Thursday, August 31, 2006

21 Hate Street

...You are my teenage neighbor whose parents are away for the week and insist on inviting no less than 37 of your closest friends over every night. Perhaps if I was in perpetual intoxication, wait...perhaps if I was in perpetual intoxication with several other obnoxious people I would find your friend peeing in the hallway amusing, but no when I get home at night, I want nothing to do with your pee, just as you want nothing to do with my hate.

...You make sock sizes fit shoe sizes 6-12. Perhaps you have not noticed that a carnie size foot of size 6 is quite a miniature foot, while a size 12 shoe is a rather large foot, the shoes are no where near comparable, try making socks the appropriate size and I'll try to make hate the appropriate size.

...You make slim fit shirts with size 18 necks while an actual slim person's size of 15 is no where to be found. Have you seen the people that purchase size 18 shirts? They are the people with no necks, do you think any of them are slim? Absolutely not, do you think any of them are hated? Absolutely.

...You wear wifebeaters as your undershirts. All right, the whole point of an undershirt is keep your regular shirt from getting pit stains and from getting deodorant on them. A wifebeater on the other hand, provides zero protection against either and also provides zero protection against my hate.

...You don't shut the fuck up about hurricanes on the news, you know we've had no hurricanes yet this year and a few tropical storms. We get it, there are hurricanes that happen every year, and every year, the poor people in say Michigan or even California have to here minute by minute updates as to whether the storm is a tropical storm or category 2. Local news in the gulf, yes please report to the people that live there. People in NY that only have the remnants of a storm ruin their labor weekend, no report when it's an actual hurricane and I'll report when there's actual hate.

...You make comments that electing democrats will strengthen the terrorists. Ah yes, local politics are of the utmost importance to the terrorists. I have to counter that not catching the prime suspect tends to strengthen the terrorists. The worst thing is the republicans will lose in '08, which is about the amount of time it will take for another huge attack, when a democrat is pres, then of course it will be a game of I told you so. Well right here, right now, it's a game of I hate you so.

...You insist on asking people if they want to open a charge card everytime they come to the register. We all know there are charge cards, we all know they save a whopping 10% on all purchases, but let me ask you this, why the fuck would I go through the trouble to save a whole 5 bucks on a $50 shirt? Do I look that poor or do you look that hated?

...You make men's jeans that say size 30 but when I go to try them on there is about 5 extra inches of waist. I get your marketing strategy here, but I don't give a shit what size it says, I just want it to be consistent. I could be a size 40, but when I go to buy that size, I expect it to actually be that size. Oh and stop making size 30 jeans with a length of 38, just because they are designer, it doesn't mean I'm a 6 foot 5 malnourished hipster doofus, it means I'm a 5 foot 9 hater of you.

No comments: