Friday, July 28, 2006

Hate will be shed in the birth of a nation

…You are in a bar and are dancing right in front of the bar and continue to bump into me every 3 seconds. Dude are you dancing with the chair? This isn’t a dance floor, it’s a bar, where winos like me come to hate tool boxes like you.

…You put an entire package of cream cheese on my bagel when I ask for just a little bit of cream cheese. When you spread the cream cheese, I should still be able to see a little bit of the bagel, that’s how thin the spread is when someone caveats “a little bit”, but no, I had enough excess cheese that I was able to repackage it and sell it back to you for only a little bit of hate.

…You are contributing to Fatmerica by using the entire tinfoil thing of Philadelphia cream cheese on bagels. I’m not going to get into why l it’s in tinfoil and I’m not going to get into why cream cheese is from philly and bagels are from NY. I am going to get into you contributing to Fatmerica. The fatness is overtaking the country and it must be stopped. Here and now I propose a Fat Tax. There is no reason that a big mac should cost less than a salad. How is taco bell 99 cents for a taco and then I pay $15 for half a pound of lettuce? Why is there 900% tax on cigarettes but only sales tax on fast food? Why am I subsidizing your medical bills because you eat worse than a pig? Why do I hate you?

…You are the bum that asked me for a dollar and then when I said no, asked me for a thousand dollars. Wow, inflation has really affected every sector of the economy. First off, a bum should not be specifying amounts, be happy with anything you get, second, a thousand dollars? Seriously? No you weren’t but then you tried to shake my hand after that “joke”, yeah I don’t know where that hand’s been, but we now both know where my hate’s been.

…You come into my office and say “where are we going for lunch today”. What’s all this ‘we’ talk? I and I stress I, will be going for some sushi today, you, I don’t know what you’re doing for lunch, I just know that it’s not with me. Don’t you dare ASSume you will be having lunch with me again, but do ASSume you are hated.

…You are on a plane, walking to the bathroom for 8000th time, and place your hand on every single seat, pushing down, as you walk by. I would really love to see you walking on a street, do you hold onto the buildings as you walk by? No, who am I kidding you’re American, you don’t walk anywhere. The hate that you cause on the plane is actually priceless, every single person is woken up or shaken by your inability to walk a straight line and by my ability to hate you.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

While My Guitar Gently Hates

...You wear enormous sunglasses that are 7 times as wide as your face and put Nicole Richie's to shame. You look like a fucking space alien that got bad fashion advice from a JAP circa 1979. I realize some practical joker of fashion designer says they are all the rage, but have a mind of your own and realize they are all the hate.

...You poke your head into the subway and ask if it makes your stop. Do I look like ask jeeves? Do you see a GPS attached to my belt? You want to know why you don't see it? Because giving dumb people directions ain't my fucking business, okay! Don't just assume I'm supposed to give you directions, ask me kindly, I may oblige, demand my answer, I wil hate.

...You make a comment saying 'in my day things would be like...' In your day? Are speaking to me from the grave? As far as I can tell it's still your day, sure you're washed up, but you're not dead, just hated.

...You announce what I purchased for lunch to the table as I sit down in the cafeteria. Ahh, I see you went with a little turkey sandwich and a salad, oh today you have a BLT, not too healthy is it, look what we have today, some sushi for you. And of course today's menu is shut the fuck up because I hate you.

...You give me a detailed itinerary of your entire vacation, when all I did was simply ask when you are leaving. Notice how I only care when you're leaving? I want you gone, now, please, go, leave me alone and stop telling me every detail of your lame ass vacation while I stand here hating you.

...You say "welcome back" when I come back from a week's vacation. Ok, it's not like I just came back from maternity leave or something, it's 5 days. I do realize there was that empty void while I was gone, but seriously, 5 days doesn't deserve a welcome back, it deserves a welcome hate.

...You broadcast "breaking news" for 15 days straight. You know, day one, sure it's breaking news, but by day 12, let's stop calling things breaking news, I mean Condi has already come and gone with her pointlessness and I have already come and gone with my hate.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Plenty of Hate at the Hotel California

...You are American Airlines and tell me when I show up 40 minutes before a flight that there is no way I can check in and get to my flight in time. So domestic flights you need to show up 4 hours early now? You didn't even try, you pre-determined that I was not to be on that plane, even though I found the self check in, went through security and was sitting on the plane hating you only 10 minutes later.

