Wednesday, July 26, 2006

While My Guitar Gently Hates

...You wear enormous sunglasses that are 7 times as wide as your face and put Nicole Richie's to shame. You look like a fucking space alien that got bad fashion advice from a JAP circa 1979. I realize some practical joker of fashion designer says they are all the rage, but have a mind of your own and realize they are all the hate.

...You poke your head into the subway and ask if it makes your stop. Do I look like ask jeeves? Do you see a GPS attached to my belt? You want to know why you don't see it? Because giving dumb people directions ain't my fucking business, okay! Don't just assume I'm supposed to give you directions, ask me kindly, I may oblige, demand my answer, I wil hate.

...You make a comment saying 'in my day things would be like...' In your day? Are speaking to me from the grave? As far as I can tell it's still your day, sure you're washed up, but you're not dead, just hated.

...You announce what I purchased for lunch to the table as I sit down in the cafeteria. Ahh, I see you went with a little turkey sandwich and a salad, oh today you have a BLT, not too healthy is it, look what we have today, some sushi for you. And of course today's menu is shut the fuck up because I hate you.

...You give me a detailed itinerary of your entire vacation, when all I did was simply ask when you are leaving. Notice how I only care when you're leaving? I want you gone, now, please, go, leave me alone and stop telling me every detail of your lame ass vacation while I stand here hating you.

...You say "welcome back" when I come back from a week's vacation. Ok, it's not like I just came back from maternity leave or something, it's 5 days. I do realize there was that empty void while I was gone, but seriously, 5 days doesn't deserve a welcome back, it deserves a welcome hate.

...You broadcast "breaking news" for 15 days straight. You know, day one, sure it's breaking news, but by day 12, let's stop calling things breaking news, I mean Condi has already come and gone with her pointlessness and I have already come and gone with my hate.

No comments: