of my foot. You have all the space in world, I'm practically running yet you still manage to step on my foot. Where did you learn to walk or should I say where didn't you learn how to walk? I find it really hard to believe you walk faster than me and I find really hard to believe you're not hated by me.

...You are stopped at a red light, it changes to green, you wait. Seconds go by, you wait. A minute goes by, you wait. The light turns yellow, then you decide to take your sweet ass time and drive. You must understand that those 30 cars behind you would also like to get through the light, you must understand that there are other people on this planet besides you, you must understand that I hate you.

...You are walking and reading a book. Now I like reading as much as the next guy, but there is no book written in any language that deserves to be read while walking. You are walking, you pay attention to what you are doing or you are hated.

...You are driving and doing everything else except watching the road. You are in control of a deathmobile going 75 miles an hour and still you feel the need to read, put on makeup, dial phone numbers, shave, pick your nose and get hated.

...You are cutting my hair and say, you know it feels like your hair is getting a little thin. WTF, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Never ever never ever tell me that, pleeeeeaassseeee. Perhaps it was my arrogance, telling people that are balding that my hair is too thick and I have thin it out and laughing and laughing at all the bald people trying to conceal their loss. It's not supposed to go down this way, I'm supposed to be the 90 yr old guy with huge mop on his head and I'm supposed to hate you.

...You are in the men's room using the urinal next to me and feel so comfortable with the situation that you can let out a huge fart then a sigh of relief as though you had been in agonizing pain holding in that fart. No, you can't do this, you are not allowed to do this in my presence, then 2 hours later I have to sit in a meeting with you and keep a straight face without hating you.

...You argue with me telling me that you can catch poison from a person that has it. I don't care how old you are or that you claim it has happened. Please do me a favor, fucking read a medical book before arguing with me. When you get to poison ivy, you will see in black and white: Poison Ivy is NOT Contagious. That's right an educated 28 yr old actually knows something that is fact not some old wives tale spread by 80 yr old ladies. If you look closely in this book, you will also see that I hate you.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Don't you wish your hate was hot like me

...You crash into my car on saturday night because you are an inept driver and ran a red light. Douchebag, I clearly had a green light, you clearly had a red light, how could you even try to tell the cop you had the right of way I WAS GOING STRAIGHT. Not only that, you tried to put your bumper in your back seat, clearly you are retarded and clearly you are hated.

...You are a "DJ" at a graduation party and play only music from circa 1991. Let's see, color me bad, ABC, BBD, boyz II men, you know the east coast family, wow I'm a tool, but I was about 13 when that shit came out, these kids were 18 now, they were born about then and you were hated about then.

...You throw a family party and try to hook me up with every single girl from 17 to 30 that is at the party, yet for some reason the only girl worth it was "the help". Is that wrong or is that just hated?

...You are a CT bar where last call is 2AM yet at 1:20 you turn the lights on and yell at everyone to leave. It's bad enough you stop serving, but what the hell is your point in throwing people out, why do people stand for that? Oh right because there's no where else to go, there's only hate.

...You own those Adidas sandels that are like spikes sticking into your feet and then let me borrow them to run out to my car. Yeah my feet are STILL in pain a week later, who wears these things and who doesn't hate you?

...You have a men's room and instead of urinals, you have a trough, not only that, it's back up and filled with piss and puke. It's like a viscious cycle, unsuspecting young man goes to piss, waits in line for 38 minutes, final gets to the promised land and sees this mess, throws up in the pissy puke, then hates you.

...You see me cooking in the sun for 3 hours and then say, oh you want some suntan lotion you're looking really red. Hmmm, well maybe 3 hours ago, now I'm full of cancer and now I hate you.

...You see me at work on Monday, I'm tan, and you ask the everpresent question, outside this weekend? why? why? why? why? Are you so incapable of making normal human conversation that you can't simply say oh nice tan what did you do this weekend or better yet, say nothing at all? But no, you are determined to be hated.