...You are at a bar and when someone is being polite, yours truly, and says, I'm going to the bar anyone need a drink, well there's you and your 7 new friends all waiting to get in with the apparant "open bar" of me for a free drink and an expensive hate.

...You are American AirLINES. Never has a company taken it's name so seriously, I spent the morning waiting in lines at the airport for over 2 hours. How can you operate a company like this? You're objective is to piss off every customer by making them wait in six flags size lines where all they can do is hate you.

...You are American Airlines and took an hour and half to get the luggage from a plane to the baggage claim, then dropped the bags off 1 per 10 minutes. All I could do was stand there with Tina Fey and give the WTF, she was pissed, I was pissed and you were hated.

...You are American Airlines and tried serving what I think was tap water on a flight. Listen, I know fuel is a bit pricey right now, but give me some forewarning that you will be serving shit water, and I mean literally shit in the water or so it smelled and so I hated.

...You are the poop fairy that somehow gets into my room every night that I go out drinking and takes a giant poop in my mouth. Could there be a worse taste one can have after a night of drinking? The only thing worse is literally poop, but somehow I'm starting to think that's not so bad compared to the morning after hated poopy mouth.

...You show an in flight movie called "The Blue Butterfly" on a cross country flight. Of all the movies in existence, you select a movie that no one knows, that no one wants to see and is about a young boy dying of some kind of terminal hate. No wonder why you only sold one headset for the entire flight and no wonder why you are hated.

...You show the very same in flight movie, "The Blue Butterfly" on the return flight home. Who the fuck do you think you are to try and make me sit on a cramped plane for 5 hours to watch a depressing pile of horseshit, hating you all the while.

...You actually purchased the headset to watch a god awful movie on a god awful flight with a god awful airline. Don't you know your own headphones work? Not even that, but you are just perpetuating the continuem of bad movies shown on airplanes. I never understand this, I have never, ever, ever had a good movie playing unless I was in first class or on Jetblue, do you purposely try to torture your customers, just like I purposely try to hate you?

...You are Budget rental and try to tell me that a Crysler Sebring is a comprable replacement for a Ford Mustang. On what fucking planet? Just because they are both convertibles doesn't make them interchangeable, I ordered a Mustang, no go fucking find me one, oh look you somehow were able to find one on the lot when I pointed out that I hate you.

...You live in LA and think it's still the golden era of Poison-esque hair bands. I swear I was in a bar and saw Sebastian Bach 9 times in a span of 6 seconds. I get it, the new wave revival has given way to the 80's metal revival, it's the circle of life, but understand this, it's not 1986, David Lee Roth may still be a hated tool, but so is Sammy and so are you.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

All in all you're just another hate in the blog

...You are searching for a spot at the beach and out of an entirely empty beach you have to sit right next to me. Not only did you sit next to me, your posse then proceeded to follow with about 45 people, I was literally swallowed up into your group and you were literally swallowed into my hate.

...You are a young woman that wears those sunglasses that are bigger than your face. They extend two inches beyond your face on either side, they start at about your upper lip and end mid forehead. I don't know if you realize but there's been some tough times in the clown accessory business, so one genius decided to convince an idiot that these are fashionable, and presto, you have a million hated clones.

...You are handing out fliers on the street. If there is another form of pointless advertising, I'm not aware. The best part is that you are standing in front of a garbage can, do you not watch people take your flier, then immediately throw it out? Then you get offended when I say no thanks? I'm not going to contribute to even more waste, but I will contribute to even more hate.

...You are lifeguards at the beach and feel the need to run into the ocean for no reason at all. Some guy is out about 5 feet too far, suddenly there are 8 lifeguards diving in for nothing else but to "show off" for the girl lifeguards that are standing by hating you.

...You ask me if I watched the world cup. Maybe you didn't notice, but I'm American, we don't watch soccer. I don't get this sport, they are supposed to kick each other, then every minute some ref is blowing his wistle because some guy accidentily kicked another guy, and all this to get 3 shots on goal and a score of 1 to 0, now that's excitement and that's hate.

