Monday, June 19, 2006

Welcome to Hateville, population: You

...You are walking behind me and step on the back of my foot. You have all the space in world, I'm practically running yet you still manage to step on my foot. Where did you learn to walk or should I say where didn't you learn how to walk? I find it really hard to believe you walk faster than me and I find really hard to believe you're not hated by me.

...You are stopped at a red light, it changes to green, you wait. Seconds go by, you wait. A minute goes by, you wait. The light turns yellow, then you decide to take your sweet ass time and drive. You must understand that those 30 cars behind you would also like to get through the light, you must understand that there are other people on this planet besides you, you must understand that I hate you.

...You are walking and reading a book. Now I like reading as much as the next guy, but there is no book written in any language that deserves to be read while walking. You are walking, you pay attention to what you are doing or you are hated.

...You are driving and doing everything else except watching the road. You are in control of a deathmobile going 75 miles an hour and still you feel the need to read, put on makeup, dial phone numbers, shave, pick your nose and get hated.

...You are cutting my hair and say, you know it feels like your hair is getting a little thin. WTF, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Never ever never ever tell me that, pleeeeeaassseeee. Perhaps it was my arrogance, telling people that are balding that my hair is too thick and I have thin it out and laughing and laughing at all the bald people trying to conceal their loss. It's not supposed to go down this way, I'm supposed to be the 90 yr old guy with huge mop on his head and I'm supposed to hate you.

...You are in the men's room using the urinal next to me and feel so comfortable with the situation that you can let out a huge fart then a sigh of relief as though you had been in agonizing pain holding in that fart. No, you can't do this, you are not allowed to do this in my presence, then 2 hours later I have to sit in a meeting with you and keep a straight face without hating you.

...You argue with me telling me that you can catch poison from a person that has it. I don't care how old you are or that you claim it has happened. Please do me a favor, fucking read a medical book before arguing with me. When you get to poison ivy, you will see in black and white: Poison Ivy is NOT Contagious. That's right an educated 28 yr old actually knows something that is fact not some old wives tale spread by 80 yr old ladies. If you look closely in this book, you will also see that I hate you.

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