You insist on giving me the fist punch thing about 91 times a day, and if anything, I'm underestimating. Your disguise is obvious, this is a high five and this has become equally as hated.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

You're doing a heckuva Hate Brownie

...You are the MTA union, are offered a contract, refuse to sign it, then three months after it's been pulled, you then say you want to sign it. You just don't get it do you? You're offered a job, you don't like it, so you wait for 3 months or so, nothing better comes along so you say you know what I'll take that job offer I got a while back. Hey dumbass, the world doesn't work that way, people don't wait for you, they just hate you.

...You fire my entire department at work, you've fired the people there before them, then you give me the same project they all were given to do and are at some point going to fire me. I don't understand your stupidity, honestly. You want this thing done or not? It's been dragging on for 3 years and you've fired about 10 people over it, why in the world would you give it to me? Why in the world would you want me to hate you?

...You are a bouncer and feel the need to brag about how much you get laid. Dude, you're not get laid that much if at all. What's with trying to impress me anyway? If you were really getting laid that much, you would have a little swarm of ladies hanging around you instead of a swarm of hate.

...You put these pointless "the way I see it" quotes on starbucks coffee cups. These annoying people are just the latest examples of people that don't understand that things change. The way I see it, the world would be a much better place if people did just one thing that we all used to do that inspired greatness: HATING YOU.

...You are old lady in a moo moo. At what point do women turn into old lady in a moo moo? Nothing scares me more about getting married than winding up with an old lady in a moo moo. Where does this transition take place? Why do you have a man's haircut? What are the tell tale signs of a 25 yr old girl that someday she will be hated by me?

...You are the news and won't shut the fuck up about hurricanes. Yes we get it, there are hurricanes. But you know what? They've been happening forever, it's nothing new, I don't want to hear about a tropical storm that's forming off the coast of Africa, when it's imminent, and it's life threatening, then you can tell me and then I can hate you.

...You are a weatherman. If anything screams pointless existence, it's you. Any person on this planet can go outside and tell you the weather. This is not a talent. You have zero ability to tell me the weather more than a day in advance. All week you said it was going to rain this weekend, what's it doing outside? Oh right, sunny and perfect, good thing I didn't rely on my hate for you to make plans.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

This one goes out to the one I hate

...You are the same name of the person I make up when crashing a party. Um yeah, I'm a friend of Petey, oh yeah, hey Pete get over here did you invite this doofus to MY party or did he just become hated.

...You are the naked man at the gym with the unimaginably small penis that felt the need, to stand bare ass in the middle of the locker room as if you were proud of your womanhood. Dude, if you really are one, that is not a thing of pride, I'm embarassed for you and I'm hating you.

...You are at a baseball game and there's a pop up, you stand up and scream as if it's a home run and then it's caught by the second baseman. I just don't know how one can make this mistake, even if you are the guido's girlfriend from staten island that has no clue about baseball, you should still not be so hated by me.

...You say drug use causes violent crime. You know why? BECAUSE ITS FUCKING ILLEGAL. If it was legal, you wouldn't have thug dealers selling to children and shooting each other, instead you'd have rich white guys selling to children and suing each other, isn't that what you want anyway? Do I have to solve all the world's problems or can I just hate you?

...You refer to famous people by their first names as if you know them personally. Just because you read every trash magazine and know more about people that don't give two shits about you, doesn't mean you can act like you know Brad and Ben and Jen and me hating you.

...You are Yankee stadium and are still playing that god damn cotton eye joe song. Is it so fucking impossible to come up with something new after 10 years? Even your stupid blooper reel is the same and the same stupid people still make the ouch sound when Tommy Lasorda falls, well he's going to fall the next time you go to a game, and you're going to be hated at the next game.

...You are the department of homeland hate and feel the need to cut terrorist defense funding by 40% for NY so that you can protect corn fields in Iowa. No offense to the good corn growers of Iowa, but seriously, you're entire state's population fits into my office building. No terrorist is looking to bomb vegetables that we pay farmers not to grow. They're looking to hurt people, where are there people? oh right NYC. I don't see the logic, but I do see the HATE.