...You continue to make comments when seeing me smoke outside a bar. Yes I saw the commercial with the guy speaking through a hole in his throat, I get it. But can we please for the love of god, institute a fat tax? A pack of smokes is pushing 8 bucks, a big mac is 99 cents, I don't fucking get it. Smokers will end up funding the fat person's quintuplet bypass surgery while the smoker will get spit on. If you made shit food actually cost more than fresh food, maybe we wouldn't have a problem of hate in this country.

Friday, July 14, 2006

She don't eat meat, but she sure loves the hate

...You are in a movie expecting big news, the phone rings, everyone in the room is on the edge of their seat, but you being such a hilarious prankster, play it cool, pretend it's bad news, then you hang up the phone, you look disappointed, then in a sudden burst of energy shout the good news, the room cheers and you become hated.

...You are still using cliche situations in movies or awful sitcoms. This is why I can't sit through the garbage that's made, yet for some reason I leave the TV on when I'm home, get sucked into the same story being told for 8000th time, then I run to the computer and blog how much I hate you.

...You are riding the subway, your stop is next, but we're not even close yet, you for some reason think it's time to stand up and start heading to the door even though there is zero room. Not only are fighting through crowds of people to leave the train 3 seconds before everyone else, but you can't even keep your balance, now I have your sweaty armpits in my face and you have my hate in your face.

...You begin to cross the street as the light is about to turn green in the direction that will cause you to get hit by the cars. Not only that, but you are walking completely oblivious to the fact that cars are about to hit you, and not only that, you are pushing a baby stroller, and not only that but you are not even rushing to cross the street because the world needs to stop just for you and not only that, but I hate you.

...You are at the gym well after peak hours, someone is on a cardio machine for about 35 minutes, you for some reason think the 30 minute limit applies until closing, so you decide to stand behind the person (a cute girl mind you) and just stare. 5 more minutes go by, you start tapping your foot, another 5 minutes go by and you finally say something to her to get off the machine, even though 3 others have opened up since, she looks at you and laughs at you, then the people on either side laugh at you, then manager laughs at you, then I hate you.

...You are the tool that lives in the apt below me and complains about us walking in the apartment. Never mind playing bongo drums at 2 in the morning, but walking is just too much. You don't even complain like a normal person, you ask, so you guys walking around up there? WHAT? So are you breathing down there? So are you guys hating up there?

...You expect me to get everything done before I leave for vacation. So if I want a vacation, I have to work twice as much to make up for the week off, is that how this goes? What the hell is the point of the vacation? I'm saving lives here, I'm hating here.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

My hate wants to potty all the time

…You make the bathroom floor out of a dark tile that shines better than a mirror. Is there a reason I can see the person in the stall next to me? Not only to have to hear this guy splattering, but now I have to watch it? Are you kidding me, I don’t think you wiped man, but I think I hated.

…You choose to use the Gary Coleman urinal rather than the normal sized ones. Why do I hate this you ask? Well allow me to explain, you see normal sized people go to the GC, being of normal height, they are well above the area where the pee goes, causing one to have to aim and herein lies the problem: aim. You have none, forming pools of urine all over the floor and even on top of the urinal, it is for that, that I hate you.

…You manage to get the entire sink countertop soaking wet in bathroom. There is a sink for a reason buddy, every time I go to wash my hands I have to lean over a little to reach the sink, my tie then touches your pool of dirty water thereby ruining my tie and causing my hate.

…You insist on breaking the awkward silence in the bathroom with a loud voracious fart, feeling absolutely no shame whatsoever. Can they play music in the bathroom? I don’t want to hear the guy in agonizing pain trying to take a shit with hemorrhoids, or the guy with an enlarged prostate grunting every time a drop of pee comes out or the guy washing his hands hating you.

…You throw paper towels into the urinal. Are you trying to make me vomit when I piss? Those must be quicker picker uppers because they are florescent yellow and smell like cat litter. The garbage is for used paper towels, the urinal is for pee and the blog is for my hate.

