Friday, July 28, 2006

Hate will be shed in the birth of a nation

…You are in a bar and are dancing right in front of the bar and continue to bump into me every 3 seconds. Dude are you dancing with the chair? This isn’t a dance floor, it’s a bar, where winos like me come to hate tool boxes like you.

…You put an entire package of cream cheese on my bagel when I ask for just a little bit of cream cheese. When you spread the cream cheese, I should still be able to see a little bit of the bagel, that’s how thin the spread is when someone caveats “a little bit”, but no, I had enough excess cheese that I was able to repackage it and sell it back to you for only a little bit of hate.

…You are contributing to Fatmerica by using the entire tinfoil thing of Philadelphia cream cheese on bagels. I’m not going to get into why l it’s in tinfoil and I’m not going to get into why cream cheese is from philly and bagels are from NY. I am going to get into you contributing to Fatmerica. The fatness is overtaking the country and it must be stopped. Here and now I propose a Fat Tax. There is no reason that a big mac should cost less than a salad. How is taco bell 99 cents for a taco and then I pay $15 for half a pound of lettuce? Why is there 900% tax on cigarettes but only sales tax on fast food? Why am I subsidizing your medical bills because you eat worse than a pig? Why do I hate you?

…You are the bum that asked me for a dollar and then when I said no, asked me for a thousand dollars. Wow, inflation has really affected every sector of the economy. First off, a bum should not be specifying amounts, be happy with anything you get, second, a thousand dollars? Seriously? No you weren’t but then you tried to shake my hand after that “joke”, yeah I don’t know where that hand’s been, but we now both know where my hate’s been.

…You come into my office and say “where are we going for lunch today”. What’s all this ‘we’ talk? I and I stress I, will be going for some sushi today, you, I don’t know what you’re doing for lunch, I just know that it’s not with me. Don’t you dare ASSume you will be having lunch with me again, but do ASSume you are hated.

…You are on a plane, walking to the bathroom for 8000th time, and place your hand on every single seat, pushing down, as you walk by. I would really love to see you walking on a street, do you hold onto the buildings as you walk by? No, who am I kidding you’re American, you don’t walk anywhere. The hate that you cause on the plane is actually priceless, every single person is woken up or shaken by your inability to walk a straight line and by my ability to hate you.

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