Monday, June 05, 2006

In Cold Hate

...You play promos in movie theaters set to porno music. That is of course from what I hear, I would never know what porno music really sounds like. This must be an insider joke of some kind. Get yourself a snack; set to porn, don't talk; set to porn, turn off your cell phone; set to porn, hating you; set to porn.

...You are my neighbors who go away every weekend during the summer leaving your 18 yr old son to have parties every single friday night. I don't know what's worse, the fact that the door slams shut no less than 7000 times or that I wasn't invited. I look like a teen ager, invite me, wait a minute, I'm like 30 and I'm like hated.

...You are my aunt that wanted your set daughter to take me to her senior prom. There are so many things wrong with this on so many levels. Let's start shall we? I'll be 29 in a month, she's 17 or 18. You are my aunt, she is your step daughter, that's as good as blood relation in my book. I am not that much of a loser to need to go to the prom with a relative, again being almost 30. Just because you'll let me use your beach house whenever I want, doesn't mean I can't hate you.
...You give me a blackberry for work. So I'm officially an obnoxious yuppie, but I promise to never, ever, ever email anyone while in the bathroom. It's been a week and already I woke up at 3 in the morning to piss and checked my email. WHY? It's a stupid job and a stupid hate.

...You had no idea what I meant when I said I couldn't go out on Wednesday because I had to stay home and watch the Hills. First of all, it's on MTV, second of all, it's a follow up series to Laguna Beach, third of all, it's perfectly normal for me to watch it without getting hated. Says me.

...You don't listen to me when ordering take out and I say, my buzzer is broken, call me. I hear you trying to buzz me, but I told you it didn't work. I refuse to come down to get you because I warned you. I guess I'm the loser in the case, it's my food getting cold, but it's still you getting hated.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Venti half caf double skim sugar free ice HATE

...You order these ridiculous coffees in starbucks. At what point did you figure out how to even order that? It's not even on the menu, is it a secret menu? Can't we just make it, Venti Animal? and if you don't get that reference go to LA before I hate you.

...You are at that dude that must be Larry's clone. You're freaking me out, are you Larry? Why are you following me? You're looking at me as if you know me too, maybe you are Larry or maybe you're just hated.

...You are in Starbucks with your friend, you are both ordering the same thing, the guy behind the counter asks what you want, you order...just one, then 5 minutes pass the guy asks me what I want, your friend then interupts saying he's next and proceeds to order the same thing as you did and then gets hated.

...You ask me if I'm Hilell whateverstein. I don't know if that's someone "famous" or you're pickup line. Two things, I'm not gay, and I'M NOT JEWISH. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm saying that I'm not, that's all, I may look Jewish, yes, but pleeeeease stop stop stop asking or assuming, understand that I'm Italian - Catholic converted to Episcopal converted to Atheist converted to Pagan converted to Hater of you.

...You have crab cakes on a menu but then serve just one. Let me teach you a lesson in grammer, there is this concept called singular and plural. I asked for crab cakes you see, I expect multiple NOT one and I expect to hate you.

...You make a broadway play out of the wedding singer. Let's take bad movies from the 90's that making fun of bad movies from the 80's and turn it into a broadway musical. While we're at, we'll cast a lead that doesn't have a mullet which was the only good thing about the movie in the first place, well other than hating you.

...You continue to protest the war. Hey I don't like it either, but baby bush had to avenge his father, as if he were the green goblin or something. But I need to clue you protesters in on something, no one listens to you, they just hate you.

...You think CSI gives criminals ideas on how to get away with crimes. Well intelligence can't be everyone's thing and it certainly isn't yours. I can't believe this came up on the news and people really think that, I guess that's how you can stand to watch that show because it's written for dumb dumbs that are hated like you.