…You flush the urinal, then piss, never to flush again. You seem to have missed that day of potty training, you see, pee first, flush later. It’s common sense really. I’m kind nervous that you may be peeing first, then unzipping your pants. Do you flush then take a crap? Do you get hated then go to the bathroom?

…You feel the need to protect your gas station restroom by locking it and attaching the key to 30 pound hub cap. What are you protecting in there? Is that where you have your secret stash of lucky charms? The room is covering in graffiti, smells like vomit, the once white toilet is now a solid brownish color, there’s no door on the stall, the sink only has cold water that can’t be shut off, yet only flows at a trickle, but somehow the entire room is wet and hated just like you.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Its my birthday I hate who I want

...You say you are coming out for my birthday and then bail. Yeah thanks, someone was at your party, yet you for some reason can't make it out for mine. Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty hated.

...You keep reminding that this is the last year of my 20's. Yeah fucknut, I get it, people get older, thanks for telling me that 29 is a dark year. At least I'm not 30, that's all I have to hate.

...You say you are coming to visit me for my birthday and then bail. What is it, every girl finds a reason to bail, karma's a motha fucka and always finds the absolute best time to get hated.

...You think I'm actually pissed that you didn't come out for the bday extravaganza. Yeah not so much, everday's a birthday when your a drunk, my goal tonight is to stay sober, now that would be something special and that would be hated.

...You are the unlucky lady that I will be hitting on all night of my birthday. I'm sorry in advance, I'm just kidding, but no seriously I'm sorry. And I wonder why I can't get all the girls I know in one room...yikes, and hate.

...You are me and say you have all these girls to invite out. Acting! Genius I know, one part imagination, 10 partys lying and 100 parts hate.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Making hate out of nothing at all

...You see a sneeze guard at a deli counter and decide to go against protcol here and stick your sweaty snot ladden face directly into the food. Please sir, go right ahead, it's only called a sneeze guard in the figurative sense, unlike my hate for you.

...You trip while walking and look back as if to blame someone or something other than your lack of coordination and your big dopey feet. Look all you want, there is nothing back there other than me hating you.

...You are at a party, it's 1 AM, and "everyone" is out of smokes, yet somehow everyone is smoking. So we're all doing the same trick here are we, you ration off the last few for yourself, but claim to be "out" except this time, I really needed one and you really needed hate.

...You are extremely insecure at work and feel the need to constantly and minutely update the person in the office next to you, why you are so valueable. Dude, just like everyone else here before you, you are more than replaceable, you are hateable.

...You show up to a last minute party empty handed because the host said don't bring anything except for yourself. Yeah maybe you didn't get the memo, that's code for make sure you bring something you cheap fuck instead of getting wasted on free beer, being the first to crack open the whiskey, eating all the food, then outstaying your welcome by passing out on the couch and becoming the guest that wouldn't leave. This sounds all too familiar, because it's me and I'm hated.

...You are walking on the sidewalk and just leisurely meander from side to side, each time cutting off the impatient person behind you that only wants to get home. Look at these huge luxurious sidewalks, I can just sway from left to right and then left again. That's right, there's not one other person in this entire city, not one other person that doesn't hate you that is.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Hate on the fourth of July

...You are Oliver Stone and think everything is a conspiracy. There was no second gunman on the grassy knoll. There was no government plot on 9/11. Jimmy Hoffa is not buried in the Meadowlands, there was no alien autopsy at Roswell, Jim Morrison died because he was an alcoholic drug addict, and I hate you because you're naive.

...You are in awe of fireworks. Wow look at all the pretty colors, I'm 30 years old and think this is the greatest thing that ever happened. At what point to do you realize that this is retarded? 5 year olds can be amazed at it, and 80 year olds can be amazed at it. Other than that, you are so freaking hated.

...You make the outrageous claim that had Joey "jaws" chestnut won the annual Nathan's hot dog eating contest, he would have changed the course of history for America. You are talking about an eating competition right? The fact that I found this could be even more astonishing than your statement and could be more astonishing than my hate.

...You think you are intelligent because somewhere around July 4th you say that America was founded by a bunch of rich, white, slave owning men that didn't want to pay their taxes. You know what, we all saw dazed and confused too, that's not your statement, you are not smart, you are not saying anything groundbreaking, and you are hated.

...You place more value in a mass produced flag than you do in everything for which it stands. What's with people in this country and the flag? Trying to amend the consititution, the piece of paper that details how our government will work and certain freedoms that will always be protected, you want to amend this to stop people from burning some nylon and cotton? Even our national anthem is just about the flag, our national anthem doesn't even say the name of our country. We had to pledge our allegiance to it every morning for 12 years to drill it into our heads like some kind of brainwashing mechanism. We have proper burials for flags, proper ways to handle them, to display them, but at the end of the day it's a piece of material and you're a piece of hate.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Beach Blanket Hate

...You are at the beach and walk away and ask me to watch your stuff. Sure, I'll watch your stuff, that radio, mine, that wallet, mine, that cooler of cold ones, mine, that hate, so you.

...You strut around the beach in your bikini with your muffin tops hangin out. When will chubby girls realize they are fat? Put that thing away, you are gross, you are hated.

...You are getting up from the beach and shake off your towel with out any consideration of other people being present. You know I was just thinking, I haven't had enough sand in my face lately, I thank you for fulfilling that need and I thank you for fulfilling my hate.

...You are the cougars from the beach. Hey 38 yr old single women, there's a reason why you're still single, you are catty, you are obnoxious, you are not so hot anymore, and of course, you are hated.

...You are the cougars from the beach and couldn't handle it when my sister, who is at least 5 years yonger than you, came by with her son, the son you all wish you add but now can't have because the moment you see a guy you instantly try to make him your husband even if he is 15 years younger than you and hates you.

...You are the cougars from the beach that don't understand the purpose of sunscreen. Yeah dark leather skin...not so attractive on 38 yr old women, sorry. Lucky for me, I'm a dude, we can be 187 and still look all right, you, well you jumped the shark and are of coure hated.

...You are me an refuse to ever wear sunscreen and now definately have skin cancer, spend 3 days baking in the sun, drinking beer, not eating, come home at 11 on Sunday and instantly begin to blog the courgars you were hating all weekend.

...You email me on Sunday afternoon on 4th of July weekend about work. Yeah maybe you didn't get the memo, this is the week of ME. My last week of being a 28 yr old, then come saturday night/sunday morning, I'm 29. I don't work this week...ever. I only hate.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Rock out with your Hate out

...You are a rock star and think you are a cowboy. What is it with every rock star and their obsession with being cowboys? You are not cowboys, you may wear pants that way too tight, but you're from NJ or Detrois or Long Island, no cows there my man, there's only my hate for you.

...You are a lead singer in a band and at some point ask your guitarist to "talk" to you with his guitar. Um, tlaking, right, that might have been a witty think to say in 1973, after that it's not witty, it's only hated.

...You are at a concert and at some point in the "rockin" song you punch for fist in the air. Yeah that's it reach for the stars, your a champ, maybe nod your a head a bit in agreement with those profound lyrics like "I want to rock" or "I want to hate you".

...You have a fade out in your song. You're still doing this? Are you Buddy Holly? It's okay to just end the damn the song, there's no radio play for the annoying DJ to chyme about this weekends drink special at a cheesy a bar where I'll hate you.

...You actually sing the fade out in concert. I'm speechless because I hate you.

...You hold up your lighter at a slow song. No, no, no. This isn't even okay if you are doing as a joke, it maaaay have been funny circa 1984, but man, it's 2006. The only acceptable place to hold the lighter up is if the Scorpions had a reunion tour and played winds of change, and the camera is panning the crowd, then and only then. Oh yes there must also be a girl wearing a Motley Crue T-shirt with a freyed bottom, no bra who then lifts up her shirt to get hated.

...You make a comment such as "I don't care what anyone tells you about why they got into music, the only reason they did was to get chicks". I think about 1000 different people have said this, do you think we would have only heard this once and you've come up with some expose of the truth behind music? You're an idiot and you're hated.

...You think I'm a total hypocrite because I have two guitars sitting in my room, always have lighters at concerts, own cowboys boots, have a favorite band that uses the fade out, punch my fist in the air when I hear Kelly Clarkson, do the stupid head bang thing when I'm "rockin out" and frequent cheesy bars where I hate you and myself.